The Realization in the Rescue
by twilitbones
Summary: While I wait for the hiatus to be over,I'm rewatching the episodes. This is a series of one shots about the relationship that formed between Booth and Bones. Each one is a season. Please review.
1. The Fortune in the Cookie

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Fortune in the Cookie

It was the fourth time I brought her food that week; again, it was after midnight, and again I used the excuse that I saw her light on. It seemed to work, but I wondered if she left her light on hoping I would come, because I still couldn't read her. It was odd how I could see the pain she kept hidden behind those beautiful blue eyes, but couldn't read her feelings for me.

She let me in, and we chatted as we ate. As I opened the fortune cookie and read the message, I sent a prayer to God that it implied her.

I knew I was falling in love with her. I had an idea that this would happen from that first kiss, on the steps of the bar in the pouring rain. As I looked in her eyes, before my lips touched hers, I knew. That was why I told her about my gambling problem; because I thought this was going somewhere and I believed when it got there, it would be fantastic.

So, when our lips finally touched, I knew.

In that split, second, I decided that I wasn't going to sleep with her that night. I wanted something more than sex. I wanted something that developed over time, a real, lasting, love, which you only get, once in a lifetime. Therefore, when she pulled away, and ran to the cab, I was relieved. My first thought was to run to her, and pull her back into my arms, but I resisted. Then, when she turned to me, before getting into the cab, and she said, "We are not sleeping together." my heart soared, because I thought she felt it too.

Then I ran to her as she closed the door of the cab, and knocked on the window. I needed to know if she was as affected as I, but when she rolled down the window, I said, "So, you're afraid that when I look at you in the morning, I'll have regrets?"

She said, "That would never happen.", and the cab drove away. The last time I saw her that night was her waving good-bye to me through the window. I walked all the way home, four miles, in the pouring rain, in a twelve hundred dollar suit. I walked, because I needed to think. I walked to calm my libido. I walked to try to forget that kiss.

Then she had one of her squints return the evidence, she never even came to see me. It was bad enough I had a hangover, but realizing that I misunderstood everything from the night before, was even worse. That hurt, and when I showed up at the lab to tell her she was rehired, she said, "I've moved on."

I knew she meant from the case, but I also thought there was an underlying meaning behind it. It was her way of saying, 'last night never happened'.

We finished the case with her keeping her distance. We argued, and fought, and when it was over, she moved on without me. I kept tabs on her during that year we were apart. I watched her failed attempt at a relationship with that idiot Peter.

Then, when I heard that she was returning from Guatemala, I knew I had to see her again. I tried to move on, but I couldn't, not without knowing if she ached for me as much as I ached for her, so I called in a hold for questioning request, and met her plane.

After that, it was easy. I got her to work with me, and I started to explore the feelings that I had for her. Day after day, case after case, I learned more and more about her, and I could feel myself drawn to her again, that invisible pull that she had over me, but I still didn't know how she felt. I still couldn't read her, and I didn't think she knew how I felt.

I remembered when Mara Muerte put a hit out on her I almost lost it, but I held my temper until I saw Ortez. Then as I held a gun to his head, and threatened the most dangerous gang leader in the DC area, I knew this was more than a partnership, because cops don't go that far for their partners. That was when I knew I had to be careful, and keep my feelings in check until I knew how she felt.

It couldn't have been more than a week later that I found out she was looking for a date online. I wished it was me taking her on that date, but she didn't seem to return my feelings. I even tried to turn on the Booth charm, the look and the smile that always got the girl, but she didn't even flinch when I told her, "Whatever happened to meeting someone across a crowded room, eyes meeting, that old black magic gets you in its spell."

Her online date was named David, and they had a dinner date, but when she went to the restaurant, someone shot at her. That was when the overpowering need to protect her took over, and I made myself her bodyguard. I brought David in for questioning, and tried to intimidate him, but it didn't work.

I stayed with her day and night, until the bomb in her fridge put me in the hospital, and then I turned her over to the one man who wanted her dead. Kenton. Again, I ran to her rescue, with two broken ribs and a fractured clavicle, I went to her, and when she put her arms around me and pulled me close, I told her I was there, right there, thinking I'll always be here.

My feelings changed slowly, building day by day, but I was always able to hide them from her. Until I saw her in the hospital in New Orleans, then again I almost lost control. Detective Harding saw it, before I was able to suppress it, but looking at her battered face, made me want to pull her into my arms, kiss her, and make all the pain go away.

Our last case gave me hope, especially when she reached out to me, as she placed her hand on my arm while I told her about seeing that little boy, watch his father die. At first I hesitated before touching her, I hadn't touched her since that night, but I needed to feel her touch, so I took her hand and ran my thumb over it, as I looked up into her eyes, and saw a glimpse of what we one day could be.

However, the more I learned about her, the more I knew she was afraid to love, and at least now, I knew why. This last case broke my heart, and made me realize that I did indeed love her. When I pulled her into my arms in that barn, and told her it was going to be all right, I realized that I never wanted to let her go.

The protective mode took over when McVicar asked to speak to her alone.

"You got two ways to look at this. One is you score a private chat. The second one is, you attack her and I'll drill you through the forehead"

"How could I possibly attack her?"

"I'll decide what is and isn't an attack –like say, a hiccup."

I knew she heard me, and I wondered if she realized my feelings for her, but just like that, it was over. After the case was ended, and McVicar was in jail, I went with her to bring Russ back to her place, and as I walked in, I saw her book. I couldn't help peeking at the first page, and when I saw the dedication, I felt a surge of optimism, for the future, our future, together.

After my beer, I left, and sat in my truck for a minute; I reached into my pocket, and withdrew the crumpled piece of paper that I picked up off the table from the night before, looking at it with hope in my heart. 'The one beside you, will be your future'


	2. The Dedication in the Story

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Dedication in the Story

She saw him look at her manuscript, watched the slight smile permeate his face, and knew she did the right thing. After he left, she went into her room, and thought about all that had transpired this past year, between her and Booth. All the times she hid her feelings from him, and all the times she fought the urge to hold him close.

She remembered the first time she saw him, standing in the back of the room. Her body immediately responded to the breadth of his shoulders and his strong jaw line. He walked into her lecture hall, and told her she would destroy evidence by removing the flesh. She couldn't imagine anyone questioning the purpose for her analysis of the bones. After all, the evidence is in the bones, any fool should know that, but he proceeded to the front of the room, and continued to question her techniques, then he asked her to help him on an FBI case.

She was curious, her Dad always said her curiosity would get her in trouble one day, and now, look at the mess she was in. She fought against her feelings daily. Fought against touching him, and fought to keep the wall she built around her heart strong and tall. She thought she was doing a phenomenal job, but she knew eventually it would fall, and then there would be nothing standing between her and this man called Booth.

.

She felt it try to break during that first case, when he kissed her, on the steps of the bar in the pouring rain. He started out with a confession, about gambling, why would he tell her that? She just wanted sex; she didn't need to know about his personal problems, but he said, "I feel like this is going somewhere."

Then he leaned closer, and when his lips touched hers, she knew what he meant. She pulled him closer, it felt so good, and she felt her walls tremble and try to break, and when she heard the cab horn honk, she took that as her cue to leave, and ran from him. She told him she was not sleeping with him. What she didn't tell him was that, if that kiss continued any longer, she would not have been able to hold her walls up anymore, and her walls were her safety net from the outside world.

She began to build those walls the day her parents didn't return. Then every time she was abandoned, she added to their strength. She had become impervious to the outside world and everyone in it, and she liked it like that, because no one would hurt her again, not even Seeley Booth.

The next day she had Zack return the evidence with the proof that the judge killed Gemma Harrington hoping that she would be rid of him, and never see him again. However, he came to the lab looking for her, but this time she was ready for him. She had her walls up and she was more impervious that ever. She told him she moved on, she wondered if he got the double meaning, but doubted he did.

She kept her distance from him, and when it was done, she told him she would never work with him again. She left him standing in the bullpen, alone, and she went back to her life.

However, he changed her; she was different now. She realized that while working with him, she found a missing piece of herself, and no matter what she did, she couldn't get that piece back. She went to Guatemala to try to find it, but no matter how much effort she put into her work, she failed to find that feeling again.

.

Angela came to meet her plane, but when homeland security forced her to go with them, Angela left. All this happened, because he called in a hold for questioning request, and then he showed up in the security office as if he was trying to save her. She didn't need him or anyone else to save her; she could take care of herself. However, she did want to work with him again and find that thrill of working in the field, so she blackmailed him and it worked, but this time she would keep her distance, and not let what happened before, happen again.

The cases he brought her piqued her curiosity, and she fell into a regular rhythm, he would show up at the lab, and she would follow him. She remained impervious to his charms, not responding to him when he blatantly flirted with her. She continued to argue with him, but he seemed to take pleasure in it. He persisted in calling her Bones, and she was beginning to enjoy it, but she would never tell him. What did it matter if he called her Bones, it was only a name? She decided to let that one go.

He did help her to understand people, and he never tired of explaining things to her, but his alpha male tendencies continued to come into play, in that he thinks it is his job in this world to protect her. She knew he refused her gun request, because he thought she needed him to protect her, but she was a strong and independent woman, she didn't need anyone.

She was infuriated that day, how dare he think that she needed him? She was trained in three types of martial arts, a registered sharpshooter with the N.R.A., and had hunting licenses in four states, she definitely didn't need him.

.

Michael came back and she thought she could lose herself in him, but after he left, she decided that she wouldn't make the same mistake again, she was too open with him and he betrayed her. Then when Booth used her to get what he wanted in court, she was infuriated, but again, he used her own curiosity, to get her to forgive him. Besides the ends always justifies the means.

.

Yes, her curiosity always got her into trouble, and he knew she couldn't refuse a case, so when he showed up on Christmas, she instantly said she would take the case, but that one got them all locked in the lab for three days. He definitely knew how to get around her better sense.

When Hodgins told her he had a son, she was hurt. Why didn't he tell her? He never talked about himself, and yet he told her she needed to open up. When she saw him with his son, she realized how attached he was. She saw the love of a father in his face, when he looked at him, and it reminded her of her own father, and she wished for that again.

He had this way of getting everyone to do what he asked. For example, the field trips to other states. She had more important things to do than run off with him to another state to solve their murders. Didn't they have enough murders in DC?

She was fascinated by his interrogation techniques. He had a way with people that always had them confessing. Nevertheless, she knew about the empty feeling you get from not having a family's love. That was why she was able to find out what happened to Charlie Sanders. She knew the system, and was able to get David to talk to her. Afterward, he realized that it was because she had experience to draw upon, before walking into that room.

She also knew he wouldn't let her down, and he came through when Margret was released and she took Shawn and David home. After all, he wants to go to Heaven someday.

She could never remember feeling as angry with another human being as she was with Booth when he insisted on going home with her and staying at her place, with the idea that he would protect her from harm. When the refrigerator exploded and she saw him thrown across the room, for a brief second, she thought he was dead.

Then, when she saw his x-rays, she realized that she saw a brief glimpse of who he was. He was a hero, a man who stood up for what was right, and lived his life to help and save others. He never talked about himself, and she realized that she knew very little about him.

When Kenton kidnapped her, and tried to kill her, she was terrified. Booth was in the hospital, so she didn't think he would save her. She thought she was going to die, but then he was there, coming to her rescue, and again she almost let her guard down as she held him tight in her arms. Shell never know what brought her back to his room that night, but she remembered staying late, and the nurses had to tell her it was time to go home.

She couldn't believe he came to New Orleans, again with the thought of rescuing her, but this time she needed him. He helped her solve the case, and that released her from being a suspect, but the best part about his coming there, was that he found her mother's earring. She knew he probably took it from a crime scene, and she wondered why he would do that for her.

Did that simple act prove that he cared more than he revealed to her? Moreover, what did that earring prove? That he now has some type of power over her? Is that why she has so much difficulty resisting him? That's stupid; no one will ever have power over her, ever.

However, when he held her in his arms inside that barn as she thought about her mother's death, and who she really was, she again felt safe and secure. No one has ever made her feel safe. As she remembered his arms wrapped around her and his words that everything would be ok, she fell into a restless sleep.


	3. The Questions in the Relationship

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Questions in the Relationship

When I saw her at the Jeffersonian, I realized how much I missed her. She was only gone for a month, but I was glad to have her back. I enjoyed walking into the Jeffersonian and seeing her either standing on the platform, or in her office, demanding she come with me, and every time she came.

I knew she didn't return my feelings, so I decided that I needed to be there for her, but I would try to stop these feeling I had for her. I would try to move on, so I didn't get hurt. Rebecca hurt me enough, and I didn't want that again, so I would stop myself from being anymore attached to her.

We bickered back and forth about the way I was handling her father's case, and we talked about her brother. I saw a nostalgic look on her face and I realized that she was enjoying her relationship with Russ. I was glad for her, because I knew she was so alone for most of her life, until now.

When we arrived at the scene, and I saw Camille Saroyan, I knew this was going to be trouble. Since Bones never checked in when she was away, she didn't know about the changes that had taken place at the lab.

Camille was now her boss, but the trouble stemmed from the fact that I didn't think Bones knew, and one thing about Camille was, she believed in the chain of command, and Bones had that way about her that made everyone do what she asked. Yep, this was going to be trouble.

Cam and I had the kind of relationship that could be picked up from where it stopped, anytime and anywhere. She responded to me in her usual flirty way, and I responded the same way back.

Bones and I were at the diner, having our usual lunch together, something I looked forward to daily, when I got the phone call about the death of her mother's killer. As I looked into her eyes and told her, I could see so much pain, and I wished I could make it go away.

When the case was over, I took her to her mother's grave, she didn't want to go, but I thought it was important for her to talk to her. As she bent down to place the flowers on the grave, she found a small silver dolphin near the headstone. I took it out of the evidence bag and gave it to her, explaining that it was evidence of her father's love for her mother. As she looked at it, she said it's beautiful, and as I looked at her, I realized that she was, and it was more than an exterior beauty, her beauty came from inside her, and she didn't even know it.

The next case involved a foster kid named Kelly. During the investigation I found out that, Bones had a list of foster families that didn't work out, written on the bottom of a shoe. I also found out that Cam had an argument with her, and was going to fire her. When Cam asked him about it, I said be careful, because everyone will leave with Bones including me.

Eps. How could one man strike so much anger in me? This case was a difficult one for Bones. I watched her as Eps manipulated her into his web of madness. I saw her control break as we discovered the bodies of two young girls. She wasn't on the case when I arrested Eps, so she didn't understand his manipulative ways of speaking to people.

Yes, last year she discovered two young girls that Eps had buried, but this time we had to track down his accomplice, and she became involved in the case. She usually has so much control, but this case was different. In the end, she killed a man. She saved my life in the process, but I know what that does to your soul. How those scars never go away, and how you die a little inside with every shot.

We were talking about animals and I asked her what type of pet she would want. She told me a pig. Can you imagine a pig? I wanted to make her happy, so I bought her a pig. It was a little toy one, not the real thing. I thought maybe it would take away the pain of the shooting, but mainly I wanted to see her smile. As I looked into her beautiful blue eyes, and handed her the pig I felt something stir deep inside myself. A strange feeling that I didn't recognize. I felt something change in our relationship, something was different.

.

She caught me in bed with Rebecca, not literally, but she called right after, and I knew that she knew. It was my business who I slept with, why should it bother me that she found out? It didn't matter, because it would never happen again. It's just that Rebecca and I had so much in the past, it was hard not to look for that again. Then that same day I slept with Cam. What was wrong with me? I usually didn't do casual relationships, but it was as if Bones brought out this desire in me and I needed a release somehow. I had to stop doing this.

At the end of the case, I had the feeling that Bones hinted that she would help with my biological urges, but I had to be wrong. It didn't matter, because Angela came in at that moment and changed the conversation.

.

I hate it when we had to work on a child's murder; and to make it worse, another child killed her. At the end of the day, I decided to stay with Bones and I let Cam go home alone. What was she doing to my head? My feelings for her were growing stronger every day, and I didn't know how to stop them. If it was any other woman, I would have taken her to my bed by now, but Temperance was different, and I wanted to do this right. I still felt like this was going somewhere, and I knew if I didn't get my emotions under control, I was going to fall in love with her.

.

As if fate wanted to slap me in the face, we got an undercover assignment in Las Vegas. It was bad enough that the tables and the cards tempted me, but she was incredible. I bought the dress to make others notice her, but when I saw her, I almost died. The worst part about it was she didn't even know what she did to me. When she touched me, and ran her hands over my chest, I almost lost it, but the assignment won out, and I was able to finish the task.

I had a difficult time controlling my libido around her that week, and each night I was taking cold showers to get myself under control. I thought the gambling was going to be the problem, but she was on my mind constantly, and the tables never tempted me as she did.

Then the gravedigger kidnapped her, and I wondered what would I do if she died? We were running out of time, and since Vega, had written a book about the gravedigger, I thought Vega could get us more time, so I grabbed Vega by the throat and threatened him, so much for hiding my feelings.

She knew I was sleeping with Cam. I didn't know what to say. It shouldn't concern me how she felt. Cam and I had this understanding. It would never be serious between us, but we were there for each other, and she was great in bed. As Temperance would say, 'she helped to satisfy my biological urges'.

.

Bones was out on a date with Will Hastings, and I had to arrest him for murder. When I looked into her eyes, I knew how much she was hurt. She left the restaurant, and went back to the lab. When I arrived at the lab, she told me that it was a good thing she liked being alone. She looked so sad that I pulled her into my arms to let her know I understood, and that overwhelming feeling that she was my destiny, came back. It is becoming more and more difficult to hide my feelings.

.

Her father wants to protect his kids, so much, so that he killed two men; I felt a type of respect for him. Both men were crooked FBI agents.

.

I killed a man today. Wow, I hate that. One minute I was holding his hand, and the next minute he was dead. That brings my count to 50. Fifty people are dead because of me, will I ever be able to make this right?

During the investigation, Cam inhaled some type of poison. She almost died, so I decided not to get involved with someone who works in high-risk situations again. I have to draw a line. I hope Temperance understands.

.

I almost kissed her again, but I can't go there, ever since that night in the rain, I knew if it happened again, I would never be able to go back to what we have now, besides I am not crossing that line again.

.

I shot a clown, and had to see the FBI shrink, and Bones is working with another agent. Sully's a good man, but also a flirt. I wonder how close they will get. Then, Sully came to me for advice on how long to wait until he gets Bones in bed. I almost told him forever.

He finally slept with Bones; it hurt more than I thought it would, to hear her say those words. She has her own life, so why does it bother me so much? What is happening between us?

Sully decided to instill himself into our case. I don't need his help. I can take care of my partner all by myself. Why is he still here anyways, I have been back on duty for a month now, so he should go back to his own cases instead of interrupting ours.

I think she is falling in love with him, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Maybe this is for the best, maybe now I can move on, but when he kissed her, I felt as if I was dying inside.

He asked her to go away with him, and she came to me for advice. How do I tell the woman who I think I am falling in love with, to go with him? I know he would be good for her. I know she would be happy. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to say it.

She didn't go. I went to the marina and saw her on the pier, waving goodbye, and I never remember feeling so happy. It's too bad my happiness has to come at her expense.

I was kidnapped and tortured today, and Bones and her Dad rescued me. I hope she allows herself to form a relationship with him. Although he is a criminal, and I will arrest him the first chance I get, I like him. I think this is something she needs to do.

Bones thinks men use sports to practice their battle skills, and adults are stunted adolescents who take children's games too seriously. However, she said the statistics didn't include me, because she said I don't play at being a warrior. I am a warrior, that I'm definitely a fully developed man. I think that could be a compliment. I think she also realized that I would never think of women as a conquest. Maybe there is hope for us.

Bones made a disheartening comment today about how love is a bunch of chemicals released in the brain triggered by scent and symmetrical features, but the one encouraging thing she did say was that I have symmetrical features, and that I would be a good breeder. That sounds too clinical to be encouraging.

She made me dinner, and it was incredible. For a very brief moment, I thought about how it would be to come home to her cooking for me every night, but that isn't Bones, and it would never happen.

Angela asked Hodgins to marry him after he said he would take her the way she was without marriage. Bones and I were discussing this and I joked about her asking me to marry her. She said that jokes are the way that we manifest many of our hidden desires. I hope that's not true.

Hodgins asked me to be the best man. When I asked him what I had to do he said, "Stand there, make a toast, hand over the ring, tongue kiss the maid of honor at the reception when people clink glasses."Then I asked him who the maid of honor was and Bones replied,"Me"

How am I going to kiss her? Tongue or not. I can't go there. I know I'm not strong enough. All those hidden memories from that kiss in the rain came rushing back. What am I going to do?

I had to arrest Bones' father today. He walked right into her office. He had a false identity, but after a DNA sample, I got the proof I needed to arrest him. It was the hardest arrest I ever had to do.

Max was willing to have me arrest him, because he said that he would never leave her again, but I didn't want to do it. This is the first time I regretted arresting a suspect.

Then at Angela's wedding, we found out that she was already married. That left Bones and I at the altar. Is this a sign of things to come? It really felt right.


	4. The Implication in the Letter

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Implication in the Letter

Her vacation, in North Carolina went well, although for some reason she missed Booth. She enjoyed reconnecting with her brother, and they even played Marco Polo. She took time to lay on the beach and swim, but was happy when it was time to return to work.

While away, she decided to keep a journal to help her sort out her feelings for him. She couldn't understand how he could affect her this way. Why did she have such a hard time compartmentalizing these feelings? Maybe the journaling would help. When she was young, her mother told her to write down her feelings when she was upset about the other students at school, maybe this will help her gain some perspective.

September

8th Upon returning, Booth and I fell back into our regular schedule, it was as if I was never away. He asked about my vacation, and I asked about how my father's case was going. Life returned to normal.

One thing that he discovered while I was gone was this small out of the way, diner located between the Jeffersonian, and the FBI building. He invited me to lunch almost every day, and I would steal his fries while we ate. He usually orders pie, and I order a salad. I could feel us becoming closer. A friendship was developing between us. The bickering continued, as if that was the only way we could communicate.

Goodman left and hired a coroner to run the lab. Her name is Camille Saroyan, and she was now my boss, and stated as much. I definitely didn't need a boss, and especially one who continued to talk to me as if I was inferior to her.

Angela said she and Booth had a past, and that it was probably sexual. I wasn't concerned with his sexual conquests, and told Angela it didn't matter, but in a way, it did. I watched them together and wondered if he was using Cam to satisfy his biological urges.

12th When Booth told me that my father murdered McVicar in jail; I was shocked. How could my father do that, what kind of man was he? What kind of family did I have? My father was a murderer, and my brother was on parole, am I the only sane one? Booth tried to explain about the murder, but I couldn't understand his thinking.

Then he made me bring flowers to my mother's grave, he said it would help if I could talk to her. She's dead, I can't talk to a dead person, but I went because I thought it would make him happy. I did ask her about my Dad, but I didn't get any answers. I knew I wouldn't but I hoped, maybe?

While we were there I found a small silver dolphin near the tombstone, I knew it was from my Dad. I wanted to keep it for evidence, but Booth took it and told me you can't taint that kind of evidence. I think he meant because it was given in love from my father to her, but I don't understand.

I have never been good at relationships, but with Booth, it seems so easy. Yes we argue or as he says bicker, but it feels so natural.

25th We just finished another case. This one was about a foster kid, named Kelly. Cam automatically blamed the foster kid. As if all foster kids are bad. I wanted to tell her, what does that make me? But, I stayed quiet just like I did in school.

Booth told me some things about foster kids. He said they feel so alone in this mean world; they lose that knack of trusting other people. He said they carry the weight of the world. That they have a hard time letting themselves off the hook, and they grow up with control issues. That sounds a lot like me.

October

2nd I killed a man today.

3rd I need to write this down. I killed a man. He was going to kill Booth and I shot him. It was so easy to take a life, and I don't know if I will ever be rid of this feeling inside. Booth was a sniper in the Army, and last year, he told me about a man he killed in Kosovo. He said it's never just the one person who dies. Never. He said with each shot, we all die a little bit. That's how I feel, like a part of me died with that shot. I hope that never happens again.

One good thing, Booth got me a pig. It's a toy one, but it is so cute. He named it Jasper, and he gave it to me the night I killed Gil Lappin. I put it on my bedside table so I can see it before I fall asleep at night. He told me, I will be ok. I think I understand him a little better.

10th I called Booth today, because we had a case and I didn't know if he was picking me up or not, but Rebecca answered the phone. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he had just had sex, and besides that, he was late to the scene. I made the mistake and told Cam, she told the whole lab, and well he was upset with me. He said I shouldn't gossip. However, I didn't even know that was gossip. Well I tried to hint that if he needed any future help with his biological urges, I was there, but Angela came in and the conversation didn't go any further.

The thing is, he also said there are certain people that you just can't sleep with, that there are too many strings and too much at stake to do it anymore, and as he looked at me he said there was too much to lose. I wonder if he meant me? I know I would be more than willing to satisfy his biological urges, but I think it would lead to more than sex, and the possibility of losing my imperviousness, would be too difficult, so I think I will try to avoid that in the future.

15th Angela asked for my advice on dating Hodgins today. I told her that she should never indulge in a romantic relationship with someone you work with. An efficient workplace is predicated upon a simple hierarchy. Romance undermines that hierarchy. Cam told her she should date him, because it would never work out. She took Cam's advice. I have to keep my advice in mind the next time Booth looks at me. Lately I feel something more forming between us, but I still don't understand what it is.

November

10th We went undercover again, this time in Las Vegas. I had never gone there before, and I had the best luck at the casino, I won every time. However, we had to play a couple, Booth wanted us married, but I told him I don't believe in that, so I said we were engaged to be engaged. Anyway, I found it very hard to resist him. I had a lot of trouble sleeping, because all I could think about was him in the next room. It was so easy to let my defenses down and just be me. I was able to touch him, and hold him close anytime I wanted, but his proximity made me so confused, I had a difficult time stopping the act at the end of the assignment. What is he doing to me?

15th I just spent 13 hours in a car buried under the ground. The gravedigger kidnapped me and buried me underground. I was with Hodgins, and terrified I would never be found, but after the explosion, I was trying to dig myself out of the ground, and I felt his hand pull me to safety. I wanted to hold him and never let him go, but I told him to get Hodgins, because I knew he was weaker than I was, and would have more trouble getting out. By the time he came back to me the feeling had past. Angela kissed Hodgins as soon as he was free; I wish Booth felt that way about me. I wrote him a letter while I was trapped. I wanted to tell him how I feel, and say goodbye. I don't think I will ever show it to him. I have included it here so I will remember it.

.

_Dear Booth,_

_If you are reading this letter, it means I am dead. I tried to use the explosives in the car's airbags to create an explosion to help us get out. I am not an explosives expert, so that is probably why it didn't work. _

_I want to tell you how I feel about you. You are my best friend and the only person who has been willing to help me understand this confusing world. Although I am a difficult person to associate with, I have always felt as if you cared for me. _

_To tell you the truth Booth, I have very strong feelings for you, and they confuse me. I don't think I will ever understand my feelings for you, but I know they started on those steps in the rain. Do you know why I ran away? It was because I am afraid of the way I feel when I'm near you._

_Well, I have to go and see if this works, so either I will be seeing you in a short while or I will be dead. Please don't come to my grave, because I will not hear you, and you will be wasting your time. Say goodbye to everyone for me._

_Love, _

_Your Bones_

_._

28th We were watching a video that was shot during a murder, and Cam was scared. She reached out and took Booth's hand; I felt a sadness come over me to think that Angela was right; Cam and Booth are in a relationship. The ironic thing is that the man I was out with was the murderer. Wow, I really don't know how to pick them. I am better at reading bones then people. Booth came to me after to see if I was ok. He pulled me into his arms again, I hesitated and he called it a guy hug, but I wanted him to hold me forever.

December

13th Will the horror, that is my family, ever cease to amaze me? My father shot a man in the head, hung him from a pole, gutted him and set him on fire. Then when I was discussing it with Booth, he acted as if he respects him. He told me he would take a stand up crook over a crooked cop any day of the week.

We were celebrating Zack's doctorate and new job with us, at the diner, when Booth stopped by. I went outside to talk to him and he told me my father killed the Deputy Director of the FBI, in the same fashion as the previous victim. When I told him that I guess I just don't get to be in a family, he said there is more than one kind of family. I thought he would kiss me, but Zack interrupted us, and we went back to the party. I wish he did.

January

31st This was a difficult case. Eps is dead. Cam almost died, and Booth drew a line. He told me that people who work in high-risk situations can't be involved romantically because it leads to things like Cam getting hurt. Every single day it's with us. There's this line, and we can't cross it. I think he meant there shouldn't be any relationships at work. He was referring to Cam and himself, but I think he meant it toward me too. I think Eps' death is bothering Booth, he won't talk about it to me.

February

7th Booth shot a clown on the top of an ice cream truck today, so I have to work with a new partner, because he has to see a psychiatrist before he can return to duty. I hate psychiatry; it is such a soft science.

8th The new agent I was assigned to is very nice. His name is Sully, and when the case was over, we went out for pie at the Diner. I think this might go somewhere.

24th Sully and I have gone out 4 times already, but he hasn't made a move on me yet. I wonder if I should make the first move. I wonder what Booth thinks.

26th I slept with Sully. He is very good in bed. I find myself enjoying his company, but at the same time, I miss Booth. How can I be with one man, yet think of another?

March

14th Booth and Sully constantly argue over me. This is ridiculous. They are both behaving like children.

I think Sully is forming an attachment to me, and I don't know what to do. I don't do long term commitments, because all relationships are ephemeral. He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't. I told him this was just a fling, and he better not get carried away. He responded by leaning very close to me and saying, "When you can't stop thinking about someone when they're not around...that's not a fling. When you remember their touch just like they were still right next to you? That's not a fling. If you need to be alone with this, fine - but we both know what we have."

He's wrong; this is just a fling.

21st I'm on vacation with Sully, and Booth won't leave me alone. He keeps showing up and asking me ridiculous questions. The body that they found doesn't have any bones, so this case shouldn't include me, but still he bothers us.

25th Sully wants me to go away with him. He bought a boat, and he is going to run charter cruises in the Bahamas. It sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure I can commit to anything like that. Relationships are ephemeral, and I don't want to give up what I have here for something that won't last anyway, besides what should I do about Booth, and I love my job. I can't give everything up to go sailing with him. I can't leave Booth, I don't know why, but I feel attached to him in some way. I don't understand it, but something draws me to him. I know I need to stay.

I went to the marina to say goodbye, and as he sailed away, I noticed that he named his boat Temperance.

When I turned around from watching Sully sail away, Booth was standing behind me.

April

4th A regional crime boss named Gallagher kidnapped Booth today. My Dad helped me rescue him. I can't believe my Dad helped me rescue the man who wants to put him in jail. Booth thinks I should talk to him. I still don't know.

One thing that scared me though, was my feelings for Booth. When I found out, I was devastated. I couldn't sleep, or concentrate on the case. All I could think about was Booth. What does this mean? Am I developing feelings for him? How is that possible? I don't want this. I don't need anybody.

Gallagher beat him up pretty bad before we got there. My Dad helped me the whole time, and then he took my car and left, before I untied Booth. I am so confused.

18th I found out that Booth was a jock today, but he doesn't fit the anthropological norm. Anthropologically speaking, sports are a way for boys to practice their battle skills, but Booth employs those battle skills every day. He doesn't need to use sports as an outlet for his unfulfilled need of combat, because he is a fully developed man. Booth is the exception to the norm.

I also realized that he never used his athletic ability to prove his conquest with women, because he still remembers that first girl's name.

May

9th This time I knew the victim. It was a friend named Carly. It was very hard to compartmentalize.

10th Angela and I were talking about marriage today. She keeps putting off Hodgins proposal, and I told her she should just tell him no and stop all the aggravation, but she said she may want to say yes. I don't understand the point of marriage, love is so fleeting it just doesn't make sense to commit to one person, and then change your mind a few years later.

She brought up Sully. Every time I think about him, I wonder why I let him go, and then from somewhere deep inside I think it was because of Booth. But how can that be? I don't love Booth, I don't believe in love. I know it's just a release of chemical in the brain, but then when I see him, I question my theory. I just don't know what to think anymore, I am drawn to Booth on some deep level that I don't understand, but whenever a relationship seems more than casual, I feel that I need to posit the potential problems; probabilities of success and failure. I get scared, and I know miss so much, but I don't know how to change.

I made Booth dinner. I made him Mac and cheese, his favorite. He really liked it. I get a feeling of pleasure when I make him happy, but I don't understand why.

16th Angela asked me to be her maid of honor, and I was so honored, that I hugged her.

Booth arrested my father today; he just walked right into the lab, and into my office, where Booth and I were talking. I don't know how I feel about this. He has a different identity now, so they couldn't keep him in jail.

My Dad is staying with me, in my spare bedroom. He said I have relatives. I never knew that. He gave me a ring and a tape from my mother. I think I love my father, but he ran out on me and Russ, he robbed people, he's a murderer. He got my mother killed. Am I terrible for not wanting to care about my father?

I talked to Booth about it today, and I asked him if I'm not a bad daughter? Bad person?

He said, "You're not a bad anything.", and he gave me that smile that gives me a strange feeling in my stomach. I know that is impossible, but I still feel it.

My Dad gave me a tape from my mother; she said my Dad was a good man. He loved me and she wants me to forgive him.

I returned the rock to Chelsea's mother. What she did was wrong, but she did it out of love. I understand that now. Maybe someday I will be able to love my father.

During the wedding Booth told me, my Dad let him arrest him, because he doesn't want to abandon me again. I pulled him into my arms and again felt that strange feeling in my stomach. We found out the Angela was already married, so she and Hodgins ran off and everyone went to the reception without them.


	5. The Acceptance in the Accusation

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Acceptance in the Accusation

June

18th Zack left. I didn't want him to go yet. I know it is illogical to become attached to an intern, but Zack was an extraordinary forensic anthropologist. I knew I would never replace him.

August

13th I know I am beginning to withdraw from everybody at the lab, and I spend too much time in limbo when I don't have a victim, but I feel that the loss of Zack has had a detrimental effect on the overall ambiance of the lab. I have avoided going out into the field, by telling Booth that I am needed at the lab.

Booth hasn't yet discerned that I blame him for Zack's departure. He could have told Zack no, but he let him go. It all goes back to the idea that he never wanted to talk to Zack. He just ignores him. If Booth had told him not to go, he would be here with us right now. He would be safe from this confusing and unpredictable world.

September

25th Booth is becoming annoying; I think I am going to have to go into the field at least occasionally just to pacify him. Today's case was actually compelling. We found a skull embedded in the windshield of a car. After I went back to the lab, I found out that a cannibal gnawed on the skull.

Now Angela's on my case too. She thinks the reason I won't go out in the field with Booth is because we were left standing at the altar, and that iconic image totally freaked me out. Could that be true?

27th Zack came back. I was so happy to see him; I immediately ran to him and hugged him. Within one day of his return, he figured out that a man with a diamond tooth ate the skull, and he had an accomplice. I always knew he was an asset to the lab.

29th Booth finally realized why I was upset. He told me that Zack needed to leave the nest. The same way I did, when I wanted to leave the lab and see the world for the first time, and he helped me do that. This was Zack's way of doing the exact same thing. I think I understand now.

October

2nd I visited my father today. Booth made me go. I gave him a deck of cards. We chatted a few minutes, but he was in denial of everything in the past, so I left. As I was leaving he asked for socks.

4th I brought him his socks today. He apologized for being a bad father, and then asked me to testify on his behalf at the trial. I don't know what to think. I am so confused. I want to trust him. I want to believe him, but I also want to protect myself from getting hurt again. I have created this world to keep myself protected from the emotions that I can't understand, and I feel like it is falling apart.

On one side, Booth is invading my thoughts, and on the other, my father is trying to reconcile with me. My walls are crumbling, and I feel like everything is going to come crashing down, leaving me exposed to the world and all the pain I have kept hidden for so long. Booth isn't helping; he keeps trying to encourage my relationship with him.

5th Booth told me my father was arrested so he could spend time with me, and I should be nice to him for that. I'm still confused. I hate emotions, and I wish I could compartmentalize this, but I'm finding that harder and harder to do. Booth seems to occupy my every thought.

He also said it sounds like I'm keeping score. He told me, "You know what, Bones? You're never gonna forgive yourself if you don't cut the guy some slack just because you're afraid to get hurt."How does he know me so well?

6th We arrested a suspect today. The woman who died wrote a letter to her daughter, and as I read it, I realized that portions of it reminded me of my relationship with my father. I have enclosed part of it here. I think this is what he has been trying to tell me.

_I've done terrible things in my life, things I can't change. I know how much pain this will cause you, but never forget how much I love you. I know we didn't always agree on how, but we both hope for the same thing, a just world._

_If I've learned anything, it's that we can never let the chaos and injustice make us so blind with anger that we become part of the problem. Understanding, compassion, kindness are the only true revolutionary ideas. When we compromise those, we become what we despise and we lose our humanity. The world might see my legacy of one of violence and destruction, but I know that you are my real legacy and for that – I will be thankful every day._

Although this letter was written from a mother to her daughter, I feel the meaning behind it applies to my father and me. I think I will try harder to repair the damage that our past mistakes have imposed upon us.

7th I went to see him again today. We played cards.

9th We had a very strange case today. It was involved pony play, and included equine fetishes. At the end of the case, Booth explained the difference between sex and making love. I asked him why and he told me,

"Why? I'll tell you why. Here we are. All of us are basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other, all searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some, they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh, there's nobody out there for me.'"

"But all of us, we keep trying over, and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, every once in a while, two people meet, and there's that spark. And yes, he's handsome, and she's beautiful, and maybe that's all they see at first... But, making love? Making love. That's when two people become one."

I tried to tell him It is... scientifically impossible for two objects to occupy the same space, but he said,

"Yeah, but what's important is we try. And when we do it right, we get close."

I asked, "To what? Breaking the laws of physics?"

"Yeah, a miracle. Those people role-playing, and their fetishes and their little sex games- It's crappy sex. Well, at least compared to the real thing." As he looked at me, my heart had that strange feeling again. I think I am feeling more than a rush of endorphins when I look at him. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to experience making love with him.

23rd We were assigned to a new psychologist today. I hate psychology. It is such a soft science. He said the FBI was thinking of severing our partnership. He gave us a personality test to take home. Booth tried to cheat.

Dr. Sweets said we complement each other, and we have a strong emotional attachment. How does he know that? I still hate psychology. Booth said if there were no more murders, we would still get together and have coffee. I was thinking about that and if we weren't partners, then there wouldn't be a line, so we could have more than coffee. I wonder if he would want that too?

30th I shot Booth today, it was just a flesh wound, so he wasn't really hurt, but I feel bad. It happened when we went to save Megan Shaw, the door was locked, and I shot at it but the bullet bounced off the lock, hit my bracelet, and struck Booth in the leg. Then when we opened the door, I freaked out because the room was full of snakes. Booth had to carry me on his back.

Booth shot someone tonight, I feel bad for him. He hates taking a life even if it is a murderer. In the end, we saved the girl, but missed the party at the Jeffersonian. I think something is happening between us, but I don't understand what.

November

6th Today I found out that one of the employees of the Jeffersonian was a murderer. I was devastated that it happened in my safe place. I always thought of the Jeffersonian as my house of reason.

I also discovered that Booth knows me very well. As I was logging in to my computer, he was able to tell me what my password was. He also knew my second choice and my favorite planet. When did he get to know me so well?

Everyone was hoping that it was the serial killer, who we nicknamed Gormogon, so we wouldn't have to admit to it being one of us. I felt betrayed. I asked Booth if he would betray me and he said no. I wonder if that is true.

13th I told Booth about Brainy Smurf today, and he laughed at me. I trusted Booth to understand my humiliation, but he laughed. When Andy taped it to my locker, I was devastated. I wanted Smurfette, and he got me Brainy instead. The kids laughed at me for weeks, and then Booth laughed at me too. I am so mad at him.

14th I told Dr. Sweets about Booth laughing at me and he suggested that he tell me a story about a time when he was humiliated. Booth told me five different stories about his childhood, but they were all about his sexual exploits. None of them were humiliating.

Then at the Diner, he told me about this boy in school that all the kids picked on, well he called Booth a Philistine, and Booth said he was Catholic. I thought that was a fitting story, but Booth told me that wasn't the humiliating part. He said one of his friends hung the kid from the stairwell, and he laughed instead of doing anything to help, and the humiliation came from him denying himself. I agreed with him and forgave him for laughing at me.

Then he gave me a Brainy Smurf. I asked him why he got that when he knows I wanted Smurfette, and he said, "Well, Smurfette was a stupid, shallow Smurf who only had her looks. Look, you're better than Smurfette. You have your looks and a whole lot more." I think that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Brainy Smurf now sits beside Jasper on my bedside table.

Something is definitely happening between us, but I can't act on my feelings, because of the line that he drew.

December

10th Gorgomon killed Archbishop Stephen Wallace, and sent me his patellas. Booth went into alpha male mode again, and wanted to protect me. I don't need anyone's protection, but it feels good to know he is worried about me. I think he cares.

After I got home, Amy came to see me. Hailey is very sick, and she wants to see Russ. I gave her the name and number of Dr. Goetz, so he can help her. I went to see my father, and asked him to get a message to Russ, about Hailey.

12nd Booth arrested Russ when he showed up at the FBI. Then he let him go to the hospital to visit Hailey. It must have been difficult for Booth to do that, because he believes in the system, and he would never do anything that was against the law. I think he cares for me, but because I have hidden my feelings for so long, I don't know how to tell. I was so happy that he did that, that I kissed him on the cheek. He reacted in a strange way, and I didn't know what to think.

I went to see my father to tell him that he shouldn't have lied to Russ about me, and he helped me realize how hard he is trying to correct the problems of the past.

Booth keeps saving my life. Today he pulled me out of a taxi, after it was blown up, by Gorgomon.

13rd Booth had the Archbishop of D.C., and Dr. Sweets, call the judge to tell him Russ should be released. I still don't understand why he keeps doing these things for me. Is it only because we are partners, or is there another reason? I would talk to Angela, but she would just say that he loves me. I don't believe that. Booth couldn't love me, because he is so much better than I am. He deserves so much more in life. I will never be good enough for him.

24th I kissed Booth, a real, on the lips, made me feel lightheaded and dizzy, kind of kiss. Even though Caroline set it up as payment for letting my Dad use the trailer on Christmas Eve, I thought it was incredible. Afterwards I couldn't think straight. I couldn't even complete a sentence.

Then Booth came to the jail and brought me a tree. As I looked out the window and saw him standing there in the snow, with Parker, I felt that funny, tingling feeling again. What is happening to me?

I wish my mother were alive, so I can ask her about love. I don't understand these feelings I have for him, and I need someone to talk to. What is love? How do you know when you're in love?

If I constantly want to be near him, and I want to touch him all the time, is that love? If I miss him at the end of the day, and leave my light on hoping he comes over, is that love? I don't know or understand anything anymore. Before I met him, I was so sure of myself. I knew what I wanted, and how to get it. Now I'm confused all the time, and I can feel my walls breaking. I know soon they are going to come crashing down and I will be completely vulnerable.

February

10th Sweets made us go on a date with him and his girlfriend. It went well, and then she broke up with him.

March

21st We went to a crime scene and I brought home a baby. His name was Andy, and he was about six months old.

23rd I am becoming very attached to Andy. I can see myself becoming a mother some day. It will be very difficult to give him up when the time comes.

24th Booth thinks I should buy a house in the town that Andy is from. He keeps talking as if we will spend time there together. After we got the key back from Andy, Booth wanted me to drop Andy off at Family Services, but I couldn't leave him. I know what those places are like, and I didn't want him to be there.

26th Meg left a note that custody of Andy should go to her friend Carol, so we handed him over today. It was very difficult to let him go. I think I have changed my mind about having children.

Booth confuses me, in that, he keeps talking about me buying a house, and how we would go fishing, then come home to eat dip and watch television together. What is he implying?

April

25th My father is on trial for murder. I know he is guilty, but I don't want him to be found guilty. I know that doesn't make sense, but I can't change the way I feel. Angela refuses to testify at the trial. They arrested her, because she refused to testify in court.

I went to the jail to visit her and try to tell her I don't care if she testifies, but she told me, "Friends don't send friends' fathers to the electric chair." I don't deserve her as a friend.

27th Everyone thinks we are going to lose, once Zack found the real murder weapon, everything fell into place for the prosecution.

29th I have an idea, but I don't know if it would be the right thing to do. Whenever I have questions about things I go to Booth, but we are not supposed to be talking because we are on opposite sides of the case. I am meeting him today to discuss my idea. I need to be very vague, so he doesn't know what I'm thinking.

30th My father was found innocent, but I think I hurt Booth with what I did. I will never forget the look that he gave me in the courtroom. At the time, I knew I had to control my actions, but now, as I'm writing this in my journal, I can't control the tears. Booth was devastated at the idea that I could implicate myself in the murder of Deputy Director Kirby. He looked at me with so much pain, that I will remember his eyes forever.

I couldn't stay in the courtroom to hear the verdict, so I went outside to wait. Booth joined me a few minutes later. He pulled me into his arms and held me until my father came out of the courthouse. I loved feeling his arms around me, and I wish he were here with me now.

May

5th This case is about a singer who was murdered and thrown in a field. Then a lawnmower chopped him up. I told Booth that I can sing as well as Cindi Lauper, but I don't think he believes me.

8th Booth is dead.

9th Booth is dead. I should write this down, but I can't think.

Booth is dead; maybe if I write it enough I will believe it. An FBI agent came to my door in the middle of the night, after I left the hospital, and told me.

I waited in the hospital for hours until he came out of surgery. They told me he was going to be out for a while, so I should go home. I was only home for an hour when someone knocked on my door.

Booth is dead.

10th I can't get out of bed. I'm glad it's Saturday, and I don't have to go to work. Angela keeps coming over, but I won't let her in.

She's knocking again.

What am I going to do? I can't go on without him. I think I loved him.

Booth is dead. I felt his blood flow over my hands, and no matter how much pressure I used, nothing stopped it. I saw him slip into unconsciousness. The paramedics had to pull him away from me. They refused to let me go in the ambulance with them.

11th Booth is dead. I need to compartmentalize this. I need to go to work tomorrow, and I can't let them know. I can do this. I can compartmentalize this. I know I can.

12th I made it. I went to work today. I am working on the victims in limbo, because I can't handle anything else. I am keeping it together, but I feel like a zombie. I am getting better at compartmentalizing this.

17th It is easier when I'm at work. If I go to work, I don't have to face this empty feeling inside me.

21st Today is his funeral. I am not going. I can't look at that coffin knowing that he is inside there. I need to keep my feelings compartmentalized, and I won't be able to do that if I see the coffin.

It was all a lie. Booth lied to me about his death. He was at the funeral, and when I saw him, I punched him in the face. How DARE he lie to me! How DARE he let me think he was dead, and not call me to tell me the truth. I need to talk to him about this now.

I went to Booth's apartment to confront him. He was taking a bath, wearing a hat that dispenses beer, smoking a cigar, and reading a comic book. When I walked into the room, he stood up out of the tub completely naked. He is a beautiful specimen of a man. I never realized what a gorgeous body he had.

22nd Gormogon is back, and while performing an experiment, Zack was blown up. He has severe damage to him hands, and he will never be able to use them the same way again.

24th Someone at the lab is Gormogon's apprentice.

25th It's Zack.

26th Why is it every time I get close to another person they leave me? First my mother and father, then Russ, and many various boyfriends, Booth, although he came back, and now Zack. I guess I am not meant for long-term relationships. They are letting him plea temporary insanity, so he can be in a psychiatric facility, instead of jail.

After we left the hospital, we went to the lab to collect some of his things, to send him. As we looked through the box, I realized that I never gave him anything of value. Booth came to me and showed me a letter I had written him, when I offered him the job as my assistant. He said I gave him the best gift of all.

I really miss him. He was an asset to the lab, and I don't know how we will replace him. Cam suggested that we use various interns until I find a replacement. She doesn't realize that I will no one will ever replace Zack.

I'm going away for the summer again, so maybe that will help me deal with the loss. I wonder if I will miss Booth as much as I did last year?

.

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**Please post some reviews. I would like to know what everyone thinks, bad or good.**


	6. The Devotion in the Desire

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Devotion in the Desire

Zack left for Iraq, and Bones has withdrawn from everyone around her. I don't know how to get her back in the field. I'm not sure if it is something I did, or she is upset about the departure of Zack. When I finally got her to leave the lab, we found out the victim was eaten by a cannibal, so I really don't know which was worse.

I spoke to Cam to see if she had any idea what was wrong, and she told me that maybe it's because I arrested her Dad. Bones told me she understood that, but now I don't know. She is such a complicated person, and I am finding that I am enjoying discovering all the sides of her personality.

Zack came back from the war, they told him he was unable to assimilate. I believe that.

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We arrested the man who ate our victim, and when we went to talk to him in jail, I finally found out what was wrong between us. She was upset over the fact that I didn't stop Zack from going in the first place. It bothered her that I didn't tell him, 'Iraq is no place for a guy like you'. I remember that conversation so well, because it was the point at which I got her back. She finally understood.

She said, "And he'd never have left. You could have stopped him. Why didn't you do that?"

"Whatever Zack's deal is- okay his weirdness - whatever you want to call it…"

"I call it genius."

"He's a… man. He's a, uhm, he's a strange man, but he's a man who wanted to serve a larger purpose."

"This is some alpha male rite of passage?"

"No"

"You mean, go to war?"

"Wrong. No. Zack needed to leave the nest. The same way you did when you wanted to leave the lab and see the world for the first time, and I helped you do that. How could I stop Zack from doing the exact same thing in his own way?"

The prison guard interrupted us at that point, so I didn't say anymore, but I know she needs to process information in her own time, so I just had to let her be.

A few days later, we met at the reflecting pool for coffee. She was talking nonstop about the case and as I handed her, her coffee, her lips touched my hand, and it felt as if bolt of electricity went through me. What was forming between us?

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I think Bones is beginning to forgive her father. I hope this helps her to heal from the hurt she holds inside. She visits him almost every day.

This was a creepy case. The victim was part of a fantasy world that had people pretend to be ponies. They even ate horse food. It was a strange way to have sex. When the case was over, I told Bones that there was a big difference between having kinky sex and making love. I was shocked when she agreed with me.

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Because I arrested Max, we have to see a therapist in order to remain partners. He's like twelve years old, and I don't like him. He was questioning my humanity, and Bones stuck up for me. I couldn't believe it. It felt so good to have her tell him off in protection of me.

He said we could stay together, but had to continue to see him. That we have an emotional attachment to each other, and that we complete each other. Wow, how does he know?

We talked about what would happen if there were no more murders. She said that she would not even have coffee with me. When I heard that it felt like my heart was breaking, so I asked her why wouldn't she have coffee with me, and she said if there weren't any murders we wouldn't know each other. Once I explained what I meant, she agreed to have coffee with me, but when I looked at her, I felt that we both wanted more than coffee.

She was Wonder Woman for Halloween, and she looked great. At the end of the evening she said we could be Wonder Woman and Clark Kent after a real bad date. At first, I thought she meant something more by that comment, but afterward I realized I misunderstood.

I had to kill a man tonight. He was the murderer and he would have killed Megan Shaw if we didn't catch him, but I still regret taking a life.

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I let it slip how well I know Bones today. I was fooling around and I told her I knew her password. I also told her I knew her second choice and her favorite planet. I remember everything she tells me. I think she was surprised by my admission. She really has no idea how she affects me.

Bones told me a story from her childhood today, and I laughed at her. I didn't mean to, it just happened, and now she's mad at me. It really bothers me when she's angry, so I need to make amends.

Sweets said to tell her an embarrassing story back, but she doesn't like any of my stories. She said they were all about my sexual exploits. I finally told her about the time I laughed when one of my buddies held this kid over a stairwell. That day I chose a side and it was the wrong one. I went against what I believed in. I went against my nature. She accepted my story, and the Brainy Smurf I bought her. I wish she would accept me, because I am having a hard time fighting this feeling between us. Why did I have to draw that line?

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Russ walked into my office at the FBI, and I arrested him, but when I looked into Temperance's face, I saw so much pain, that I had to let him see his daughter, so I took him to the hospital to visit her. She kissed me. She kissed me, on the cheek, but she still kissed me. I was frozen in place, and I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to take her into my arms, and pull her close, but I knew I would frighten her. I think she is terrified of any feelings. I felt like a teenager getting my first kiss, and all I could say was "Just don't tell anyone." Wow, I am totally losing this battle.

I helped Russ by having some friends make a few phone calls on his behalf, but if he hurts Bones, again I will make him pay.

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Gorgomon sent a pair of kneecaps to Bones' home through the mail. She was so relaxed about the situation, but I was concerned about her safety.

I think I am in love with her, and I don't know what to do. I look forward to seeing her each day, and think about the different excuses I can use just to be close to her. I wonder how she feels, or better yet, if she knows. Sometimes when I look at her it seems like she feels the same way too, but then she changes her expression so quickly I wonder if I imagined it.

I went to the shooting range again today. I have to be at my best. I can't let her get hurt. I need to protect he r. I need to keep her safe.

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Bones kissed me, a real, on the lips, made me feel lightheaded and dizzy kind of kiss. Even though Caroline set it all up, so Bones could get a trailer to visit her Dad on Christmas Eve, it felt amazing. I couldn't even think afterward. I can only imagine what it would have been like if it was for real. Well I can imagine, because I will never forget that first kiss, but now that I love her, I know the next one will be mind blowing.

Parker and I went to the jail afterwards and brought her a tree. I could see the happiness in her eyes, and hear it in her voice on the phone as I wished her a Merry Christmas.

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I have to go on a date with Bones. Can Sweets find any other ways to torture me?

I worried for nothing, Bones was very cool about it, and it wasn't even weird.

Bones is the foster parent of a six-month-old baby, which we found at a crime scene. As I watch her with the baby, she seems to have developed a motherly instinct with him. I am surprised that she adapted so well to caring for him, because I didn't think she had any experience with children.

I think she is becoming attached to him, because when I said we had to bring him to family services she became stubborn and refused, so we ended keeping him for a few more days.

She decided to rebuild the bridge into town, and she hired Andy's new mother to head up the project. I wish she would take my advice and buy a house then we could all go fishing, come back home, plop ourselves in front of that one hundred and three inch plasma screen of *heaven* and *football* and she can make the seven layer dip… Maybe someday…

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Bones' father is on trial for murder. They temporarily severed our partnership. This is the first time I have regretted going to court. I don't want to sit on the witness chair and look into her eyes.

I had to serve a warrant on Bones to look for the murder weapon in her home. Zack came with me, and he found it. This is more difficult than I thought. While he was searching, I told her that she needs to be Temperance, and not Dr. Brennan. I hope she understood me.

Bones came to me with a question about the trial. She said she had an alternate story. I told her to go with her heart, but never expected this. When they put me on the witness stand and asked me if she could commit murder, I couldn't believe it. I looked at her and realized that she was the alternate story. I should have known. After all, I was there when we found the murder weapon in her home.

I told the court, "Temperance Brennan – I've worked with this woman. I've stood over death with her; I've faced down death with her. And Sweets, he's brilliant, he is, but he's wrong. She could not have done this." Then they asked if she had time, and I had to answer," Yes".

Max was released from jail, he was found innocent of murder, and he is staying with Bones for a little while until he finds his own place. Bones will never cease to amaze me.

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Our new case is about a singer who was murdered, and during the investigation, Bones told me she could sing like Cindi Lauper. I don't know if I believe that. I think I am going to set up a time where she can sing for us.

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Bones can sing! Wow, she's very good. I didn't believe that. The only thing is, I was shot during her singing, and when I woke up the bureau told me they staged my death, so we can catch Ramon Sanborn. I have been trying to catch him for years, but he went underground over five years ago, and no one has seen him since.

I was gone for two weeks, and when I returned, at my funeral, Bones punched me. I didn't know it at the time, but Sweets decided not to tell her, so she spent the past two weeks thinking I was dead. I don't think she cares for me as much as I care for her, because if she did she would have been more upset at my funeral. I was going to tell her that night she sang, and now I'm glad I didn't.

Gormogon strikes again, and this time he took one of our own. Zack became his apprentice. Bones is devastated, and I don't know what to do to help her through this. If we were together I would take her in my arms and hold her, but we aren't, and I can only be there, if she needs me.

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**Please post some reviews. I would like to know what everyone thinks, bad or good. **


	7. The Reality in the Dream

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Reality in the Dream

I met Bones in England, and we ended up solving a murder. This guy Ian tried for two weeks to get Bones to sleep with him. I told her he just looking for a one-night stand, and she should stay away from him. She actually listened to me. Then he was murdered, and we were asked to stay and help solve the murder.

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We are finally home. I am glad I live in the United States, because people in England don't know how to drive. They drive on the wrong side of the road, and they don't know how to make a good cup of coffee. Thank God, I'm back in the good old USA.

I went to pick up Bones for a case, and while I was waiting for her, a half-naked man, named Mark, walks out of her bedroom. I didn't even know she was dating anyone. Then when we get to the car, she says it's only for sex. Not only that, the next day she says she is going out with a Botanist named Jason, and that she is still with Mark.

I am in shock; she has two men at the same time, but for different reasons. She says that Mark is for sex, and Jason is intellectually stimulating. Well they both met, and then broke up with her. Therefore, that leads us to sitting on Sweets' couch talking about her relationships.

"Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place."

"All relationships are temporary."

"No, that's not true, Bones. You're wrong. Okay, there is someone for everyone. Someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right? You just have to be open enough to see it. That's all."

I wish she realized that I want to be that one.

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Zack just walked into the lab today, he copied Sweets' badge, and walked out of the loony bin, then into the lab. I brought him back after he solved the case.

Bones fixed my back. It had been hurting all week, and she just popped it back into place like magic. When she came up behind me, and put her arms around me, I was a bit concerned. It was a little erotic at first, feeling her pressed up against my back. I could feel the entire outline of her body, but then she rotated my hips, and popped it back in. it hasn't felt this good in a month.

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My brother, Jared, showed up today, and invited Bones to go to this fancy party with him. I was stunned and hurt that she went. I don't know why it bothered me so much, because we are just partners, but I was still upset. Then he told her I was afraid of success, and she believed him. I was furious at her. How could she do that to me? We have been together for more than three years, and she doesn't know me yet?

Jared always calls me when he has problems. He was stopped for drunk driving, and I had to give up my RICO case to get him out of trouble. That was supposed to be the case that propels me into FBI legendary status. That case was my trip to Hawaii and now that case is shit.

Bones was shot today. It was only a flesh wound, but I still feel responsible, because I'm supposed to keep her safe.

At my birthday party, Bones apologized in her own way, by giving the toast she said, "Anthropology teaches us that, the alpha male is the man, wearing the crown, displaying the most colorful plumage and the shiniest baubles, he stands out from the others. But, I now think that anthropology may have it wrong. In working with Booth, I have come to realize that the quiet man, the invisible man, the man who is always there for friends and family, that's the real alpha male, and I promise, that my eyes will never be caught by those… shiny baubles again. Happy Birthday.

It wasn't as much as what she said as the look she gave me. It was so intense and passionate, I thought I could see her true feeling in her eyes at that moment, but maybe it was just the wine.

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We were on a plane to China, when a passenger was murdered. She was able to help me solve the case in four hours. She really is awesome.

My flirting is totally wasted on her. She was wearing some glasses that made her look like a librarian, and I said, "All right, what I want you to do is take off your glasses, shake out your hair and say, "Mr. Booth, do you know what the penalty is for an overdue book?""

She just gave me a blank look, so I gave up. At that moment, I could have kissed her. Maybe it's a good thing that she didn't understand.

Then at the end of the flight before we took off to return home with our suspect, I again tried to get her to notice me, but the kid had to interrupt us. He asked if we were going to make out. Even a sixteen-year-old kid can understand how I feel, why can't she?

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Cam gave Max a job at the Jeffersonian, and Bones is irritated. She thinks he shouldn't work there, because he is a criminal. I think it is because she wants to keep her distance from him. She is afraid of feeling the love she has toward her father.

Max asked me if I was sleeping with Bones today. When I told him no, he asked if I was gay. Then he asked me if I was attracted to her, and I told him I thought she was beautiful. I think he knows how I feel toward her. He told me I'm a good man, and he's want that for her. Can everyone see how I feel?

We had to go undercover again. This time it was in a circus. I think, Bones, enjoyed it a little too much. We pretended to be a knife-throwing act, but she wanted me to throw knives at smaller and smaller targets. She is so different when we are undercover. It's as if she doesn't have to hide her feelings.

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Bones came to one of my hockey games today. I got a penalty and had to sit out for two minutes. The best part was that she was sitting right near me. It was great to see her smile. I love her smile; it brightens up her whole face.

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I was a suspect in a murder, and they had another agent work with my squints. Bones said she wouldn't work with anyone, but me, that made me feel good. Agent Perotta had me stay on as a consultant, so the squints would cooperate.

I got a concussion from falling on the ice, and Bones stayed up all night with me. I think we are getting closer. I noticed that she likes to touch me quite often. Sometimes it's just a touch on my arm or hand, and other times she will grab my arm, lay her head on my shoulder, and kind of hug me. I think I like those touches the best. Maybe she does have feelings for me.

I wonder if I can ever be good enough for her. She deserves the best. I killed so many people while I was in the Army, and I don't know if I can ever make up for that. Can she overlook my faults enough to give us a chance? Do I even try to think she can?

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The Gravedigger kidnapped me today, and Bones came to get me. I knew she would, because she would never give up.

The only thing is it was a very strange experience for me. I had this hallucination help me the whole time. His name was Teddy, and without him, I would have died on that boat. He asked me some significant questions, while we were trapped. I'm not sure if it was my own mind talking to me, or if he was really there, like a ghost. Nevertheless, something happened, and I got out alive.

One thing he made me think about was why I never told Bones I love her, because I now know I do, but I also know that I can't tell her yet. I don't think I am what she needs, and I wouldn't want to disappoint her.

I will never forget the look on her face when she called to me from the helicopter. As she called to me, I saw a look of desperation, and vulnerability, and as I climbed into the chopper, she pulled me into her arms, and held me tight. I never wanted to let her go. I wanted to stay there and hold her forever, but the chopper landed, and I had to release her, and let life go on.

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I hurt my back, and Agent Perotta took over the case. They have me on very strong painkillers, and I should be resting, but I keep thinking about her. Agent Perotta had Sweets go on an investigation with her and a car hit them. Doesn't Perotta know what could happen to her? She could be injured, or even worse killed. I would miss those beautiful blue eyes, and that soft skin, and her hair, oh, I love her hair. Wow, I need to sleep now; the medicine is starting to work.

Bones and Perotta solved the case, and Bones came by to tell me about it. She looked at my x-rays, and said she could fix my back. While she had her hands wrapped around me, by the way it felt great to feel her near me, Agent Perotta walked in.

Agent Perotta seemed to get all flustered, as if we were doing something, and left. Well that caused Bones to become concerned, and she left too, so now I am all alone again.

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Could Bones be jealous? I must be wrong, because I don't think she cares about me like that, but today a woman at the car dealership was flirting with me and as a joke, I flirted back. Bones became irritated and told me I didn't have to answer her back. I have to be wrong, she only thinks of me as her partner.

I knew I was wrong, because we went to a strip club to interrogate a witness, and she didn't even care that the woman was all over me. She gave me one hell of a lap dance, and my body responded, even though I didn't want it to. Well I had to tell Bones to wait for me outside, because I couldn't stand up in that condition. I needed a few minutes alone.

Bones actually said I was better at talking to people then she was. This is the first time; she had admitted that I am better than she is at something. I need to remember this day. The only problem is that not more than five minutes later she had me convinced to let her drive the car that I borrowed from Buddy.

I told her driving this car is like making love, you have to do it gently, but she said she likes it passionate and uninhibited. Wow, I should have known, everything she does is passionate, why wouldn't making love be that way too. Anyway, she drove the car maybe twenty feet, and stalled it. I gave up, left her there, and went to get a cab, but she looked so sad, I couldn't leave her, so I gave in and drove her home. Why can't I ever say no to that woman?

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Parents should take an active role in raising their children. I had to talk to a young man today, about how he is responsible for three teenage girls that he got pregnant. His parents should have told him that not me.

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A close friend of Cam's died this week, leaving his 16-year-old daughter all alone. I was shocked when I found out that Bones told her she should take care of Michelle. Bones has such a big heart; I just wish she would let other people see it sometimes.

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Bones has been very complimentary toward me lately. Just today, she told me, "Well, there is intelligence that I have and Mr. Nigel-Murray, and Hodgins, and Angela…not so much, but she's very talented. But then, there's another quality, which is the ability to use intelligence. That is what you have."

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Today the case was about weddings and love, and all those things that Bones doesn't believe in. She was very argumentative the whole time. I asked her if she ever dreamed about getting married when she was young and innocent, but she didn't really answer me. I wonder if she would ever change her mind. I wonder if I could help her to do that. Then she said that love causes delusions, and anyone with a brain would never get married. I guess that answered my questions.

After the case was over, Bones came over my house, and told me that she is jealous of Angela, Hodgins, and me. When I asked her why, she said, "Because you all want to lose yourself in another person. You believe that love is transcendent and eternal. I want to believe that, too."

I just sat down near her on the couch and told her, Someday you will, someday you will."

I can only wait, but for now, I will be there for her, talk to her, and hope for the future.

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Gordon Gordon is back, but it was only to tell me he was leaving psychiatry to become a chef. He made us bean stew, and made us go invite Sweets for dinner, because he thinks Sweets needs a family. I'm certainly not his family, and Sweets just needs to grow up. He's not a kid, and we shouldn't have to reach out to him all the time.

I didn't want to go, but Bones did, and I can't refuse her anything, so we went. Well that didn't turn out how I liked. I should have known that Gordon Gordon had an ulterior motive. He always gets me like that.

When we got to Sweets' office, he was working at his computer. I invite him to dinner, he refuses, and I go to leave, but Bones has a different idea. She tells us that one of her foster parents locked her in the trunk of a car for two days for dropping a dish. I can tell this memory is painful to her, because she starts to cry. Where did that come from, I just wanted to invite him to dinner, not start a dialog about our painful childhoods.

I hand her my handkerchief, and then she looks at me and says, "Okay. Your turn. Go." She expected me to tell him something about my childhood. Look I'm sorry Sweets has scars on his back, but I am not talking about my old man for anything, but then she gives me that look. The one that melts my heart, and makes me do anything she wants, and I can't resist, so I told HER. Not anyone else, just her. Of course, Sweets was in the room, so I had to tell him that I will not ever speak about this again.

So, I turn to her to see if she's all right, because that must have been hard on her, and she says she's fine, and gives me back my handkerchief, by putting it in my pocket. She kept her hand on my heart a little longer than she needed to. I think it was a way for her to tell me she understood what I did.

I haven't told her anything about my childhood yet, so this was a difficult thing for me. I hope she can still accept me for who I am, and not think of me as damaged goods. I have put my past behind me; I am not that person anymore. I just want to be who I am right now.

My friend from Tokyo came to visit, but it was not a social call, his sister was murdered. He stayed with me and helped with the investigation. He told me he knows how I feel about Bones, but he knows that she has no idea. Am I that obvious?

My brother got a dishonorable discharge from the Navy today. No Booth has ever been dishonorably discharged from anything, but it happened because he helped me when I was kidnapped, so I can't be too mad. He is leaving for India to travel around on a motorcycle. He really needs to grow up.

I know I need to let him make his own mistakes, or he will never become a productive adult, but it's so hard to let go. I have always protected him, so it's hard to let go.

He invited me to come today. Maybe…

I talked to Bones about going to India with my brother, she seemed a little nervous about it. I wonder what that means?

I'm not going, he needs to make his own mistakes, and he won't do that if we are together. I told Bones her frontal lobe is the size of a raisin, because she has never done anything wrong. I can't believe she believes me! She wants to do something bad, so I showed her how to dine and dash. I really left the money on the table, but she didn't see.

I loved the look on her face, as we ran out of the restaurant. She looked liberated and carefree. I don't think I have ever seen that look on her face before. I grabbed her hand as we ran for the car and she gripped mine back. It was the most perfect feeling in the world.

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I'm lying in this hospital bed thinking about all the things that have happened to me over the past three days. It all started in Sweets' office, when he wanted Bones and me to play a game; it was a stupid game that made no sense to either of us, and suddenly in the middle of the game, Bones says that she wants a baby.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. Where did this idea come from? I remember only a few years ago, that she said she never wanted children, and suddenly, she wants a baby? What the hell?

Then, if the first piece of news wasn't bad enough, she said she wants it to be mine. I was stunned to say the least. Afterward, I found out, that she wants to be artificially inseminated, with my sperm.

Well, I couldn't refuse, so I said yes, but when I went to give the sample, I saw Stewie. He was carrying on a conversation with me, and it freaked me out. Come to find out, I am the perfect candidate, and she said she might be pregnant next month. This was moving way too fast for me, and I was shocked. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted this.

I definitely want to have a baby with Bones, but as a family. I want to be with her forever, and raise our child together. I can't be just some guy who donates, to get her pregnant, then leaves her to do this alone. I NEED to be involved, and if she doesn't want me involved, I can't do it. Therefore, I decided that I would tell her the next day.

During all this baby stuff, we also had a case, and during the interrogation of the suspect, I saw Stewie again. When she found out she freaks out, and now I am here waiting for the doctors to cut open my brain, and take out a tumor.

I see her coming down the hall. She is so beautiful, as she stops outside the room to wait for the doctors to finish prepping me for surgery. She looks into the room, and I realize that I really do love her, and I want to be with her forever. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to tell her right after my surgery is over. I want to tell her the truth. She smiles back at me and I know she loves me too. I just know it.

Next, I see a melancholy look on her face, and I know she is worried. She walks into the room, and I ask her to go into surgery with me. I know if she is there, I will be safe. I know I can do anything as long as she is with me.

While we are walking down the hall, I tell her that if I don't make it, I want her to use my sperm, and have our child.

I silently know that this will be my testament to our love. My last wish, for her happiness.

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Wow, what a dream, it felt so real. Who is this woman in front of me? Why does she look so familiar? Where is Bren? I want my wife. What happened to the club, and why am I in bed? I'm very confused. I think I am sick, but I'm tired too. Maybe if I sleep.

I'm awake again. There are several doctors around me. They keep telling me that I was in a coma, but I don't remember that. I just want Bren. Where is she? One of the doctors left to get her.

There she is. Why is she so far away from me? Why doesn't she hold me in her arms, I am so scared. She looks so sad. Why is her hair different? What has happened to me?

Sweets is here. Why is a bartender visiting me? I guess if I'm sick, my friends would come, but he looks so different. Why is he wearing a suit? He keeps telling me that it was a dream, because of my coma. However, I was so happy there, I want it to be real, and I want that life. I don't want to be an FBI agent, and have Bren be my partner. I want my wife back. We were having a baby.

May 16th Sweets told me to write things down as I try to remember. This is my first entry. Bren went home and left me here. Angela came to visit. She said she is an artist, and works at the Jeffersonian reconstructing faces for dead people. That's gross. I saw enough dead bodies in the war, why would I want to see them now.

I want to go back to my dream. I love Bren so much; I just want to hold her. I want my baby, my little boy. She won't come to close to me. It's as if she is afraid of me. How do I make myself go back to what was? I don't want this life. I want Bren.

May 17th Bren came to visit today. I am starting to remember that other life, the one I don't want. I was so happy as a nightclub owner. I still want to go back, but I know I can't. Sometimes at night, when I'm all alone and no one is here, I can't stop the tears, for what could have been.

Sweets is driving me nuts. He pushes and pushes, so I will remember my real life. Each day that passes, I see the dream life drift away, and I regret losing it.

When Bren first came into the room, I forgot that we were not married, and asked her if she has any morning sickness yet, she reminded me that she's not pregnant, and we are not married, and then she had such a melancholy look on her face, that I wonder what she was thinking. If she wrote this other life for us, does that mean she wants it too? Could we one day have that life?

May 18th My memory is returning. I am beginning to recall most of the cases we worked on, and I don't call Temperance, Bren, much anymore. She said I called her Bones, but that still feels a little strange to me. The doctors told me I could go home soon, so I must be getting better. Although I still want the other life, I know it was a dream, and it will probably never happen.

I still feel as if I love Bones, but I don't know if those feeling are from my present life or my dream life. I remember so many things about her, and me. Eating at the Diner, sitting on my couch talking, going to Parker's games, and throughout all those memories, is the feeling of love, that I have for her. I haven't told Sweets any of this, so he can't destroy that little bit of happiness that I still have.

Bren asked me if she could go to Guatemala today, and I said yes. I remembered the conversation that we had on the plane about research being her first love, so I couldn't make her stay. I am still having a difficult time, leaving the dream memories behind, but I have stopped talking about it. I know how much it upsets everyone. I will keep them in the back of my mind, so I can draw on that happiness whenever I need to.

19th Bones came by to say goodbye, before she left on her trip. She said she will be back in six weeks, and she will see me then. I can't wait for her return. I will be so lonely without her. I wish I could have given her a kiss goodbye, but she just talked to me, and then left. I will be released tomorrow, but I will still need to come back for some physical therapy, and see Sweets twice a week. I hope that I will be able to return to work soon.

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**Please, please, please review.**


	8. The Possibilities in the Moments

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Possibilities in the Moments

August

29th During the summer, I went to England to teach Histology of Bone at Oxford University. Booth joined me during the last two weeks of my lecture, because he was lecturing at Scotland Yard. I met a man named Ian Wexler, and he pursued me relentlessly. Booth told me not to sleep with him, because he is just a guy looking for a one-night stand.

September

1st Booth told me that there wasn't a guy in the country who wouldn't want to have sex with me, because I am special. I wonder what he meant by that?

Prichard advised me to sleep with Booth.

10th Booth is upset, because I am seeing two men at the same time, but Mark is great in bed, while Jason stimulates me intellectually. I don't understand the problem; monogamous relationships make up only 17 percent of our society. Why does he care who I date, and what I do on my free time?

12th He even came to the Diner and bothered me on my date with Jason. This reminds me of how he acted with Sully.

13th Today, when we went to see Sweets, I told Booth that both Mark and Jason broke up with me, and he said,

"Right. Okay, look, I'm sorry. You know what? If Mark and Jason don't know how lucky they are, they don't deserve you in the first place."

I told him, "All relationships are temporary."

"No, that's not true. You're wrong. Okay, there is someone for everyone. Someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right? You just have to be open enough to see it. That's all."

He had such an intense look on his face that I wanted to believe him. I wish I understood what was happening between us.

I think I'm giving up on any type of relationship for a while. No one seems right for me. Maybe I am meant to be alone.

17th Parker found a finger in a nest today, and Booth is freaking out. I told him not to worry, that I found our neighbor dead when I was five, and I'm ok.

20th I adopted a dog today, but when I went to get him, I found out they put him down. Booth helped me bury him, and then held me while I cried. He has become an integral part of my life, and I would miss him, if we were ever separated.

24th Zack helped us solve a case today. He just walked into the Jeffersonian, as if he belonged there. He stole Dr. Sweets' badge, and walked out of the asylum. After we solved the case, Sweets brought him back. I really do miss him.

Booth hurt his back riding on a slide with Parker. I told him I could fix it for him, but he refused to accept my help. When he finally gave in and I walked behind him to wrap my arms around him, I realized that our position was very erotic. I was pressed up against his back with my hands wrapped around his neck. I could smell that overwhelming scent that is only Booth, and felt a strong desire to kiss the back of his neck. It was difficult for me to resist, but resist I did.

November

12th I met Booth's brother today, his name is Jared, and he took me out to a party. Booth seemed upset that I went, but when I asked, he said he didn't care. Why can't people be honest about what bothers them? Jared said Booth is afraid of success, and he tends to stay in his comfort zone. I wonder if it is true.

13th I told Booth that I thought he gave up the RICO case, because he was afraid of success, but he became very angry with me. I don't understand what is happening.

14th Cam and Sweets spoke to me about Jared today; they said Booth's been digging Jared out of trouble since they were kids. Jared always comes up smelling like a rose and Booth takes the hit. I need to talk to Jared.

They were right, Jared did something that made Booth lose the RICO case. He took advantage of him. He made me think that Booth's a loser, and what really makes me angry is, that I believed him. I wouldn't blame Booth if he never spoke to me again. Jared is the loser, not Booth. I need to make this right, but I don't know what to do.

17th At Booth's birthday party, I apologized, and I believe he forgave me, so I spoke to him about his brother. I told him he has to stop helping him out when he gets in trouble. If Booth continues to help Jared, he will never learn to help himself, and that isn't good for anybody.

He talked to Jared, outside and when Jared came in, alone, I knew it didn't go well, so I went out to see how Booth was. We sat together and shared a piece of cake. He told me his father drank. I think he is beginning to trust me.

19th I had to go to China to identify some bones founds in a cave, and on the flight there was a murder. Booth was acting strange the whole flight. He asked me about an overdue book, and while we were waiting for the plane to refuel, we were talking about how my passion is in pure science. The kid we arrested asked us if we were going to make out, why do people always think we are going to make out? I was just talking to Booth.

26th Cam gave my Dad a job at the Jeffersonian today. I fired him. I don't think he should work with forensic evidence. Sweets said that, subconsciously, I don't want to risk feeling the sense of abandonment and bereavement that I felt when he first left me. However, my dad said I was far too rational to believe the idea, but he is wrong. I can't seem to find my sense of rationality anymore. Booth seems to have destroyed that in me. I know my feelings for him are irrational, but I can't stop them.

Booth convinced me to let my dad stay. He said it was because he wants Max to enrich Parker, but I think he is trying to do me a favor by telling me it's a favor for him. I don't know, but lately I can't refuse Booth.

January

6th Booth invited me to watch him play hockey today. I don't understand the game. It is very barbaric. Booth seemed to enjoy smashing into the other players, many times causing them to fall down and get hurt. Some of them even bled. One time, he was punished, and had to sit in this little box. I was right near him, and he gave me that smile that makes my chest hurt.

At the end of the game, he was so angry with this other player named Pete Carlson; he broke his hand because he hit him so hard. I tried to go into the changing room and see how Booth was, but he made me leave. I could have looked at his hand, but he said he was ok.

February

2nd That guy that Booth hit last month, turned up dead. We had to work with another agent, because the FBI said he was a suspect. I told them I wouldn't work with anyone but Booth, so they let him stay on as a consultant.

During a hockey game, while he and Wendell were getting blood samples for me, Booth fell down and hit his head on the ice. He had a concussion, and had to stay up all night. He convinced me to stay up with him, and he taught me how to ice skate. It was so awesome to be able to hold him close. Every time I'm near him, I can feel my heart start to speed up.

I think I may be falling in love with him. I know my reaction is more than dopamine and norepinephrine, but I don't understand why. All my life I believed that love was just a chemical reaction in the brain, but this is different. This is something I don't understand, and I am terrified.

5th The Gravedigger kidnapped Booth today. Hodgins stole a piece of evidence, and the Gravedigger said he would return Booth in exchange for the evidence. We returned the evidence, but Booth was never released.

I was shocked that Jared helped us. After the last encounter with him, I didn't have a very high opinion of him. He put his career on the line, and helped us solve the case and catch the Gravedigger. It was a woman named Heather Taffet.

We found Booth on a navy ship, and I went to bring him home. We only had minutes left, when the helicopter pulled up to the ship. He kept looking behind him, as if he left something behind. I continued calling him, and he finally came to me. I pulled him into my arms and held him tight. At that moment, I never wanted to let him go, because I knew I needed him in my life, and I would never survive without him.

19th Booth hurt his anterior longitudinal ligament again, and he begged me to fix it, but when I rotated his posterior lumbar, it caused him more pain, and he had to go to the hospital. When I arrived at the lab, Agent Perotta was waiting for me. I don't like working with anybody but Booth.

22nd A car hit Sweets and me, we're ok, but Booth reacted very strangely. He made Agent Perotta promise not to leave me alone. I don't need a babysitter. Booth can be so overprotective sometimes, and I don't understand why.

March

12th There was a woman who was openly flirting with Booth today, and he was flirting back! I don't understand why, but it really bothered me that he did that. I know he is a perfect specimen, and women look at him, so I don't understand my feelings on this.

13th I don't think I will ever be as good at understanding emotions as Booth. One example is the interrogation room. I want to do what he does. I want to connect with people, like him. I asked Sweets to help me learn how to connect to people like Booth. He agreed to work with me on understanding emotions.

We started out with recognizing emotions from facial expressions. I don't think I did very well, but afterward I talked to Angela and she gave me some advice about how Booth does it. She said he is brilliant at pretending to be stupider than he actually is most of the time. I can't believe I never realized that.

She informed me that he does it more often when he is around me. Why would Booth do that? I asked her, and she told me that he knows that I like to be the smart one, so he lets me have that. So according to Angela, I should just let him have the people skills part of the job.

19th Booth is such a wonderful man. I don't think he realizes how exceptional he is. Today he spoke to a young man who got four teenage girls pregnant. He told him about how he should take responsibility for the children that he helped bring into this world. One of the girls died, before she gave birth, so her child will never be born, but the other three will always be his children.

As I stood outside the Diner and watched him speaking to that young man, I realized that Booth is different from any other man I had ever known. He is strong, and honorable. He strives to create a better world, by influencing those around him with his high sense of morals. He has courage, compassion and empathy. These traits are difficult to find in a man.

Last month, Booth and I talked about how far society had come since medieval times, and Booth said he thought chivalry was a good thing. I could picture Booth as a knight, always trying to save the world from evil dragons. Even thought there are no such things as dragons, but I do believe Booth would fit into that period perfectly.

Angela asked me if I thought a sunset is more beautiful when it is shared with someone I cared about. I think I would like to experience watching the sunset with Booth.

April

2th Hodgins and Vincent Nigel-Murray performed an experiment today to see if a meteor could hit a victim making her explode into tiny pieces. The only problem was that they didn't account for the fallout of firing a cannon indoors. When it exploded Booth grabbed me and threw me against the wall protecting me from the blast, I think I enjoyed experiencing that protective nature that he has.

During the course of the investigation, Booth was punched in the jaw. When I went to see if he was ok, he told me, "You know, you're the only smart person I really like."

8th Today's case was about a woman who was murdered right after she was fitted for a wedding dress. I don't believe in love or the archaic ritual of marriage. We went to the bridal shop, and the owner said Booth and I were meant for each other. Booth never contradicted her. I wonder what that means.

Booth told me today that I am scared of love. I think he may be right.

9th I want to have what everyone else has, I want to believe that love is transcendent and eternal, but I don't know how. I went over Booth's today, and talked to him about it, and he told me someday I will have that. He promised that someday I will. As he told me this, he snuggled closer to me on the couch. I enjoyed the feel of his body close to mine.

10th There are some strange types of music out there. This case led us to a black metal band named Spew. We went to see the band and the lead guitarist, spat on Booth's ID. Well, of course Booth pulls out his gun and shoots the speaker, so he is again on desk duty.

11th Because of Booth's desk duty, I had to go to this concert with Sweets, and the lead singer slits his throat. I pulled Sweets' shirt off to help stop the blood flow, and it revealed scars on his back. I never knew that Sweets was abused as a child.

13th Booth tried that trick that Angela told me about, when he tries to be stupider that he really is, but this time Dr. Wyatt calls him on it. Well, we catch the murderer, and Wyatt goes to Booth's place to make dinner.

14th Wyatt inadvertently compares Sweets to a baby duck, and tells us we should take him under our wing, so we go to invite Sweets for dinner. While there, I tell them about the time my foster parents locked me in the trunk of a car. Booth hands me his handkerchief, as I ask him to tell us a story from his childhood. He tells me that if it wasn't for his grandfather, he probably would have killed himself as a child. Then he turns to me and asks if I'm ok. After that story, he is worried about me? What kind of man is he?

What type of horrible man was his father? I know that he was an alcoholic, and he was abusive, but could it have been so bad that Booth wanted to die? I have never felt that way, no matter how bad it was at my foster parents.

At that point, I wanted to pull Booth into my arms and hold him, but I knew with Sweets there it would not have been appropriate. Therefore, I did the only thing I could think of, and that was, when I returned his handkerchief, I kept my hand on his heart to show him I understood. I just needed to touch him, to let him know I cared.

Lately I have this innate desire to touch him, and I don't understand why. I feel drawn to him in an ineffable way. Maybe it is because I haven't had any relationships since September when he told me I would find that special someone. Could that someone be him? Is that why I am so intrigued by him?

20th I had a conversation with a friend of Booth's today. He raised his sister after their parents died, and she was recently murdered. I wondered if love was worth all the pain, he was now feeling, to have his happiness so contingent upon another human being. He told me, "If I was willing to give up my life for Sachi… why would I not be willing to risk my happiness for her?"

I would gladly give my life for Booth. Am I willing to give my happiness?

30th Booth told me my frontal lobe would be all dried up, if I didn't do something bad in my life. He said life's lessons are learned through our mistakes. Well, when we were at the Founding Fathers, we 'dined and dashed'. I had never heard of the before, but Booth knew what to do.

He counted to three and told me to run out of the restaurant. I was scared, but at the same time, it was exhilarating to do something bad. As we left the restaurant, he grabbed my hand, and I held his tight. It felt amazing to hold his hand, and I kept hold of him until we were at the car. I had the most incredible adrenaline rush as I entered the car.

May

7th I told Booth that I wanted to have a baby today, and I want to use his sperm to inseminate myself.

8th He agreed. He has an appointment later today, to test his sperm for viability.

9th Booth is the perfect candidate for insemination. As I think about what I am about to do, I wonder if I am really doing this for the reasons I gave him, or using it as a way to have a piece of him with me forever. His baby would be my guarantee that I will never lose him, and even if he leaves me, I will still have something from him. Some part of him that I will love forever.

11th As I'm writing this, I am sitting beside Booth holding his hand. He is still out from the surgery. He had a cerebella pilocytic astrocytoma, which is a brain tumor. They tested the tumor during the surgery, and it is benign. Now the only thing I can do is wait.

12th Booth is still unconscious. The doctor said he had an adverse reaction to the anesthesia. They told me that if I talk to him it may help, so I am going to write him a story, as I sit here, waiting for him to wake up.

"_People say you only live once, but people are as wrong about that, as they are about everything. In the darkest moments before dawn, a woman returns to her bed. What life is she leading? Is it the same life the woman was living half an hour ago? A day ago? A year ago? Who is this man? Do they lead separate lives, or is it a single life shared?" _

I have been staying at the hospital with Booth, and as I write my story, I read it to him, a chapter at a time. The only reason I am home now is that Angela showed up and sent me home. I had been there for 36 hours, never leaving his side. I don't know why, but I can't make myself leave. I don't want him to wake up and see someone else. I don't want anything to happen to him, and me not be there. I could never handle losing him again.

There is something happening to me as I write this story. It seems as if the story has become a parallel life to me. I know how irrational that sounds, maybe it is the lack of sleep, I don't know, but something is guiding me as I write it. Perhaps it comes from my subconscious mind, and this is the life that I wish I had. I don't know, but as I read it to him, I silently wish it were true.

15th I am home again, this time, I left the hospital myself. I needed time and space to think about what has happened.

"_When you love someone; you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart; maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That's the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens, which-allow us to fly"._

I finished the story, and then deleted it. I don't want anyone to know I wrote it. Everyone at the lab thinks Booth and I are in love, and I don't need to feed into their fantasies. I don't love him, yet. I know I can say that here in my journal, because no one will ever read it, except me.

Just as the blank page emerged, he started to move. I quickly got up and ran to his side. I can never remember a time when I felt so much elation at seeing his eyes, but it was short lived. He didn't remember me.

As he awoke, he kept saying, "It felt so real.", and after I realized that he didn't know me, I went to get the doctors, so they could check him out. I had to leave the room temporarily, but when I returned, he asked me why I changed my hair. Then he called me Bren, and thought I was his wife. He heard my story, and thought it was real.

I again left the room and called Sweets. Maybe he could help.

I stayed until Sweets arrived, and then I had to go home.

That is why I am here, at home, alone. I don't know what to do. I wrote that fantasy life, without knowing the consequences, and now I'm scared.

16th I went back to the hospital, after I rested, showered and changed. Sweets said he still thinks that the story I read him was real. He doesn't understand where I went, and he wants me to take him home.

What am I going to do?

I went back into his room. He smiled as soon as he saw me.

"Bren, where were you? I missed you. Come here."

I tried to talk to him. I tried to explain it was a story, but he seems so confused. I stayed and talked to him about some of the cases we solved. Then when Angela, Hodgins, and Cam showed up, I went home again.

17th Sweets has been spending a lot of time with Booth. I hate that he is with him, but I don't know what else to do. He still is having a hard time remembering. He still calls me Bren, and talks about the baby. He is excited, and wants a boy, but it is becoming less frequent. I want it to be true, but we can't just drop our lives, and begin a false one created by a dream.

I still go to the hospital every day, and stay with him, but the visits are awkward and unnerving. I got a call from Guatemala; they want me to go on a dig, to uncover Aztecs. It will be a once in a lifetime opportunity, but I need to be sure he will be ok, before I leave.

18th Booth is improving, his memory is coming back, his vision is clearing, and he seldom slurs his speech. He only slips occasionally and calls me Bren, but it still hurts to hear it. The doctors said he would be fine in a few days, so I think I will talk to him about going. I won't leave unless he wants me to.

19th I am leaving for Guatemala tonight. Booth said he is fine, and I should go. His gait has improved, and he hasn't called me Bren at all today. Sweets said he will continue to work with him, and I shouldn't worry. He is being released tomorrow.

My plane leaves at 10:00, and I will stop by the hospital to say goodbye before I leave. I am excited to go, but at the same time, I am concerned for Booth. I hope he will be ok.

**Please, please, please review. **


	9. The Confusion in the Healing

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**This post is only half of the season, because it was getting too long,so I decided to do half the season this week, and half next week. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Confusion in the Healing

During the six weeks that I have been out of work, I have discovered that it is easier to deny my feelings for Bones, than voice how I feel. If I continued to talk about my coma dream, I would never be able to go back to work, so I talked about everything else, and soon found myself fit for duty. I waited at Bones' office, because I knew she would come there first.

She came into the office, and sat on me. I had fallen asleep on her couch. As soon as I saw her, I pulled her into my arms. Her scent overwhelmed me. I remember that scent. That Bones scent. It was just like my dream, and all those feelings inundated my senses. I held her a little too long then I quickly pulled away from her.

Wow, this is going to be hard. I still love her. No matter how much time has passed, and no matter how much therapy, I still love her.

Angela walks into the office and , tells us about bodies buried under the Taversham fountain. She says that this psychic, named Avalon, told her Bones was pregnant in my dream.

I couldn't look at Bones, because if I did I would have told her. I would have told her I loved her, and I want to have children. I want to know that my child is growing inside her. I want to be with her forever. Therefore, I look at the floor, and avoid her eyes.

I told her we have to go check it out, because I need something to do. She agrees.

When we show up at the fountain, she criticizes my clothes. I forgot the socks, my belt buckle, and my tie. I'll get it, I just need time to adjust.

We brought Avalon in for questioning, and she tells me that I'm worried I lost something. She's right, I lost the happiness I felt in the dream. Then she says, "You never lost anything in that coma, Agent Booth. You gained something." Should I believe her?

I talked to Cam today, and she knew I was in love with Bones. She told me something that really bothers me. She said, "Be sure about your feelings because if you crack that shell, and you change your mind, she'll die of loneliness before she'll ever trust anyone again."

Should I tell her?

First, try. I chickened out.

Met Bones and Angela in front of the Diner today, and Angela kissed me on the forehead. Bones asked me if I wanted her to kiss me on the forehead. I said yes, closed my eyes and waited, but she laughed and walked away. That really hurt.

Sweets came to my office and showed me pictures of my brain. He told me that before the operation, I wasn't in love with Bones, but during my coma I was. He had copies of my scans that were taken three days ago, and the same area is still lit up.

He said, "Now, I think you and I both know that Dr. Brennan's hyper-rationality is really just a cover for a very vulnerable and sensitive core. So, if you breach those defenses and it turns out you don't really love her… " and he left.

What the hell, am I supposed to do?

I hate this, I feel like I'm falling apart. I know I love her, I know it. I remember that first kiss in the rain, I remember the first time I held her in my arms, and I remember holding her while we were skating. I remember the hug in the helicopter. I know I love her, so what do I do now?

I went to see Avalon again, and she told me Bones was in trouble, and I needed to go to her, so I left and went to get Bones. Avalon was right; the crazy doctor was trying to kill her. I shot him, but not before Bones was stabbed. He hit an artery, and she was bleeding severely. I put pressure on the cut and held her close until the ambulance came. I should have been there; I should have been taking care of her. I went to the hospital with her, but after, I had to go fill out paperwork on the shooting, so I left her at her apartment.

I know I love her; I'm going to tell her tonight.

We were walking down the street, outside the Diner, and I tried several times to tell her, but she kept walking away from me. Then a clown, who squirted me with water, interrupted us. I laughed, squeezed his nose, and shook his hand and Bones freaked out. I forgot that I hate clowns, and when she told me, I remembered, but it made me question my feelings for her again.

However, I told her anyway, but she looked at me with a scared look on her face, so I changed it to, in a professional you know atta-girl kinda way.

Then she says the same thing back to me. I'm hopeless, why is this so difficult for me? Why am I having so much trouble telling her? Maybe everyone's right, and it is a side effect of my coma, but it feels so real.

Afterwards, we went to arrest Fargood, and met Avalon at the police station.

She told me, "You two are going to keep doing things as usual."

I said, "Sometimes you gotta settle for second best."

Then she says, "By the way, my cards tell me this all works out eventually."

Well if it all works out eventually, I guess I can wait until tomorrow.

.

Bones got a Rolex from her publisher. A Rolex, can you imagine? I don't really mind how much money she has, because she doesn't act that way. I know she was one of the anonymous donors that gave money to Wendell so he could stay. However, I also know she won't mention it, that is why her money doesn't bother me.

Bones wants me to teach her about plumbing, so I am going to have her come over after the case is ended, and teach her.

Bones bought me a book today, and then told me I had to pay her back. Maybe I was wrong about that money thing.

She came over tonight to help me fix my plumbing. It was difficult for me to be under that sink with her so close to me. I could smell her hair, and the slight scent of perfume, for a moment it was overwhelming.

When her hand touched mine, I felt a shock go through my system. I tried to tell her again, but when I look at her, I can't think. I feel like I'm in high school again, and trying to ask the head cheerleader out on a date. She even gave me a way to start, by saying that she feels close to me, but I froze, and didn't talk about the possibility of us.

The pipe we fixed worked great, but just after I turned on the water, another pipe started spraying water all over us. She went home to change, and I am going to try to tackle the other pipe tomorrow, alone. I don't think I could spend another night under the sink with Bones.

.

Bones didn't have sex until she was 22, I couldn't believe it. The only thing is the way she described it made it sound like she was taking a class, instead of making love. I think the first time should be with someone you love. I wonder if she has ever experienced that? I would like to show her some day.

Every day I learn something new about Bones. Today she held this young girl's hand while she cried over her boyfriend. I know some people think she is cold, but I see the real Bones that she hides from everyone else, and I know how kind and thoughtful she is.

.

Rebecca needed someone to watch Parker today, and I had to bring him to work with me. He started this whole conversation about me getting a girlfriend with every female in the lab. Sweets told me that Parker is learning to identify with his gender parent. Me. He's looking at me to see his sexual future, and I should show him that I lead a full and rewarding life, so I asked Bones to be my village and help me in raising Parker.

I also had an ulterior motive, in that I wanted to spend some time with her outside of the work setting. This was the perfect opportunity. It was like a date without really being a date. Just as I suspected we had an awesome time. She is so scared of commitment, that I wonder what she would do if I approached her about going out on a date with me?

During dinner, Parker asks Bones to be my girlfriend. She hesitated a second before saying that it would be inappropriate because we work together. Parker said that was a stupid reason, I think I agree with him, why did I ever draw that line?

Well it all turns out that his friend's dad got married and they bought a house with a pool, so Parker thinks, if I get a girlfriend then we will get a pool too. Bones solved the problem by giving me a key to her pool that Parker and I can use it anytime we want.

.

Bones is dating my boss, Assistant Director Hacker. I asked her not to, because I thought it was a little weird, but she didn't listen, as usual. She said that she and Hacker are attracted to each other, and they will not be thinking of me when they are together. That statement hurt my feelings.

It was nice to spend time with her outside of work last week, and we told Parker we would do it again sometime in the future.

Hacker came to see me today, and asked me about Bones. I think he really likes her, and it really bothers me. I still haven't sorted out my feelings for her yet. I don't know if my feelings are a result of my surgery, or really true, and until I sort that out, I can't let myself become too attached to her.

As he was leaving the office, he mentioned my mother's meatloaf, and how I should eat the egg in the middle.

I was infuriated; how dare Bones tell, him that story. I told her that, when we were alone in my apartment, and it was meant to be only between us. What's ours is ours. She should know that. I need to talk to her. I hope she understands.

Bones invited me to be her guest at the Anok exhibit tomorrow. I can't believe it. She was supposed to bring Hacker, but changed her mind and invited me instead.

Wow, what a night! Bones looked gorgeous, and she took me down to a preview of the exhibit. We were talking about what a great find it was, and how she changed history.

She told me that she hates these things, and as I moved closer to her to explain how good she was at it, and how she changed history, I felt that overwhelming feeling again. I stepped closer, and the air between us seemed to take on an electric charge. I couldn't stop myself from drawing closer to her. Her eyes had me mesmerized, and as I drew closer, I felt myself leaning in to kiss her. I wanted to pull her in and never let her go.

Angela came into the room, to tell us the Ambassador is about to speak, and the moment was gone.

She reached up to straighten my tie, and I pushed her hair back, as we turned to walk back to the ceremony.

That moment stayed on my mind the rest of the evening, and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I watched her constantly, and by at the end of the evening, I was sure that she wanted this as much as I did.

I had a difficult time falling asleep last night.

.

I don't know what is happening to me. I can't do my job right, I can't tell Bones how I feel, and I can't tell when someone is lying to me. I should just give up. My brain has been a mess from the moment I woke from that coma.

Bones had to tell me that a suspect was lying today. What am I going to do? Maybe I should just give up.

We went out for drinks after solving the case, and I told her I'm losing it. When I woke up this morning, I didn't know if I liked brown sugar on my oatmeal.

Bones told me the next time I don't know something call her, but should I depend on her to save me? I am the man; I need to take care of her, not the other way around. She also told me to ask Sweets if I need help with a suspect, but that's my job. I can't even trust my gut anymore.

One thing I did notice today, was that Wendell is starting a relationship with Angela. Bones told me she didn't want to know about it.

.

I went to see Gordon Gordon today. I can't hit the broad side of a barn with my gun anymore, and I was hoping he could give me some advice. He hung around with us, for the whole week, and I still can't shoot any better. Why can't he just give me a pill or something?

I got frustrated with him and said, "They took out a brain tumor the size of a melon ball out of my head; I can't shoot straight; I can't tell if people are lying; I have to get dummy books just to do things. I'm at a complete loss with stuff."

He told me, "But not as a result of brain damage. When you were in a coma, you got a glimpse of another world."

"Right and how does that help me aim my gun?"

"Temperance Brennan. You're in love with her. You're building a world around her, a family."

He doesn't understand, "We're not compatible. She sees the world one way; I see it the other way."

"No of course, it's absolutely ludicrous the idea of you together, but the heart chooses what it chooses, doesn't it? We don't really have any say in the matter."

"She doesn't love me. I would know if she loved me."

"May I counsel patience on this front? Hope and patience."

"Right so, about my marksmanship certification – any advice?"

"Grow a set! Be a man, step up! She's your partner, for heaven's sake. The job you do together is highly dangerous; she counts on you for protection. So you'd damn well better protect her!"

"So that's your big psychiatric advice, just "grow a set"?"

"Indeed. When it comes to a man and his gun, a woman is the natural cure. Take Dr Brennan to this um, this shooting event of yours. You won't fail in front of her, trust me."

When I asked her, she said yes, she would. Strangely enough, she didn't even ask why.

I shot perfectly while she watched. Gordon Gordon was right, I love her, and I will never fail her. Never. That's why I know I have to wait to tell her. Gordon Gordon is right, I need hope and patience.

.

My Pops came to stay with me, but it didn't work out, so he had to go back to the retirement community. I love my Pops; he raised me after my father left.

He really likes Bones; he invited her to dinner every night, and kept saying things about us being together. He asked if I was gay, and he said he didn't raise me well, if I don't realize what I have in her.

Little does he know, I realize it, I just don't know what to do. I know she is afraid of strong feelings like love, and I'm afraid to scare her away. I'm afraid she will see my advances as a kind of assault, and I don't want to lose her, so I just leave things the way that they are. Like I told Avalon, sometimes you have to settle for second best, and right now, I have the second best scenario. If I approach her and she rejects me, I may lose her forever.

I don't know what I would do if I lost her, if I never saw her again. How would I handle not looking at those beautiful blue eyes, calling her on the phone for silly reasons, except to hear her voice, showing up at her door late at night with food, just so I can be close to her? If I approach her, and she rejects me, I will lose all that. I will lose everything.

Pops told me to follow my heart. He knows how I feel about her, and he wants me to be happy. I really do love him, but I can't do it yet, I know she isn't ready. Just a little more time.

.

Bones undressed me today, and I thought I was going to die. Why did it have to be her? It took everything I could do not to show her how I felt. My body was reacting to her closeness. I could smell her hair as she leaned over me to remove my tie. I started to recite the saints, so she wouldn't see my reaction to her, but when she knelt down onto the floor in front of me as she removed my pants, I almost lost it. I am so glad Cam walked into the room right then. The distraction was all I needed to get myself under control.

Bones never fails to impress me. The victim's mother is burying him on Christmas, alone, and Bones wants to go to the funeral. She was in tears as she told me. I can't believe what an incredible, loving woman she is.

We all had Christmas dinner together, at Bones' place. It was a great time with family and friends, and as I peeked at Bones, I realized that someday I would like to make this arrangement permanent.

.

This week we went to New Mexico to check out an alien death, no alien, but lots of strange people. Before we left, I drove Bones out to the desert to watch the stars. I always enjoyed the night sky, and thought it could be very romantic.

It didn't get romantic, but we did have a great time talking under the stars. I told Bones that aliens are nice anthropologists, but she wasn't allowed to probe me. We stayed there for a while, just talking and laughing. I had a real good time.

.

I think Bones may love me. I saw something in her eyes last night. The General Services Administration, seconded the lab and all the squints inside. I couldn't let them hold my people like that. I had to do something, so I shot out the front door, and walked inside.

Well they thought the case they were working on was JFK, and I found out there were two shooters, and the government covered it up. If they could cover something like that up, and lie to the whole world, what did they cover up while I worked as a sniper? Did I kill any innocent people? Did they create a false persona to lead me to think the person I was sent to kill was guilty, when they were really innocent? Did I commit murder instead of creating a safer place for us all to live? What type of man am I? How would I ever forgive myself for all those deaths?

All these questions and more tore at me, but Bones thought of one more experiment that she could try on the bones, to see if they really were JFK's. The experiment proved they weren't. I was so relieved that I pulled her into my arms. Wow that felt good. I love holding her near. As I pulled away I saw a look in her eyes, it was a look that I have wanted to see, for a long time. It was the look of affection, and I hope it was the look of love.


	10. The Change in the Partner

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**This post is only half of the season, because it was getting too long so I decided to do half the season this week, and half next week. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Change in the Partner

September

17th Angela picked me up at the airport, and made me come with her to meet a psychic friend of hers. She turned over a series of cards, and told me this tale about Booth and his coma dream. I went to Guatemala to get away from all this; I don't need to hear it on the day I get back. I left Angela and her crazy psychic friend, and went to the lab.

Everyone seemed glad to see me, and when I entered my office, I sat on Booth; sleeping on my couch. He jumped up and pulled me into the best hug I think I have ever gotten. I was hoping that while I was gone I could have sorted out the feelings that I have, but the minute he held me, they all came back. Six weeks away, and I still couldn't compartmentalize him.

We barely started talking, and Angela comes in with a story that the psychic told her; there are bodies under the Taversham fountain. Before leaving the office, she mentioned the pregnancy.

I avoided looking at him, because I was afraid he would know. He would know, how I wrote that story, wishing and hoping it could be true. He would know, that every day I fight both my feelings and the overwhelming desire to touch him. He would know how desperately I want to be with him every day.

He decides we should check out the fountain, the moment is over, and we are back to our regular crime fighting selves. Angela's tale turns out to be true, and Booth and I are back at work.

He's different. He didn't wear his belt buckle, his tie, or his socks, and when he climbs stairs, he leads with his right foot rather than his left. He holds his phone to a different ear, and his coffee in his left hand.

He seems like the same Booth, but there are subtle changes. He also has this strange way of looking at me when he thinks I'm not watching him. It is almost a melancholy look. I wonder if he still remembers our life together in the dream?

19th Booth showed up at the site, and it seemed like he wanted to tell me something, but he just took a piece of evidence, and left. He didn't even eat breakfast with me.

During the investigation, Hodgins discovered that the victim had been poisoned, so I went to talk to the doctor that was in charge of the original victims.

As I walked into the back room, I found out that he was shredding files from the victims. He caught me and attacked me with a scalpel. During the struggle, it became embedded in my arm. Booth breaks down the door, shoots him, then runs to me, and pulls me into his arms.

The doctor hit an artery, and the blood is spurting out of my arm. Booth clamps his hand over the injury, and holds me. That wasn't the strange part, what happened next was. Booth kissed the top of my head, and called me baby, while he held me in his arms, until the ambulance came. I wonder what he was thinking? I wonder if the idea of us being together passed through his mind? I wonder if he loves me, and if I love him too?

After we left the hospital, Booth had to go back to the FBI, to write a report about the shooting, so he dropped me off at home. After he left, I went to see Avalon.

As I entered her apartment, she was again reading the cards. She told me things about my life, and then said, "The world scares you, so you wrap it up neatly in bonds of reason, education, and proof. All riddles are solvable to you except for one. The riddle you can't solve is how somebody could love you."

I told her, "Well, I'm beautiful and very intelligent." However, I was thinking, about whether he loves me, and can accept me the way I am.

Then she said, "The answer to the question that you're afraid to say out loud is, yes, he knows the truth of you, yet he is dazzled by that truth."

I left her house more confused than I was when I entered. Later that evening, Booth and I are walking down the street near the Diner, and he seemed concerned about something.

He tells me, "I just, I have something that I want to say to you from inside my heart."

I told him there is blood in his heart. I don't know what he wants, and I don't know if I want to hear it.

As we are walking down the street, a clown sprays water in his face with a fake flower. I was terrified that he was going to shoot the clown, but he squeezes the nose and laughs. Where the hell did that come from? He has hated clowns from the day I met him. The old Booth would never do that.

The new Booth seems different; sad sometimes, and I wonder what he is thinking.

I remind him that he hates clowns, and he remembers the time he shot an ice cream truck.

I asked him what he wanted to tell me.

He gets very serious and says, "I love you."

I was shocked, then scared, then confused, all in the span of three seconds.

His face takes on this confused look, and he says," In a professional you know atta-girl kinda way.", and hits me on the arm.

Now I am more confused than I was before, but I told him, "Right back at ya Booth. I love you too! Atta-boy.", and punch him on the arm. I don't think I will ever understand emotions, and to make it worse, the night gets even stranger.

We catch the murderer, not for murder, but for something else, and Avalon is at the station when we bring him in.

After I apologize for not being able to get him for murder, she says, "Sometimes you gotta just settle for the second best situation."

The rest of the conversation is so confusing that I am going to just write it down. Maybe I will understand it later, after I get some sleep.

Avalon said, "You two are going to keep doing things as usual."

And Booth replies," Sometimes you gotta settle for second best." They both look at me.

She says, "By the way, my cards tell me this all works out eventually." Then she walks away.

He replies, "Oh, really?"

So, I ask him, what works out? However, he doesn't answer me. He just stares at me with this slight smile on his face and walks away. What?

24th When I arrived at work today, I discovered that Wendell lost his scholarship, and he would have to leave the Jeffersonian. Everyone just expected me to give him the money, but I give to many different charities, so what do they expect me to do? Stop one of those, and support Wendell?

Booth needs to fix his plumbing, but because of his coma, he has forgotten how to do it. I asked him if I could loan him the 800 dollars, but he said no he wants to do it himself. Why anybody would want to fix his own plumbing is beyond me.

He was looking for this book called, 'Plumbing for Dummies', and couldn't find it, so I called all the used book stores and found one for him. I went to Arlington to this little bookstore and picked it up tonight. I can't wait to give it to him tomorrow.

Sweets told me that it would help Booth if I let him teach me about plumbing. I don't care about plumbing, but I will ask, if it will help Booth. I will do anything for him.

My publisher gave me a Rolex today, and Booth had a fit. He said money doesn't matter in life, so I asked him if his life would be different if he was wealthy, and he said, "Sure. But, better? I mean, yeah. I wouldn't have to fly coach, but what life throws us, that makes us who we are, right? I mean, fighting through stuff and the good things; they are not any sweeter if you're rich. Parker, okay? He gives me a hug because it's my weekend and me and you; when we solve a case, it's not about money, right?"

After I thought about it, I realized he was right. It didn't really matter about the money, but I still will never have to fly coach.

26th I went to Booth's apartment to learn how to fix the plumbing. There's a beautiful logic to plumbing that I never realized before. It's like reconstructing the circulatory system. The water is the blood. The pipes are the veins. Very logical.

While we were fixing the pipes we were very close to each other, I mean physically, and I again felt that strange feeling. That feeling that I don't understand. Could I be falling in love with Booth? At one point, his hand touched mine, and I again felt strange.

Booth told me that he was glad that, we don't have any secrets between each other, so I told him that I feel close to him. He just stopped talking, and stared at me, and then he just changes the subject back to plumbing.

Well I guess we weren't very good at fixing the pipe, because he turned on the water, and it spurted out all over me. I even got my watch all wet. I went home to change, and he said he was going to try again tomorrow. I hope he gets it done.

October

1st I found out today that Booth had sex for the first time when he was only 16! I should have known, because Angela said once that he was one of those boys. I think she meant, because he was a jock in high school. I remember the jocks were always fooling around with the girls behind the bleachers.

Another thing he said, was that you should be in love with the other person, I wonder if that makes a difference? Booth seems to think it does.

The unusual thing is he said was that, Michelle shouldn't have sex until she was 22. That is such a double standard.

8th Booth asked me to be his village, and help with Parker today, so we are going to go out to dinner together, and have fun with Parker. This way he will think Booth leads a full and rewarding life.

10th I went to the Diner with Parker and Booth tonight, and he again continued the conversation about his father getting a girlfriend. I told Booth to trust me to handle it, and when I asked Parker why his dad needs a girlfriend, he said so he can get a pool. I gave them the key to the pool in my building, and told them they can use it anytime they want.

15th Today I worked with a real mummy. It was Anok, on loan from Egypt, and I felt like I was a real anthropologist again. I miss my real calling, and I hope to return someday, but for now, I guess I enjoy working with Booth, because I know I would not have him, if I went back to research.

I also started dating Andrew, although Booth was very irritated at the idea. He said it was weird for me to date his boss, but he dated Cam and she was my boss, so he should understand.

Booth told me that the reason he is upset, is that he doesn't want me talking about him to Andrew. I told him that Andrew and I would not be thinking of him when we are out together.

17th Angela was upset, because I am dating Andrew. She said that the reason Booth is upset, is because he wants to date me, and when I told her that there is the potential for sex with Andrew, she said why not with Booth? I didn't answer her. I didn't know what to say. That kiss in the rain came back to me, and I remember how I felt. I don't think I am ready to feel that again.

Besides, if Booth wants to date me, why doesn't he ask me? For a while, I thought Booth wanted to start a relationship with me, but now it seems like he is withdrawing from me. I don't understand him at all. Furthermore, we agreed that we couldn't have a relationship, if we work together, so I can't date him, because I will never give up my working relationship with Booth.

19th Booth came to see me today. He walked into my office and placed an egg on my desk, at first, I was confused, but then I realized that when I told Andrew about the egg, I told a story about Booth. I never realized how much of my life is entangled with Booth's, and many times my stories include him.

He told me that what goes on between us, is ours. I think I understand now.

22nd I invited Booth to be my guest at the opening of the Anok exhibit. He was amazed at the find, when I brought him down for a preview.

He told me that I changed history, and not many people can say that, but he changes history every day. He asked me why I didn't bring Andrew, and I told him it was because what happens between us is ours, and this case was ours.

As he spoke, he drew closer and closer to me. The look in his eyes was so intense; I could feel my heartbeat start to increase. I wondered if he could feel the electricity between us. I couldn't turn my eyes away from him as I felt myself drawn toward him, and I didn't want to stop it. Just as I thought he was going to kiss me, Angela burst into the room, and stopped it. Damn! She told us the Ambassador is about to speak.

The moment was ruined, as we both realized what was about to happen. I reached up and adjusted his tie; I had to touch him. I had to find some way to release the pent up energy. He pushed my hair behind my shoulder, and we left to join the others. He again seemed melancholy.

I don't know what would have happened, if Angela didn't come in, but I do know that I wanted it. It took a long time for me to calm myself down, and force my breathing to return to normal. What is happening to me? What is happening between us?

I am terrified of the feelings that I have for him. I have never been able to have a successful relationship with anyone, and I don't want to hurt him. I know if I let myself love him, I will hurt him in the end. I always hurt the men I am with. I have never been able to form any type of permanent bond with another person. Never.

November

5th Angela and I had a fight, and when I asked Booth for advice, he said no. He told me he would kill for me and he would die for me, but he will not get between two best friends. As I was leaving the Diner, he took my hand, held it, and told me everything was going to be ok. He said we were like sisters and he knew we would work it out. I was barely able to concentrate because his touch was so distracting.

9th Booth discovered another side effect of his tumor today, a suspect fooled him into thinking that the death was an accident and not murder. I had to correct Booth in the interrogation room.

That evening, when we went out for drinks, he was clearly upset about the incident.

He said, "You know he fooled me, he fooled me. I actually believed he was trying to save the victim. Bones, I can tell, when people are lying, or I could tell, before. I'm losing it. I'm- I'm not up to speed here. I woke up this morning, and I realized I didn't even know if I like brown sugar on my oatmeal."

I told him that I know he likes brown sugar on everything, he should have called me, and if he needs help with interrogations, he can call Sweets. I would always help him; all he needs to do is ask.

11th Booth is grumpy today, he needs to recertify and he can't shoot straight. I told him he just needs to practice more. I am going to try to cheer him up, maybe, if I tell him a joke, or try to be less scientific. I'm not sure what I should do, but I do know I want to do something. He seems so sad lately, I wonder what he is thinking?

13th Gordon Gordon was involved in the case today. Booth went to him for advice about his inability to shoot straight. I told him that I'm trying to help Booth, because I can be objective about his brain and he can't. I can't think of anything I wouldn't do to help him. I think he can see my feelings for Booth. Maybe I said too much.

15th Booth asked me to go with him for his marksmanship testing today. He passed with flying colors; I knew he would.

19th I met Booth's grandfather today; he's going to move in with him. Booth calls him Pops; I like him. It's funny but he calls Booth, Shrimp. Angela said it was a nickname, and when I asked her why people use nicknames, she said it makes him feel loved, like a sign of affection. Booth really loves him; I can see it in his eyes. It reminds me of the way he looks at me sometimes. Does that mean Booth loves me?

The only nickname I ever had was from Booth. I remember when he first used it, I hated it, but now I think I like it, but only when he, calls me Bones. I don't want anybody else to use it.

20th We had lunch with Hank today, and Booth was called away, so I finished lunch and brought Hank home. He told me a story about Booth's childhood, and made me promise to tell Booth one day. He told me that Booth may need to be held after hearing the story, and he made me promise to hold him. The only thing is once I hold him; I may not let him go.

I'm still scared of my feelings. This is different from Sully. When I dated Sully, I felt very strong feelings for him, but they were never this strong. I let Sully go partly because I was afraid, and partly because of Booth, but I don't want to run from Booth.

I want to be with him, except I have never had a successful relationship that lasted more than a few months. Relationships mean pain and hurt, and I never want to hurt Booth.

24th Hank doesn't understand why we aren't together. I think he sees something in the way we interact. Maybe I don't cover my feelings as well as I think I do.

Hank went back to the retirement community today. He talked to me alone before he left. He said, "It all goes by so fast. You don't want any regrets."

I told him I didn't understand, but he said I did. He's the only one who called me on that. I understand. I understand that he wants me to accept Booth's love. He knows I'm scared. How does he know?

As we left the place, Booth told me he likes my necklace. I was sure he saw it before, but he said no. it felt good to hear that.

December

19th I undressed Booth today. He had particulates on him from a bomber dressed as Santa, and I had to remove his clothes for evidence. It was an enjoyable experience. As I removed his shirt, I wanted to run my hands over his acromion. It is so perfect. As I sit here writing, I can visualize him sitting in front of me, and I wonder what it would have felt like to run my hands over his shoulders. Then kiss my way down his back. Sorry, I got to stop this train of thought.

My dad wants me to stay home for Christmas this year. He told me that if you're alone at Christmas, it means nobody loves you, so I guess I will stay home. Maybe I will invite Booth for dinner. I would enjoy spending time with him.

22nd Dad introduced me to my cousin, Margret, but all she does is quote Benjamin Franklin. I don't really like her, so I may still go.

Booth is coming, so I guess I will stay home. I enjoy spending time with him.

25th Everyone from the Jeffersonian came over for dinner. It was nice to have family and friends around again. It reminded me of Christmas when I was a child. Booth gave the toast, and as he prayed, I watched him, realizing that I do have very strong feelings for him, but I don't think I would ever act on them.

January

14th Our case took us to Roswell, New Mexico, today, and it was quite enjoyable to be with Booth away from the lab.

After the case was solved, Booth took me out into the desert to watch the stars. We lay on top of the car and just talked. I never realized how content I am in Booth's company, away from everyone else. It was fun to just talk and joke with him.

22nd Mr. White from the General Services Administration seconded us in the lab last night. They waited for Booth to leave, and then locked down the lab with us inside. Booth became very upset, and decided to join us, so he shot the glass out of the door, and walked into the lab. It was pretty awesome to see.

During our investigation, we discovered that the skeleton may be JFK, and that he was killed by two gunmen not one. Upon hearing this information, Booth became very upset. Cam later told me it was because he killed so many people during his time in the Rangers. If the integrity of our government is in question, then Booth may have killed innocent people while he was a sniper.

It really bothered me that he was so upset, so I decided to perform one more experiment to see if I could prove it wasn't JFK. The experiment worked, and when Booth found out that it wasn't JFK, he pulled me into his arms and held me. I again felt that wonderful feeling that only he can elicit from me, and as he let go, and looked into my eyes, I knew his feelings for me were more than friendship. I saw it in his eyes. There is something there between us, and I don't think I want to find out what it is.


	11. The Consequences of the Confession

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. Sorry I'm late, but yesterday was my birthday, and I never got a chance to post. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Consequences of the Confession

Jared showed up at the door of my office today, with the announcement that he wants to get married. I was shocked to say the least. Her name is Padme, and he has only known her a month. Bones got mad at me when I told her I ran a background check on her, and found out she was an escort. I told Bones I didn't think Jared should marry her because she has a past, and she said, "You told me that my father's criminal past didn't matter, that the love between us was real and that was all that mattered. Because I believed you, my father and I have a relationship today."

I hate to admit it, but she's right, and I should give her a chance. When the case was over we met for drinks, and I apologized to Jared. He asked me to be best man at the wedding, and I accepted. Bones decided to give a toast.

"When Booth and I first met, I didn't believe that such a thing as love existed. I maintained that it was simply brain chemistry. But, perhaps Booth is correct; perhaps love comes first, and then creates the reaction. I have no tangible proof, but...I'm willing to accept Booth's premise."

I was shocked. Does she believe in love now, and could there be hope for us? She never fails to surprise me.

.

Today we had a murder at a church, and I was worried about bringing Bones with me. Her ideas and opinions on religion really bother me, and I don't like her criticizing God.

Some cases are more difficult than others are; this was one of those. The mother of the man, who was murdered, was a kind and thoughtful woman. She only saw the good in her children, but the other son murdered his brother, and that hurt her badly.

Bones and I went to the diner after the case, and I could tell by the look on her face that she was again questioning my religion. She wanted to ask me why I still believe in God after this case.

I explained that I will question my faith, but I will get it back, because tomorrow is a new day. Her response was similar to mine, except it referred to cause and effect. She said, "Two plus two equals four. I put sugar in my coffee and it tastes sweet. The sun comes up because the world turns. These things are beautiful to me. There are mysteries I will never understand, but everywhere I look, I see proof that for every effect there is a corresponding cause. Even if I can't see it. I find that reassuring."

I found out that Angela helps Bones write the romantic parts of her books today. There's this new part on page 187 in her book, which I would really like to try, preferably with Bones. I really would love to watch her reaction.

After our last case, I stopped by Bones' place on my way home, and she told me this story from Plato, that says that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs and two faces. Zeus was threatened by their power, and split them all in half; condemning us all to spend our lives, trying to complete ourselves.

I know that's not true, but I think if it were, Bones would be my other half.

.

.

We have a meeting to talk to Sweets about his book today. I met Bones, and we drove there together. She said she noticed a mistake in the book and I thought it was about the whole love idea, but she reminded me of that first case. The first time I saw her, the first time I kissed her. Once she mentioned that case all those memories came flooding back.

Memories that I wanted to keep hidden, because they reminded me of what I wanted in life. Her.

We told Sweets about that first case and he was upset, because he realized his book was crap, so he looked at me and told me, since I'm the gambler, I should make the first move, and break this stalemate that we were in.

As we left Sweets office, I realized that he was right. I needed to step up and tell her how I felt. I loved her, and I needed to tell her that. I needed to ask her to give us a try.

I told her, "I'm the gambler. I believe in giving this a chance. Look, I wanna give this a shot."

She had this look of panic on her face.

"You mean us? No. The FBI won't let us work together as a couple-"

"Don't do that. That is no reason why we can't...", and I kissed her. At first, she responded, and I had hope. Then within seconds, she pushed me away, and said, no.

She said no.

I waited so long to tell her, and she said no.

I thought she was ready, I thought she would at least try, but she said no.

I told her I had to move on hoping that she would understand and maybe change her mind, but she said, "I know."

She just said, "I know."

Just like that, she was done with it. How could I have been so wrong? How could I not have known? What am I going to do now? I still love her, but now, I know I can't have her.

The worst part was that she wants to continue to work with me. How can I look at her every day, and know she doesn't want me. What am I supposed to do?

I told her yes, because when I looked at her face, I couldn't refuse her.

I still don't understand what happened. Maybe she wasn't ready. Gordon Gordon told me to have patience, but how long should I wait? I've waited years, five years, since that night in the rain. When I kissed her that night, I knew she was the one. I knew she was my soul mate, and I knew that no one else would ever make me feel the way I did that night. I knew that no one else would fill this empty void in my heart, and now, it's over.

As I sit here, alone in my apartment, I feel so empty, as if someone destroyed the only hope I had in this world. I feel lost, and so alone, and I wonder how I will survive without her.

.

.

We went undercover at Bones high school reunion today. She asked me to dance with her, to Seal, "Touched by a Rose." It was bittersweet holding her in my arms. I love her so much, but knowing she doesn't want me, hurts. While holding her, her scent invaded my senses, and I found it hard to let her go. I don't know how I am going to survive this. At least before, I always had hope she would be mine, now that hope is gone, and I'm all alone, because I don't think anyone will ever fill this empty place in my heart.

.

Bones went out with Hacker tonight. I really wish she wouldn't date him. Actually, I wish she wouldn't date anyone. Except, of course me. After our dates, we met for drinks, and I found it difficult to talk to her about her date. I don't understand why she wants Hacker instead of me. What does he have that I don't?

.

Catherine gave me a tie, and Bones said it meant that we entered into a social contract. I don't agree; it was only a tie. I've only seen her twice, and I can't seem to connect to her.

I don't feel the same way about her that I do about Bones. I guess I shouldn't compare every woman to Bones, but I can't help it. She is the standard that I measure everyone against. I don't think I will ever find someone like Bones. Maybe I will never be happy.

While we were investigating for a case, we heard our song being played, so we took the stage and sang "Hot Blooded". We were great, and it was so much fun. Why doesn't Bones see how good we can be together?

She did tell me that our partnership was important. When I looked at her, I again saw that look in her eyes. The last time I saw it I thought it meant she cared for me, but since she said no, I guess I was wrong. But, then again, what did it mean?

.

.

This case was about witches, and they gave me these little Bones dolls. They told me to burn them as I make a wish for her. Tonight I wished that she could find happiness. I have a lot more, and I think I'm going to burn them every night, always for her happiness. I just wish that that happiness could be with me.

.

I'm worried about Bones. She hasn't been eating much since they threw out the evidence from Taffet's storage locker. She seems so strong, but I know she must be worried. I know I am. She said something today about losing her advantage because she has too many people in her life. She said, "Too many relationships complicate rational thought." What the hell does that mean?

She told me that she has nightmares, and I pulled her into my arms and held her. It felt so good to hold her close. I was again assaulted by her scent, wow; she does amazing things to my head. I really do love her, and I wish she would let herself love me. I know we would be great together.

Bones seems off somehow. I don't know what's wrong, but something is bothering her. I think whatever it is; it is going to affect everyone she knows. She seems sad and disconnected somehow. She said she's tired of dealing with murders and victims and sadness and pain.

I tried to talk to her, but I don't think she was listening. I asked her if she needed some time. Like maybe going to the beach and lying in the sun, but she said she may need more than time. I told her to wait a few days, and not to make any decisions right now, but she pulled away from me and hailed a cab.

She got into the cab, and as she looked out the back window at me, I remembered the last time I saw her like that was when she left me standing in the rain, after that amazing kiss, and by the end of the week, I lost her for a year. It feels like we're going backward instead of forward.

.

Something's going on with Bones, she seems distracted, and off somehow. I wonder if it's because we haven't been spending as much time together? I just need some distance from her. I love her so much, and it hurts to have her come over, and know she will never be mine.

A full bird colonel contacted me today and asked me to go back to the army. They want me to train soldiers in techniques for tracking and apprehending insurgents.

The army called Rebecca's house today, and Parker asked me if I was going. Why did they have to pull my son into this? When Parker asked me, I didn't know how to respond. He said, "Here you catch people that kill other people. There you would make it so people won't die. Isn't that better?" how do you answer a question like that?

I don't want to go. I don't want to kill any more people. I just need someone to ask me to stay, but everyone keeps pushing me away.

Bones met me at the coffee cart to talk to me about something. She said that she was asked to head up the Maluku project, and that she wants to go. I knew she was asked, because Sweets told me, but it still hurt to hear it. I couldn't look at her because I didn't want her to see my face. I felt so empty inside, and I had to fight to hold back the tears.

She asked me to look at her, so I had to hold back my feelings and look in her eyes. I could see something in her eyes, but I'm not sure what. I think she's running away again. She said we could meet back here in a year and pick up where we left off. However, I told her things change, and so will we.

Caroline is upset with me. She told me that we are running from each other. How can she know so much about us, when we don't really spend that much time together?

I had to sneak off base to say goodbye to Bones' plane today. Why is she running away from me again? What is it about me that she doesn't want?

I stepped closer toward her, hoping she would come toward me too. I wanted to kiss her goodbye, but she didn't come toward me, and she avoided my eyes. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her not to go. To stay here with me, but I took her hand instead, and told her to be careful. She told me not to be a hero, not to be me, but I don't think I could change who I am.

We agreed to meet in a year, at the coffee cart, and I walked away. I turned around once and looked at her walking away. She stopped, and turned to look at me. I felt like I was losing a part of myself. I felt empty and alone. I turned around and kept walking.


	12. The Choice in the Escape

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Mondays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. Sorry I'm late, but yesterday was my birthday, and I never got a chance to post. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Choice in the Escape

January

28th Booth's brother came back from India with a woman named Padme. He told Booth he wanted to marry her. Booth seemed upset by the idea, because he felt that they didn't know each other long enough, but Booth has always believed in love at first sight, so why wouldn't that hold true for Jared?

March

25th This was a difficult case, not because it was hard to solve, but because the family was affected by the outcome. The son had schizophrenia, and it affected the family dynamic. I felt bad for the mother, because one of her children was schizophrenic, and the other murdered his brother.

I was confused with how Booth could believe in a kind God after a case like this.

When the case was over, we went to the diner to talk, and he tried to explain his beliefs to me.

He told me that he will question everything, but he will get his faith back. When I asked him why, he said, "Because, Bones, it's…the sun will come up, and tomorrow's a new day."

I understood exactly what he was trying to tell me, because my faith in cause and effect is challenged daily, but I know that for every effect there is a corresponding cause. Even if I can't see it. I find that reassuring.

April

1st Booth came by after our case today. I told him the story of how Plato split us in half so we would have to look for our other half for all eternity. I think Booth may be my other half.

7th Sweets finally finished his book, and he asked Booth and me to proofread it. I found a major error in it, and I thought he should know, so Booth and I went to his office to tell him today.

I never should have gone. I should have left it alone, but I always have to have the facts right, and I knew he needed to know. I just never realized what would happen if we talked about that night. Since it happened, we had avoided any discussion of that night.

That fated night, in the rain on the steps of that bar. The night I started running from Booth, and the way he makes me feel. The night I lost my ability to compartmentalize. The night my walls started to crumble. That fated night that changed my life forever.

Let me start at the beginning. Sweets didn't know we worked that first case, so I had to tell him. He had a right to know the truth. However, reliving those memories, that I thought I hid deep down inside, was painful. I thought they were gone, I thought they would never surface again, but I was wrong.

While we told Sweets about that first case, I remembered that kiss, and the feelings that I experienced that night. I remembered why I started running from him, and I wondered how I came to this place in my life, where I was sitting next to the man I loved, and thinking about a future. A future that included him, because I realized that I loved him. I can try to deny it all I want. I can call it anything I want, but I know it is love.

I never was good at relationships, and I knew I would hurt him in the end. I knew it would never work, so while we talked, and he looked at me with those trusting eyes, I tried to think about how I was going to fix this mess that I had gotten myself into.

I didn't want to lose him, so I knew I couldn't date him. Dating in the workplace never works out, and when it fell apart, which I inevitably knew it would, I would never be able to work with him again. I couldn't handle that, so I tried to think of a way out.

The whole time we talked, I tried to find an alternate plan, because I knew Booth wouldn't put it off any longer. I knew he loved me, and he wanted something more. Something more than I could give him. The conversation ended too soon, and I still didn't have an alternate plan.

Sweets sat there and told him, because he's the gambler, he needs to make the first move. Booth looked at me and I knew it was over, I was terrified, as we walked outside the building, and down the steps.

At first, I thought maybe I read Booth wrong, because we started out joking about how Sweets is wrong, and psychology is a soft science. So I thought maybe…

Then he stopped. He stopped, right in front of the sign that read "Nothing happens unless first a dream..." - Carl Sandburg, and I knew I wouldn't escape this time.

He asked me to give us a chance.

I tried to tell him, that we wouldn't be able to work together, but he pulled toward me and kissed me. It was like a step back in time, I again felt overwhelmed by him. I again felt my walls falling down. I again felt the need to run.

I pushed him away.

"No. No."

"Why? Why?"

"You-you thought you were protecting me, but you're the one who needs protecting."

"Protecting from what?"

"From me! I- I don't have your kind of open heart."

"Just give it a chance...that's all I'm asking."

"No, you said it yourself; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome." I knew I failed at relationships, so why keep trying?

"Well, then let's go for a different outcome here, alright? Let's just - hear me out, all right? You know when you talk to older couples who, you know, have been in love for 30 or 40 or 50 years, all right, it's always the guy who says 'I knew.' I knew. Right from the beginning."

"Your evidence is anecdotal."

"I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy. I know."

"I- I am not a gambler; I'm a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how. I don't know how." The look on his face was devastating, but I knew when I failed at this relationship like all the others, it would be worse for him. Therefore, I knew I couldn't even start this.

"Please don't look so sad."

"Alright. Okay. You're right. You're right."

"Can we still work together?" he paused forever, and I thought he would say no. I waited, holding my breath.

"Yeah."

"Thank you."

"But I gotta move on. I gotta find someone who's - who's gonna to love me in 30 years or 40 or 50."

"I know."

We walked back to the garage and I came home. I have never felt this way before. I know I did the right thing, but it felt wrong. I am sorry, I hurt him, and I wonder if I should have said, yes.

I know I needed to protect him, but I also needed to protect myself. I think if we could just keep the status quo, then we will be ok. This way, I would keep him, because I knew that when I fail at this, I would lose him forever, and I know the possibilities will never outweigh the risk.

15th There was a murder in the same town where I grew up, and Booth suggested that we go undercover as a married couple so we can solve the murder. I never wanted to go to my reunion, but Booth said it would be better if I were an alumina. Mr. Buxley was still there, and it was nice to see him again. I asked Booth to dance with me, at first, he hesitated, but then he said ok. It was like the prom I never went to. Holding him in my arms made me realize, that I could have had this forever, if I had only said yes.

24st I had a strange conversation with Booth today. I told him I was meeting Hacker for coffee, and he told me he was going out with Catherine. I told him I thought they would be compatible, and pretty, but he told me that I'm the standard that he measures all women against. If that's true, maybe he hasn't moved on yet.

25th When Booth said he had to move on, I thought I understood, but now I'm confused. My brain tells me that he needs to find someone who can be with him forever, but my heart tells me no. I know how illogical that is, but lately I can't be logical when I'm around Booth.

He started dating Catherine this week, and when we met for drinks tonight, I was surprised by how difficult it was to talk to him about it. I tried to compartmentalize him, but it didn't work. I don't know if I can compartmentalize anymore. My life has become so difficult lately.

I want him to be happy, but I feel so empty, and confused. I know I can't give him what he wants, so I guess I just need to learn how to let him go.

28th Booth received a tie from Catherine today. I told him that means a social contract. I hope it doesn't mean anything more than that, but then I want Booth to be happy. I'm still so confused.

29th We sang to "Hot Blooded" today. We were at the fantasy camp, and the song started playing. Booth talked me into going on stage and singing. We were pretty good. I even played the guitar. I always have so much fun with Booth, maybe we do belong together.

30th I told him how important our partnership was today, I hope he understands.

May

8th This case involved witches, and when it was over we again got together at The Founding Fathers, for a drink. This is becoming a habit.

Booth had little dolls that he said the witches gave him. He said they represented me, and when he burned them in my presence, his wish for me would come true. He wished that I could find happiness love, laughter, friendship, purpose... and a dance. I thought that was very sweet. However, I don't think I will ever find happiness.

He said he had a lot of those dolls. I wonder why he needs so many.

13th I've been having nightmares ever since we arrested the Gravedigger. I usually wake up screaming Booth's name. They only occur once or twice a week, but I can't go back to sleep afterward. Her trial is this week, I hope once justice is served, they will stop.

Everyone is concerned about me, I don't know why they worry I can take care of myself.

14th I hope we can find some other type of evidence to convict Taffet, because she seems to misdirect our every move. She is very smart, and I find myself at a disadvantage. I just think...maybe I've lost my advantage because of all the people I've involved with now. All of the relationships, they complicate logical thought. Especially him. 

15th Booth came over tonight to tell me he was dropping his charges too, he said it was because we were partners. I told him about my nightmares. He pulled me into his arms and held me tight. It felt so good to have him hold me. I feel so safe when he's near. Why did I ever say no?

I feel like I need to get away for a while. I haven't gone on a dig in a long time, and I feel like I need to get my head back together, and find my life again, away from all this death. I can't understand what is going on, but I think I need to find a new perspective.

Different countries are always offering me anthropological digs; maybe I should start thinking about accepting one of their offers.

16th My dad is insane he tried to kill Taffet today. Booth arrested him, and he is keeping him in jail until the trial is over.

18th I tried to explain my feeling to Booth, but I don't think he understood. I'm just so tired of murders, victims, sadness, and pain. Somehow, I got caught up in Booth's world, and now I feel that I need something different. Something has to change.

19th We won the case against Taffet, but I don't feel the elation that I usually feel after a case. I have this sense that everything's changing, and I don't know what to do. This case reminded me that Booth could have died on that ship, if I was a couple of minutes later. Maybe next time I won't get there in time, and he will die.

He claims it won't happen, but I know he's wrong. No one can guarantee the outcome of our lives. The reality of the situation is that one day Booth will die, and I will lose him forever. Then what will I do?

Maybe I just need to get away from this situation for a while. Maybe I just need time.

20th A full set of interspecies hominid remains were found in the Maluku Islands. I would love to be in charge of the dig, but I don't know what to do about Booth. I really need time away from death and murder, and this may be just the way to do it. I am sending a list of equipment to the committee, so they will be properly prepared. 

21st I talked to Angela today. I tried to explain how I felt, but I don't think she understood me. Our case was about a man who was a hoarder, and I saw similarities in his life, to what I do here. The murders will never stop; there will always be one more case, always one more murder to solve. When does it ever stop? One murder just piles on top of another and the dead bodies just keep coming in.

I need to get away. I need a break from my life. I'm worried all the time. Worried that Booth might get hurt on a case, and I couldn't prevent it, worried... about what our partnership means. I just need some perspective so that I can view my life with some objectivity.

22nd They asked me to head up the Maluku project today. Maybe this is just what I need.

23rd I met Booth at the coffee cart today to talk to him about the possibility of going to Maluku, but he already knew. Sweets told him. I think he was distressed. He wouldn't look at me, and I know that means he's upset. I can't stay here anymore. I can't look at him, and not tell him I love him. I need perspective, so I can make the right choice. I need to do what's best for him, and I don't think that is me.

24th Caroline said something very strange today. She wants us to finish the case before we leave, she said, "Tight as a drum, that's what I want." I didn't have a problem with that but then she said, "And trust me, the way you two are running from each other, you'd better be damn sure of these little trips you're taking."

I know I'm running from him, but why is he running from me?

Cam is upset that I'm leaving too. She is going to the airport with Daisy and me to say goodbye.

25th My plane leaves in a half hour. I miss Booth already.

26th Booth came to the airport to say goodbye. He snuck off base to see me. He told me to be careful, but he's the one going to a war.

He stepped toward me and I thought he would try to kiss me again, so I avoided his look. I don't want my emotions to get in the way of my choice. Going to Maluku is the logical choice for me right now, and I don't want Booth to change my mind.

I told him not to be a hero, to not be himself, but I know that was an illogical request. Booth will always be Booth. I think that's why I love him, because he is the one person I could trust to always make the right decision. He could never be less than he is.

We agreed to meet in a year, by the coffee cart. One year, that's the time it takes the Earth to make a full revolution around the sun; and hopefully the time it will take me, to make a decision about Booth. Because when I return, I will either accept him, or compartmentalize him, but one way or the other, I will make a decision. A year, I have a year to chose.


	13. The Pain in the Decision

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**This was so hard to do. I am sorry I am late on posting. Next post will be on Thursday, next week. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Thursday. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Booth's point of view**

The Pain in the Decision

The most difficult decision I have ever had to make was walking away from her. As I left the airport, my heart broke. I went out the doors and walked for a while, I needed to take some time, before going back to the base. I still couldn't understand why she didn't want me. What did I do wrong?

I needed to move on, and maybe this was the best way. Being apart for a year would help me to heal, and stop the ache in my heart. I hailed a cab, and went back to the base. The driver tried to talk, but I didn't want to hear anything right now, I just wanted to get back to the base, so I could lose myself in another war. I would throw myself into my job, and push her from my mind.

The week passed quickly, and I again, found myself in a war zone. The war and I were old friends, and I quickly assimilated to the task of training the new generation of heroes. I wrote Bones once a week, but never received a response. Maybe she really did want me out of her life; maybe I was totally wrong about us.

.

Time passed, and I quickly found myself back on the front lines, apprehending insurgents. Although I knew it would happen, I was still surprised by how quickly I transitioned, from FBI agent to soldier. I hated the feel of the gun in my hands, but at the same time, it fit so well. I was good at what I did. Good at being a soldier. Good at making the impossible shot. Just not good at love.

After all I was the best, and what better way to train them, then to fight beside them. After the first month without a reply from Bones, I stopped writing weekly and switched to once a month, but I still didn't receive a reply. She never responded to my emails. I called a couple of times, but again I never got a reply.

.

Months passed, and I continued to fight, continued to defend my country, because that was what a good soldier did, he defended his country. He followed orders, and he never questioned authority.

After four months, I stopped writing to Bones. I figured that if she wanted to contact me, she would have written back by now. Time heals all wounds, and I found myself thinking of her less often. The pain in my heart started to heal, and I realized that I hadn't thought of her in a week. Soon it was two, and then three.

.

We were scoping out a restricted area just outside of Marja, when I heard gunfire. I looked into the town square and I saw a woman walking toward a cafe. She ducked and looked around for a place to hide. I saw the sniper hiding on the roof opposite from where I was stationed. It only took one shot, then he was out of commission, and she was safe.

I went to her side to see if she was hurt. She said she was fine, and thanked me for helping her. I arrested her for being in a restricted zone, but the charge didn't stick; there were too many other things to worry about.

Her name was Hannah, and after she was released, she asked me to go to dinner that night. She said it was in appreciation of her rescue. I accepted, after all, I was free, and Bones was not responding to my emails.

That evening I met her for dinner at a local restaurant, and afterward we walked around the gardens behind the restaurant. One thing led to another, and we had sex under a fig tree in the garden. After that, it was easy. She was a war correspondent stationed in the area, so I saw her every day.

Life with Hannah was easy; she made me feel wanted and for the first time, in a long time, I felt happy, besides the sex was great. I had been alone for so long, waiting for Bones, and I forgot how wonderful it felt to have someone that cared for me.

We spent as much time together as possible, and soon I realized that I was falling in love with her. Five months after entering the war zone, I met Hannah, and a month later, I fell in love. When Caroline called to tell me I had to come back, we had been together for almost two months.

.

After talking to Caroline, I realized that I wanted to return home. I needed to see my son again. During my tour in Afghanistan, I rescued a young boy. When I returned him to his mother she said "This would not have happened if his father was here, where he's supposed to be; instead of out fighting someone else's war." That one statement told me it was time to go home, and be with my son.

Parker means everything to me, and I wanted to be with him as he grew up. I didn't belong here. I did my duty to my country, and now it was someone else's' turn. I needed to be home visiting my son every weekend and picking him up from school two days a week. I missed Parker, and I wanted to see him. I wanted to be a father, not a soldier. Caroline was just the excuse I needed, to go home.

I said goodbye to Hannah, and packed to leave. She understood, as I told her we would stay in touch, and within three days of the phone call, I was on a plane home. I thought about Hannah on the plane ride, and wondered how hard it would be to continue the relationship. We would write, and she said she would call whenever she could, but I knew it would be difficult.

.

I arrived in DC, the same day as Bones, and I remembered our promise to meet at the reflecting pool coffee cart. Our place. It was the one place, where we met every day, just to talk and have coffee. Even if we didn't have a case, many times we would meet there, and just talk.

I saw her in the distance; she was looking for me. At first, I was angry. How dare she just throw away five years of us? Five years of our lives. We spent almost every day together, and she tossed it out like last week's garbage.

Then I saw the look of recognition on her face, and all those memories came rushing back. I felt my heart leap in my chest at the look in her eyes. The look that I thought was love, but in the same moment, I realized that I was mistaken, because she didn't love me, the way that I loved her. She didn't want me in the same way. I hid my feelings, and walked toward her. I had to keep her at a distance, so I wouldn't be caught up in the idea of our eventually again. I had to stop this merry go round known as Bones. I forced myself to think of Hannah, and the life we started in Afghanistan.

We slowly approached each other, and she drew me into a hug. I was startled at first; she usually didn't initiate hugs. I remembered the smell that was Bones; it assaulted my senses, and made me feel weak. Maybe she has changed, but I quickly stopped those thoughts and concentrated on Hannah. Before it became too intense, I pulled away.

We sat on the steps and talked. She told me about the work she did in Maluku, and I told her about the war. I told her I did mostly administrative work, but I don't think she believed me. She knew me too well. She knew the ghosts that haunted my dreams, the memories of the lives taken, all in the name of war. Neither one of us spoke of that, because sometimes the silence, says more than the words.

I asked her if she met anyone while she was away, but she said no. I was hoping she did, so it would be easier to tell her about Hannah, but then I remembered that she didn't feel the same way I did. I told her about Hannah, and I thought I saw a brief glimpse of sorrow, but I turned away, hoping to avoid the pain in her eyes.

.

We talked a little longer, and then we went to meet everyone at the FBI. I discovered that she didn't keep in touch with anyone, and she had no idea, of the changes that took place during our absence. After the meeting, I went home, alone, and as I entered my apartment, the memories of war came back.

I knew it would happen. It always did, and, when I went to bed alone, the faces of death, assaulted my senses, and I woke screaming from the nightmares. I never missed that part of the war. The lingering faces of those I killed. Hannah helped that, but she wasn't here. I was alone. I was up way too early, and as I dressed for the day, I wished she were here to hold me.

Hannah didn't know about my silent battle with my conscience, I never told anyone about that. Except Bones, she knew, she understood. I didn't tell Hannah that part. I kept our conversations light, and avoided the horrors of war, avoided my cosmic balance sheet, which was longer now. Filled with more faces, of the men and women I killed. Hannah was my light at the end of the tunnel, and for some reason I didn't have nightmares when I was with her.

I pushed the memories aside, and went to work. We had a case to solve, and I needed to be reinstated with the FBI.

.

Caroline was shocked by how quickly we solved the case, and I realized that we were back, and the center would hold once again. It felt different, but it was there. We felt disjoined and separate, but we had been apart for seven months, so it would take time, but we would get there, we would eventually connect.

.

Bones talked them into letting us work out of the Jeffersonian, again, and we met there to celebrate our return, but when Cam turned on the lights, there was a mastodon in place of the platform. That was when I realized that the problem with our group was like the mastodon in the room, a type of uneasiness between us. That hopefully time would erase from our midst.

I looked at Bones, and welcomed her back; she thanked me, and welcomed me back too. She looked at me, but I looked at the mastodon, and realized that this was going to be harder than I thought. That deep down I still loved her, but I couldn't let those feelings out, I had to keep them locked away, and think of Hannah, because Hannah was my future, and Bones was my past.

.

.

Hannah arrived in DC today. I was sitting in the diner with Bones, when I saw her out the window walking toward the diner. It was so great to see her. She put in a request to be assigned to the Washington press core, just so she can be here with me. It has been a long time since anyone has changed her life for me. I can't remember being so happy.

Sweets is driving me crazy. He keeps trying to analyze my relationship with Hannah. He keeps mentioning my relationship with Bones, but that is in the past and has to stay there. Hannah is my present and my future. I told him Hannah makes me happy, and I'm glad she's here. Sweets needs to mind his own business.

,

Bones said she had fantasies of me in Maluku. Since she doesn't love me, I guess they were because she needed to satisfy biological urges.

.

I asked Hannah to move in with me. I think Bones was surprised.

.

I came home to find all the women from the lab at my place, drinking wine and talking to Hannah. It felt a little strange at first, and then Hannah presented me with a phone, the old-fashioned type that has a dial. I think the gift was from Bones though, because I never told that story to Hannah. That is one of the things that is 'ours'. Just between Bones and me.

One by one, they left, and only Bones was left with us. She realized the situation, and went to leave, but as I walked her to the door, I saw a forlorn look on her face. I wonder if she regrets what happened between us. I told her I would see her tomorrow, and she left.

.

Bones told me she had planned the perfect murder today. What a strange comment to make.

.

She dressed up as a skeleton and was a guest on a kids science show today. It was great to see her, and it made me think of all the reasons I fell in love with her, but Hannah is my life now, and I have to put those thoughts out of my mind.

.

I made Hannah dinner tonight. I want her to be happy, so I will do anything for her. She made a comment about me proposing and had a terrified look on her face, but I told her it was just dinner. About a week ago, I told Sweets that I bought her new sheets and all types of bathroom stuff. I really want this to work, so I will put as much effort as I can into it.

.

Hannah was shot today, and I had to leave a suspect and go to the hospital. Bones joined us later, saw a problem with her x-ray, and told us she needed immediate surgery. She saved Hannah's life.

When she told me on the steps of the Hoover, that she didn't have an open heart, she was so wrong. I wish she would see herself for who she really is, because every day I see the good things she does, and I am amazed at the woman she has become during the past few years.

I wondered about what could have been, as she left Hannah's room and went to see the doctor. I know it's wrong, and I know I am happy with Hannah, but sometimes when I look at her, I wonder.

While Hannah was in surgery, I went back to the Hoover to question a suspect, and Sweets met me in the hall. He said I should be with Hannah, but I told him I need to question the suspect, and besides Bones said, the operation was a simple procedure. I am getting sick of his interfering. He needs to mind his own business.

I went to the hospital to see Hannah after her surgery, and she wanted to bet that she would catch the killer before me. I need to tell her about my past one day soon. I just have to wait until the right time. As she pulled me in for a kiss, she thanked me for being her big scary protector.

.Bones came to wake me up today, so I could get my form signed by Sweets. She heard my Bones popping, and told me I was getting old. I can always count on her to tell me the truth.

As we were walking into the Hoover, to meet with Sweets, she listed all my former injuries. I asked her how she has room in your brain to remember all those things, and she told me that she remembers, because she cares about me. I wonder how much? I've realized that she is more honest about her feelings since she came back. Maybe the trip did help her after all.

.

We went on a cruise where women pay to be with younger men. Some of these men look barely old enough to be legal. Why would they want older women? Some young kid tried to pick up Bones, I tried to stop him, but she stayed and talked to him. I was glad when Daisy called, and she had to walk away from him. Afterward I thought, why should I care about who she is with I have Hannah now, but it still bothered me.

.

Hodgins and Angela announced that she was pregnant today. We were all supposed to meet at the "Founding Fathers" restaurant, so they could make the official announcement, but as Bones and I were walking there, I got a text from Hannah. I told Bones to lie to our friends so I can go have sex with Hannah. I have never lied like this before, what is she doing to me? I wonder what Bones thought of my behavior. I really miss Hannah, so I would rather be with her, but I still feel like I did something wrong.

.

I think it's time for Hannah to meet Parker. Last weekend when Hannah was gone, Parker came to stay with me. He only visits when she's not here. Well during breakfast, he looks at me and says, "Daddy, I hate your new girlfriend". I've been avoiding this too long, it's time for them to meet.

I talked to Hannah today about meeting Parker, and she looked terrified. I tried to reassure her, but I don't know how well it went. She asked me what she would do if he hates her. I immediately thought of the conversation Parker and I had this morning, but I didn't tell her. I'm sure it will be ok.

Bones talked to me about Parker today. She said I sounded nervous. Well, what did she expect, after what he said to me? However, I know it's going to work out, I just know it.

Hannah was wonderful with Parker. I think I was more nervous than she was. Once I left them alone, they got along great.

I told Bones about Parker and Hannah, and she looked sad. I wonder if she regrets her decision last year?

When the case was over, we met at the diner. Hannah had taken Parker out for ice cream; they came back talking about what a great time they had. I am so happy that Parker likes Hannah. I think this is going to work out.

.

.

Bones is acting very strange. We have a case about this doctor who was murdered, and she seems to be over identifying with the victim. I called Sweets in on the case, because she is really starting to worry me. He said Angela called him too. Something is going on, and it's really starting to bother me. I don't know what to do to help her.

She came to my office today to talk with Lauren Eames's boss, and she freaked out when she saw the picture of the victim. She asked me if she looked familiar, and then when I said no, she grabbed the evidence and rushed out of my office. Something is definitely wrong.

Bones went with me to talk to a suspect, and picked up evidence without gloves on. She is behaving erratically and I still don't know why. Later she came to my office and started an argument with me about whether or not the victim was a drug addict. She became very emotional, and I thought she was going to cry. She also said something strange to me. She said, "Ergo, Ipso-Facto, Colombo, Oreo." that isn't even Latin. She won't talk to Angela or Sweets, and I don't know how to handle this.

I started watching Bones more carefully today. I don't know what to do anymore. I think I am going to follow her for a while to be sure she doesn't do something stupid.

Well, I'm glad I followed her, because she went to the worst part of town, in the pouring rain and as I watched her, she crouched down to look at something in the road. A car came speeding down the road, and would have killed her if I didn't pull her out of the way.

She told me she solved the case, but couldn't prove it. When we got into my car, she told me she regretted saying no to me. As I was driving down the road, she sat in the seat, her seat, next to me and told me she wanted me. It felt like a sword was piercing my heart.

What was I going to do? I had Hannah, I loved her, I really did, and she made me so happy. However, on the other hand, I also loved Bones, but I knew that now was not the time to work through these feelings. Bones needed time to think about what she is feeling. These feelings are new to her, she needs to sort them out before making any decisions, and I have Hannah now, so I had to tell Bones that Hannah is not a consolation prize.

When Bones told me no, I worked very hard to stop loving her, then I met Hannah, and I realized how easy it was to love her, so I forced myself to hide those feelings for Bones. I hid them deep in my heart, so I could love Hannah. I couldn't open myself up to loving Bones anymore. I wouldn't survive that hurt again.

I needed to concentrate on Hannah. I needed to love her, she gave up everything for me, she really loved me, and I loved her. Not in the same way I loved Bones, I don't think I will ever love someone like that again, but in her own way. In a Hannah way, and I needed to hold onto that happiness that I had finally found.

I asked Bones if she wanted me to call someone, because I couldn't think of anything else to say. How do I tell her that I am too scared to try again? How do I tell her that if I let myself, I could love her? How do I tell her that I never stopped loving her, but forced myself to hide my feelings? What does someone say to a past love in this situation? What was I supposed to do?

I dropped her off at the Jeffersonian, sat in the parking lot, and cried.


	14. The Insight in the Incident

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**This was so hard to do. I am sorry I am late on posting. Next post will be on Thursday, next week. **

**I will hopefully post two of these a week, usually on Thursdays. One from Brennan's point of view and the other from Booth's point of view. **

**Brennan's point of view **

The Insight in the Incident

May

28th The plane ride was difficult to say the least. Daisy was her regular irritating self, and I was glad I was in first class for most of the trip. The last plane ride of the journey was too small to have first class and Daisy and I had to sit together.

June

13th I miss Booth. I received an email from him today, but I can't respond. I need time to think about what I want from my life, and if I write to Booth, I won't be able to be impartial and rational in making my decision.

30th I received another email from Booth, they have been coming almost every week. He is doing well, and is doing administrative work, but knowing him, it is a lie. He says he misses me, and wants me to write back. I'm still having trouble trying to compartmentalize him. I have never had this problem before. Why won't my thoughts of him go away?

I think some of my problem is because the dig isn't going well. If I had my science to distract me, it would be easier, but we have been at the dig for over a month and haven't found anything.

July

15th Still no luck on site. About the only thing we have found is many different species of animals mostly birds. Snakes are abundant here as well, and I often have to remove them from my jeep before driving back to the base. It's strange how snakes don't bother me in the jungle, but when I'm with Booth, I need to be carried.

Booth is still on my mind, and I have started dreaming about him at night. My fantasies are very intense. Dreams signify the thoughts trapped in the subconscious mind. I wonder if this is a significant breakthrough?

His weekly emails have stopped. I think he has moved on, but I hope he hasn't. I am still so confused. Daisy is still the same, and continually complains about Sweets. It is becoming very annoying.

August

10th Booth is still writing, but now it is once a month. He is doing well, and continues to train troops. He said some of them are hopeless.

21st I really miss Booth; maybe I made a mistake.

September

3rd Still haven't found much at the site. We are switching to another location tomorrow. I need to grid off the area, so I will be busy for the next few days. I hope this site is better than the last.

18th I hope Booth is safe. I should receive an email this week. If nothing else, he is consistent.

30th Booth is well, but very concerned about me. Maybe I should write him. However, I know if I do, I won't be able to separate my feelings for him, and I need to get him out of my mind.

October

10th Booth should write this week. I look forward to his emails. I am getting aggravated with the site, and Daisy is driving me crazy, maybe it's time to go home.

21st I didn't receive an email from Booth yet. I hope he hasn't been hurt. I wonder if I am still his emergency contact? Maybe he will write next week.

31st It's Halloween back home. Daisy thinks we should dress up and celebrate. I think she is crazy. If I ignore her long enough, will she stop talking? Booth didn't write this month.

November

10th We started another site this week, still nothing of significance.

20th Booth hasn't written again, I think he has moved on. I wish I could.

25th Today would be Thanksgiving back in the states. Still nothing from Booth. I think I should have responded.

December

3rd The jeep wouldn't start today, and as I was trying to fix it, three Alifuru attacked us. I was able to fight them off, but Daisy took off her clothes, and watched in her underwear. I don't think I will ever understand her. Just as I knocked out the last man, my satellite phone rang. It was Caroline. She said they had an emergency situation in DC, and I had to return immediately.

5th I am on a plane to DC, it only took three days, but I was able to excuse myself from the dig. I will be returning after I solve the situation at home, but for now I am on my way back. Daisy came with me, but since she is flying coach, I am not with her right now.

I checked the flight plans, and Booth should have arrived by now, so I am going to the reflecting pool to see if he is there. I don't know what I will do when I see him. My feelings are still there, because I was not successful in compartmentalizing him. I don't know if it was because I couldn't, or if it was because I really didn't want to. Maybe seeing him will help me to figure things out.

6th I saw Booth today. Since it was after midnight when we met, I can logically say it was today. I was waiting for him at the reflecting pool, and as I turned around, I saw him in the distance. It was in that moment that I realized my leaving was for nothing. All my feelings came rushing back and I knew that no matter what I did, I would always feel this way toward Booth. I pulled him into my arms and held him close. The hug ended too soon, and my arms ached for his touch.

My first thought was that maybe he was right and we should try this, to see if it would work. Maybe it was time to give us a chance. Within minutes, I realized that I lost him; he met someone in Afghanistan. Her name is Hannah. I don't know how I feel about this yet. I want him to be happy, and I know I would never be able to give him that, but I feel empty inside, as if I lost something important.

I went right to the FBI to talk to Cam. The whole team was there, and it was nice to see them again. All my interns are gone, and now I need to see who I can find to help me. Cam was angry with me for leaving; I don't understand why. I am an anthropologist after all, what did she expect me to do? I needed time away from death, and Booth.

7th Within a day we realized that the bones were those of a three year old Asian boy, and not of Logan Bartlett, but we needed to solve the murder of this other child, and as I looked at the x-rays, I realized that something wasn't right.

It felt like my eyes were seeing something, which my brain refused to process. I needed to get myself back into perspective, I needed to let my brain take over again, and stop letting my feelings control me. I needed to compartmentalize so I could become who I was before I met Booth.

Maybe Hannah was just what I needed to let him go. I knew I could never make him happy. I knew I would hurt him in the end, but I also knew that I cared for him, and I wanted him happy. If I couldn't give him that happiness, at least I could let him go.

9th We met at the Jeffersonian to regroup, and when Cam turned on the lights, we saw a mastodon in the middle of the room. I told Booth it was a lot to work around, but he said we worked around bigger things. I realized we had worked around a lot of thing in the past year, and we would get by this too.

I watched him as he welcomed me back, and I welcomed him back too, but he avoided my eyes, and I wondered if he was thinking about her. I concluded that he was thinking about Hannah, because to me, she was the mastodon in the room, and I knew he had moved on.

10th Hannah is here. She requested to be assigned to the Washington press core just so she can be near him. Booth seems so happy with her. It was difficult to see them together, but I am happy for him, I think. I know I could never give him that type of happiness.

Just as we started to be acquainted, we got a case. It was a couple that was found in a cave. As we were examining the bones, Cam brought up the idea that Booth and I were a couple. Why does everyone think we were together? As soon as Cam mentioned it, Angela had to get involved. She said Booth and I were a couple, but just not having sex. Then she asked if I am jealous. I told her of course not, that I am happy for Booth.

The one thing that surprised me was Dr. Clarks comment, he said, "Because it's obvious you and Agent Booth were attracted to each other, I mean even a blind man could see that. I just couldn't understand why you two didn't rip each other's clothes off. I mean just get all butt naked and… Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Er. Um. Er. I'm sorry. Er... It just popped out. Okay. You guys weren't focusing."

Clark never gets involved in any type of personal talk in the lab, so his comment really bothered me. Were we that obvious? Did everyone see what I was too blind to see? No matter, it is too late now to do anything about it. Booth is happy with Hannah, and I need to move on.

11th Angela told me that sometimes love decides your life for you. I wonder if that is the same as fate. Booth believed in fate, and now he's happy with Hannah. Just like Angela has Hodgins, and Cam has Michelle and Paul. I guess I'm the only one who is living the life she expected. Fate hasn't intervened in my life yet, or if it had, I missed the opportunity, but then again, I don't believe in fate.

Our recent case involved two people who died in a cave. She was a marketing director and he was a migrant worker. It makes no sense that they were a romantically involved couple. Although Booth has an admirable sense of love, Sweets and I both disagreed with him.

12th I told Booth that the proof was the two of us. We were unable to overcome our differences and become a couple, just as these two people had to have something else that drew them together. Love wasn't enough. I also told Booth about how I imagined us together one day, but he seemed bothered by this information. I reassured him that he was lucky to have found Hannah.

14th Booth says that love is thinking of someone before yourself. It's giving your life if necessary to that person. The man who died could have left his girlfriend and lived, but he chose to die with her. I still contend that, that is foolish and illogical, because if that person falls out of love and meets someone else, those selfless acts would suddenly appear to be dangerously irresponsible. Booth doesn't agree he said, "No, it was still love."

I wish I could believe that way, and maybe I could have been with Booth, but that is over. He has moved on and doesn't care for me like that anymore. Would I have been able to walk away knowing he would die alone, in a cave?

16th Booth asked Hannah to move in with him today. It was just a casual conversation over the phone. I always thought there should be more ceremony with it. They must be very comfortable with each other. I'm glad he is happy with her, but at the same time, it hurts to know their relationship is progressing.

18th Hannah came by the lab today to ask me what type of gift to get Booth. I told her to buy him a phone, one of the real old heavy ones with a dial. If she's moving in with him, shouldn't she know what he likes?

She also doesn't seem to know the pain that Booth holds inside himself. The pain for the lives he took in the war, the pain of his shattered childhood, and the pain that he feels for the victims in our cases. I remember that it took Booth a long time to open up to me, so I wonder if he will eventually open up to her, but some of her conceptions of him are wrong. How will he change those conceptions later, if he doesn't correct them now? I hope this relationship is beneficial for him, and he doesn't get hurt.

I worry about Booth; I hope Hannah doesn't hurt him. I told her to be sure, before she moves in, because Booth will give himself to her completely, and it will be very painful for him if she isn't as serious about the relationship as he is. She said she was, but it doesn't feel right. Maybe through the process of osmosis, I am accepting Booth's idea of thinking with my gut. No, I still contend that, that is impossible.

We all went to Booth's today to help Hannah move in, but she didn't have anything to move in. she said she was a nomad, and moved around a lot. I hope that doesn't mean her and Booth's relationship is temporary, because he will be devastated.

While we were talking and drinking wine, Booth came home, and everybody left. As I was leaving they invited me to stay for dinner, but I know they wanted to be alone. I have learned a lot from Booth over the years.

As I was leaving, Booth followed me to the door. He gave me this intense look, and I thought I saw something in his eyes, but I must have been mistaken, because he loves Hannah now. I need to realize that I missed my chance, and we will never be.

20th Booth and Angela talked me into being on a kid's science show today. The host's name was Professor Bunsen Jude the Science Dude. I had a good time, even though I had to dress in this ridiculous outfit.

28th Hannah was shot today, and I found a discrepancy in her x-ray. I told her she needed immediate surgery, and went to find the doctor. As I was leaving the room, Booth gave me that look again. I wish I knew what it meant, because he is with Hannah now, and I need to put my feelings for him aside, and let him go.

I never knew it would be so hard to let him go. Watching him with Hannah really bothers me. I wish I could understand the feelings I have for him. I know he has moved on, so why can't I? If it only takes the brain three days to adjust, why hasn't my brain done that already?

I went to see Hannah in the hospital today, and she told me I had to bring her a gift. She took my sunglasses. I don't think I will ever understand the strange traditions that most humans follow.

January

3rd They found an old slave ship off the coast of Maryland today. They brought it to the Jeffersonian to have us identify the remains. We found a murder victim among the remains, and ended up solving that murder, while identifying the slaves.

I went to pick up Booth today, and he was still in bed. I never realized that he released so much synovial gas in the morning. It is probably caused from his many injuries. His body has been abused for many years, and eventually it is going to show up in his bones.

We went on a cruise where older women pay to be with young men. I found it to be a very pleasing experience. A young man approached me, and Booth got all defensive. He took my drink and told me it was time to work. If he doesn't want me, what gives him the right to refuse other men? He has always been that way with me, even when I was in a relationship with Sully.

I enjoyed myself while Booth and Sweets interviewed the bartender, but I had to excuse myself when Daisy called with information from the lab. . When he came back, he told me that I was prime real estate, I knew that, but I didn't think he thought of me that way anymore.

5th Booth said he would never enjoy chocolate again. There was a body in a bar of chocolate today. I don't see why it bothers him so much. It's not as if a body can be in the small bars he buys in a store.

Hannah is away again. Booth said she was in Munich. She is often gone on assignment. This is a very strange relationship, I wonder if he likes her being gone so much.

Hodgins and Angela announced that she was pregnant today. We were all supposed to meet at the "Founding Fathers" restaurant, so they could make the official announcement, but as Booth and I were walking there, he got a text from Hannah. He had me lie to our friends so he can go have sex with Hannah. I have never known him to be dishonest before, maybe Hannah isn't as good for him as I originally thought.

8th It's strange how this whole case was about lies. The victim was a chronic liar, the owner lied about his importance to the company, and her sister lied about her relationship with the victim. I have always been an honest person. I thought being honest about life was the best way to go, but lately I have noticed that many people lie all the time.

When Booth explained about lying to children at Christmas, I understood, but these lies feel wrong. They are lies amongst adults, and they involve relationships. For example, Cam lied to Michelle and sent in false applications to colleges for her. Then Angela told us all to lie to Hodgins about the pregnancy, and the one that hurt the most was Booth wanted me to lie about the reason he was unable to attend the get together for Angela and Hodgins.

Vincent feels the same way I do about lying, he and I discussed it, and he said he couldn't lie, so he was going to hide during the announcement so Hodgins wouldn't see his face. Should I change myself to adjust to this new type of behavior? I don't feel comfortable lying to anyone, and it was difficult to lie for Booth. I would do anything for him, so I did it, but I still felt uncomfortable.

Booth has taught me many things about how to relate to people, and if Booth can ask me to lie so easily, then maybe, it is ok. These are things I usually talk to Booth about, but he has Hannah now, so I can't do that. I think I will stay with my own theory about lying, and wait to see if I can get more information. I never make any decisions quickly, so I don't think I should start now.

10th Booth is going to introduce Hannah to Parker tomorrow. He was nervous about whether or not Parker would like her. I told him he could send Parker to boarding school, but Booth didn't like that idea. I told him he shouldn't worry because worrying won't change the outcome.

I hope it works out for him. I really want him to be happy.

11th Parker liked Hannah. I don't know how that makes me feel. If I said I wanted him not to like her, would that make me a bad person? I think I made a big mistake when I refused Booth last year. I see him with Hannah and I wish it were me.

12th Booth and I went to the diner for coffee, and Hannah came in with Parker, she had taken him to the zoo for ice cream. They came in all excited and laughing. It is getting harder and harder to pretend. I feel like I'm falling apart inside. When Booth held Hannah's hand, I almost started to cry. Why does this have to be so hard? I want him to be happy, but I feel so empty inside.

14th I had everyone over for dinner, and just as we were finishing, we got a call for a murder. When we arrived, I realized that the victim had the same height and weight as me. She also had a dolphin ring exactly like mine on. I got the strangest feeling while looking at her body.

15th I met Booth in his office today to talk to her boss from the hospital. He brought along all her case files, as well as CD's of notes for the transcriptionist. Dr. Gadh said that she was a woman of passion, and some residents complained they were overworked and underappreciated, but nothing out of the ordinary. Booth looked at me, and said that was like my squinterns and me.

I asked him how someone, who was so successful, could not be missed, and he said,""I will show you fear in a handful of dust." T.S. Eliot. We don't actually fear death; we fear that no one will notice our absence; that we will disappear without a trace." That sounds very true. I am a successful woman, would I be missed?

I looked through the information, and when I picked up her photo ID, I realized that she looked just like me. After Dr. Gadh left, I showed the picture to Booth, but he didn't see the resemblance. I took the files, and left. I needed to think about this, I needed to reassess my life.

I can't sleep. It's been 40 hours since I slept. I have been having trouble being objective with this case.

Micah keeps checking on me, when I stay at the lab late. I asked him to listen to the CD's of the victim's voice, because I thought she sounded like me, but he said, "She isn't you. She's her, and you're you. You're alive, and she's dead. Ergo, ipso facto, Colombo, Oreo."

Those last two words he said weren't Latin, but I understood his meaning. Just because something sounds the same doesn't mean it is the same.

I discovered that she was very good at hiding her pain; another way that we are alike.

16th I still haven't slept. Today, Booth and I went to see the pilot who loved Lauren. I saw pain in his eyes. I didn't believe it was possible, but I saw it. His name was Chris Markham, and he looked so sad. I know that it's a sentimental myth that emotions can be seen in the eyes, but he looked so miserable. It reminded me of Booth's eyes that night in front of the Jeffersonian, when I told him no.

Micah brought me a snack again, it seems like he's taking care of me. When he walked into the room, I was talking to the victim. He told me maybe it was intuition, but when I said I didn't believe in that, he told me that is why my brain is resorting to talking to me directly.

17th I went to see Booth in his office today, and he started an argument with me about whether or not the victim was a drug addict. I became very emotional, and I thought I was going to cry. I don't understand what is happening to me. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I still haven't been able to sleep.

Micah sent me home tonight. I went to lab again to work on the case, and he sent me home. I slept for a few hours, but I awoke from a dream about Booth. He was asking me again about my feeling for him, I wanted to tell him I loved him, but every time I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I woke up screaming his name.

18th Sweets said Lauren Eames was logical to the extreme and detached from her feelings. That sounds a lot like me. When I argued with him about it, he told me he considers me one of his closest friends. He told me I'm not alone in this world, and that's one of the many ways I'm different from Dr. Lauren Eames. I couldn't stay any longer. I needed to go, because I was ready to cry again. What is happening to me?

I went back to see Chris, and when I spoke to him about Lauren, I could see in his eyes that he loved her.

I went to Woodland tonight to see if my theory about Lauren Eames was possible, and as I was crouched down in the road to examine some possible evidence, a car almost hit me. Booth ran out from around the corner and saved my life. What was he doing following me?

I got into his car, and realized that I made a mistake when I told him no. I told him I don't want any regrets.

I know I love him, and I want to be with him. I finally realize what everyone has been telling me for years. I am in love with Booth.

When I told him, he said he was with Hannah now, and he loves her.

All the tension from the past few days had finally caught up to me, and I started to cry. I lost him. Because I couldn't accept him that day on the steps of the Hoover, I lost him. He moved on and found someone else. I can never remember feeling so sad, and dejected in my life.

I always told Booth that your heart couldn't break because it is a muscle, but now I feel my heart breaking. I feel so empty, and alone.

Booth brought me back to the Jeffersonian, and went home to Hannah. I was alone. Just as I planned for my life, I was alone.

Micah asked me how it went. I told him I finally felt something. I felt sad. He said it was better than dead, but right now I'm not sure. I just know I'm alone again, and I guess I will stay that way forever.

It takes three days for the brain to adapt to new situations. Three days. I need three days to adapt. I just have to wait.


	15. The Discovery in the Rejection

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**There will be one more post for this series. I will post the final episode as a combined story.**

**Booth's point of view**

The Discovery in the Rejection

I feel confused. I don't want to tell Hannah about Bones and her confession, but at the same time, I think that she should know. What do I say if she asks me if I love Bones? If she asks me, and I say no, is it still a lie, if I've hidden those feelings away? I will never act on them, I know I will never cheat on Hannah, but they are still there deep down inside me.

I talked to Sweets today, to ask if I should tell Hannah. He suggested that I tell Hannah, and then he made a comment about me still having feelings about Bones. I don't still love Bones, I love Hannah, I do. Sweets needs to mind his own business.

I talked to Hannah tonight, and she was very understanding. She asked me about how I felt; I told her that was in the past, and I don't feel that way anymore. It is getting easier and easier to push those feelings away, and talk only about Hannah. I just need to keep all interactions between Bones and me professional.

.

I tried to go after Brodsky and got hurt. Afterward, I met Caroline, Bones, and Max at the diner. We talked about his escape. As I looked at Bones I realized that, I want to do what's right, but I don't know what that is. I don't want to hurt or disappointment anyone, so I think it's time for me to make a decision about Bones and Hannah. When Max's cab came, Bones walked him out. I miss her. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I should have waited. But, we can't live our lives on maybes.

I watched her walk out with her Dad; she is so beautiful. As I watched her out the window listening to a conch shell, I realized that I needed to decide what I am going to do. I really do love Hannah, but sometimes, when I look at Bones, my heart sinks, and I feel like I lost something special, and I feel empty inside.

.

Bones finally agreed that monogamy is the right way for our society. This case was about a man who had three wives, and was cheating on them with a forth woman.

Bones and I finally feel comfortable together; I can feel some of the tension ease. We actually laughed today. Although it was slightly uncomfortable, I could tell we were on our way to working this out.

We met at the Founding Father's tonight for a celebratory drink. We were talking about the case and Bones asked me if the victim loved all his wives the same. I knew this was dangerous territory. Hell, I never should have gone to the Founding Fathers with her to begin with. My feelings are still too raw, and sitting there looking at her, I felt overwhelmed by the love that I have been trying to hide for so long.

I know I can't act on it, but it is so hard to hide it when I'm around her. I told her that you can love a lot of people in this world, but there's only one person that you love the most, and when I said it I meant her, but I knew it could never happen. I knew I didn't want to go there.

However she continued to ask, and look at me with those blue eyes, and I was helpless to resist her. When she asked me, "What if you let that person get away?". I said that person is not going anywhere. I know I shouldn't have said it, but it just slipped out. I think she realized the tension at the same time I did, because she changed the subject.

I went home to Hannah, and after we had sex, and she fell asleep, I thought about what I was doing, and decided that I had to make a choice, and put one of them out of my heart forever. I needed to close myself off to one of them, but which one do I choose? Hannah makes me so happy, and life is so easy with her. Bones has caused me pain from the day I met her. I knew the answer, and I knew I had to act on it before it was too late, or before I changed my mind.

.

.

I got drunk with Sweets tonight. He drove me nuts talking about Daisy. He said he wants to get married. He said he didn't want to be my age and end up like me. He said I led a sad life, because I couldn't find anyone to love me. He's right, I need to do something, and I told him I was going to ask Hannah to marry me.

We had a case first thing in the morning, and I had a hell of a hangover from last night's escapades with Sweets. I felt terrible. Bones and I met Hannah for lunch, and they both tried to get me to tell them what Sweets and I talked about. I was happy to see Angela walk into the diner, so we could change the subject.

Sweets and I were meeting later today to get the rings. I knew this was the right thing to do. I had to make a decision. I had to stop loving two women. After Bones confessed, I felt torn between both women, and I had to prove to Hannah that I loved her. I had to show her how committed I was to our relationship. I knew I had to marry her.

Sweets and I went to pick out the rings. I found a beautiful ring for Hannah. It cost more than two months salary, but I loved her and bought it anyway. The sales clerk told Sweets if he was more interested in the cost of the ring then maybe he shouldn't get married. That was when he changed his mind.

.

I met Hannah at the reflecting pool near the Lincoln Memorial, the lights were shining, and she looked so beautiful. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. She asked me if I was looking for a good time, but I told her I wanted more.

I said, "I love you, Hannah, and when I met you, I really, honestly, wondered if I was ever going to meet anyone again. Marry me; I want you to be my wife."

She said, "I love you, I really do, but I can't. I'm just not the marrying kind."

I told her, "But, I am."

She said, "I know you are, and I thought we would have more time before we got to this, but I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Then she tried to ask me if we can forget the whole thing and go back to before I proposed. As if I could just be with her knowing that, she doesn't want to marry me. As if I could just forget the way I feel. She realized that that was impossible, and told me she would get out. She walked away from me, and I threw the ring in the pool.

I don't have to work tomorrow, so I am staying here, at the bar, as long as I want. Maybe if I get drunk enough I will forget about how, no one wants me. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, no one wants me. My father, Rebecca, Bones, and now Hannah. I'm so mad at the women in my life, because no matter how hard I try, I can never get it right.

Bones met me at the bar; Hannah called her. By the time, she showed up, I was drunk. I told her she could stay and drink with me or she can leave, and tomorrow I will get her a new FBI guy.

She stayed. I knew she would. That's what makes her Bones.

I watched her out of the corner of my eye and she looked so sad, but I couldn't offer her more. I already tried, and she said no. I can't go there again. I'm too angry right now. I need time. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Bones stayed with me until the bar closed. Then we both went home.

.

Today is Valentine's Day, and I have no interest in celebrating it. It's been, a little over a week since Hannah left, so I don't need this hassle. The only memorable thing that happened on Valentine's Day was the St. Valentine's Day massacre, so I can't see the importance of the day.

Angela keeps trying to get me to be with someone, and it's annoying. At least Bones is alone too. Although she got several phone calls for dates, she turned them all down.

Bones met me at the driving range tonight. She brought machine guns and said they were a gift for me, because I remembered the Valentine's Day massacre. It was great, like old times, just us shooting targets together. She really does understand me.

.

I met Bones while she was running today. I asked her if I could go to a lecture with her, but we got a case and had to cancel.

Bones keeps comparing me to Brodsky. She doesn't seem to understand that I did it under orders for my country, but he makes his own decisions. We are not the same.

Bones told me that Brodsky was bad, but I was good tonight. I don't remember a time when six words have ever made me feel so good. She also said she would always stand right beside me. Today was a good day.

.

There is a blizzard, and Bones and I are stuck in an elevator. Sweets is here, being his normal annoying self. He really pisses me off sometimes, like right now when he keeps talking about Bones and me.

Bones asked me if we should talk about us. I don't know if I'm ready. I am still angry.

I loved her so much, and it was so hard to move on and love Hannah. When Hannah turned me down it felt like Bones' rejection all over again. I knew Hannah never wanted to be married, but I really thought she would change her mind. I should have known, because we never had what Bones and I have. I never talked to her as I do Bones. I never wanted her as much as I wanted Bones. I never really moved on.

I hurt my back and Bones was giving me Tai massage, she touched me a little close to my groin, and I had to tell her to stop. I think if we ever do get together, it will be very hard to control myself.

Bones is different since she came back from Maluku. I thought I saw a difference, but we didn't talk to each other until now. While we were stuck in the elevator, we talked about how it would be possible to have a relationship. She brought up the possibility of making love, and I realized that she has grown since we first met, because she said making love, and not having sex.

She also said we would be great in bed. I think she is right; we both approach everything with such passion, that I think making love to Bones would be an incredible experience. However, I was concerned with what would happen next. I don't know if I can go to the next level with her, because we both have such different ideas about what a relationship is. I just don't know if it would work. Besides, I still feel angry about the idea of life, love and happiness.

After we got out of the elevator, Bones came to my place. She hadn't been there since Hannah left. We sat in the chairs, and talked about the way we feel. She told me that when we first met she was impervious, but now she is strong. She looked hopeful. I love that look on her face.

She spoke about the possibility of us being together. Therefore, I told her I wanted to write down a date when I thought we would both be ready, and then we burned them. I peeked over her shoulder while she was writing, and saw that she wrote, 'whenever he's ready'. I wonder when that will be.

.

I noticed today that I still have moments when I feel angry toward everyone. I am having a hard time accepting that Bones and I can have a relationship. The last time I thought we could be together, she crushed my heart. I want to let my feelings grow again, but I am scared to let myself love her.

Maybe I need to push her and see how she reacts. If she stays with me, then maybe we have a chance. She apologized to Dr. Filmore although she felt it was unnecessary. That shows me she is trying to connect with me. Maybe she is ready for a relationship.

She told me the difference between an apology and feeling contrite today. I think we both feel contrite for our past mistakes.

.

Bones seems to avoid any type of personal discussion. She keeps telling me jokes to change the subject. It reminds me of that English squint in her lab who always tells me trivia.

I told Bones I saw a Yeti when I was in Nepal. She didn't believe me, because she said it is a myth and a myth, can't be proven. I am trying to see if she can be open to the possibility of accepting the unknown. Like us. We don't make sense, but we are both drawn to each other. I think she needs to be able to accept some things as unexplainable, before she can see us in a serious relationship.

I believe we will get there soon, but when I take that chance on her, I want her to be ready to accept me and not try to scientifically explain our connection. She needs to let herself love me without understanding why. She needs to understand that love can't be explained rationally.

Bones told me that she can explain my Yeti sighting today, but after she told me, I told her that I made it up. I am so proud that she was able to look outside her scientific box, and accept what I said. Maybe there is reason to hope.

This time it is very different from other relationships I have had. I have always been the romantic. Believing in 'love at first sight', and rushing into the union, but now I am waiting until we are both ready for this experience. Hannah's rejection of me, proved that I need to re-evaluate my romantic ideas, and look to the future, instead of the present.

.

I introduced Bones to Walter. I remembered him from the army and heard he could find anything. Although I don't like him, I knew he has a gift for finding things, and we needed a map found, so I took Bones to Florida.

All he did was flirt with her. Surprisingly she didn't flirt back. Even when I jokingly told him he could sleep with her if he found the map, her only reaction was to punch me in the arm. I think this is going to work out.

.

The case we just completed was about telling the truth. Bones asked me if I ever lied to her. Wow is that a difficult question to answer. I have told her many lies over the years, but they were more lies of omission, instead of real lies.

For example, I never told her how much I loved her, or that I never really moved on. How could I? I don't think I will ever find another woman who I love as much as Bones. I believe she is my soul mate, and I will love her forever. I can't wait until I can tell her. Maybe someday soon, because I think I'm almost ready, I think it's almost time.

.

Today our suspect was a young girl. The police arrested her covered in blood, and brought her to us to find her family. During the investigation, Bones reveled that she was physically abused, to the point of broken bones. We called the parents in for questioning, and Bones went to touch the man's nose and he pushed her. I instantly went to protect her, by pushing him away from her and into the wall. Then not even an hour later, I punched him after he hit his wife. I guess I'm still angry.

I have to be better than that; I have to be better for Parker.

Bones told me, "You're son is very lucky Booth you have to know that."

I know but I just want it to be about more than luck. I want to deserve his love. I never want him to see that side of me. I will not allow myself to become my father.

.

I need to get Brodsky; he killed someone else today. I have told the FBI, no new cases until we catch him. He is my top priority now.

The English squintern is presenting with Bones at a convention, and he was in the lab dressed as a dinosaur.

I have been working with a new agent this month; she shows a lot of promise.

Brodsky shot the English squintern today. His name was Vincent. Bones is taking it very hard. I told her to come home with me tonight. I want to keep an eye on her. I want to keep her safe.

It was 4:47 when she walked into my room. I thought Brodsky was holding her hostage, so I held a gun on her until she told me it was okay. She was crying, and she asked me why Vincent had to die. She thought he thought she was going to make him leave. She thought he thought she was cold hearted. I pulled her down near me on the bed, and told her he was talking to the universe, not to her. I told her he wasn't ready to die.

She asked me to hold her, and I pulled her down into my bed. She laid her head on my shoulder, held me close and cried. I told her I'm here for her, kissed the top of her head, and held her until she cried herself to sleep.

I couldn't go to sleep. Her scent was overwhelming. I thought about our discussion that day during the blizzard, and I realized that I was no longer angry. She helped me to heal. She helped me to realize how much I wanted her.

She awoke a short while later, and looked up at me. I felt drawn to her, and I couldn't help myself. I pulled her in and kissed her. She pulled me closer, and kissed me back.

We had kissed before, when we barely knew each other, and then under duress from Caroline, but this was consensual, and it overwhelmed me. I remembered that first kiss, but this was so much better. This was what I had waited six years to feel. This was what I had been dreaming of for a long time. We were both finally ready to accept what we felt for each other, and through that kiss I showed her how much I loved her. How much I needed her. She responded, and I felt myself losing control. I knew where this was going, and I stopped to look at her.

"Bones, Bones, are you sure you want this? Are you sure you're ready?"

"Yes Booth, I think I've wanted this for a long time."

She again pulled me in and started to kiss me. My breathing became labored; I knew that if I didn't stop soon, I would make love to her, because my resistance was quickly dwindling. When she started to undress me, I knew we had to stop.

"Bones, Bones, listen to me. We need to stop. I don't want to do it this way. Not after Vincent's death. Please stop."

She continued to kiss me, but with less ardor than before.

"Bones, we have the rest of our lives, but not tonight. Not now."

She stopped, and looked at me. Her breathing was ragged as she stared at me.

"Booth, I understand, but I don't know if I can wait. I desperately want you."

"Listen, let me get Brodsky first, then we can finish this. I need to concentrate on him right now."

She laid her head on my chest.

"Can I stay?"

"I can't think of anywhere else I want you to be."

I pulled her close, as we lay holding each other. Sleep came slowly, and when I awoke in the morning, I realized that I was finally happy with her in my arms. I lay watching her as she slept. Her back was pressed against my chest, and I pushed a stray piece of hair out of her eyes.

She turned in my arms and looked at me.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

She laid her head on my chest and held me close. This is what I have been waiting for. This is what I want for the rest of my life. To wake up every morning to my Bones.

We got up a short while later and got dressed for work. I dropped her off at the Jeffersonian, and went to check on a lead for Brodsky.

I found Brodsky, and when he resisted arrest, I shot him in the leg. I never felt the need for revenge. I knew he had to stand trial, and I took him down, so he would stay alive.

We met outside the Jeffersonian to say goodbye to Vincent. We sang 'Lime in the Coconut' as we loaded his casket into the car.

After the car left, Bones took my arm and we walked back into the Jeffersonian. She was coming back to my place tonight, and I would show her how much I loved her. I finally feel at peace with this decision. I can't wait to be with her.


	16. The Beginning in the End

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine.**

**There will be one more post for this series. I will post the final episode as a combined story.**

**Brennan's point of view **

The Beginning in the End

January

25th I allowed myself three days and it still hurts. Maybe it doesn't apply to matters of the heart. I remember at my Dad's trial, Booth once told me that I should, "Take the brain, okay, put it in neutral. All right? Take the heart – pop it into overdrive". I wish I could do that now, but with the opposite effect.

It wasn't as hard working with Booth as I thought. I spent more time in the lab, so I wouldn't see him. Maybe I shouldn't have told him how I felt. He seems different to me now; it feels like he's avoiding me. I don't go with him when he interrogates suspects.

26th Hannah's been avoiding me lately, and I need to find out why, so I went to her work and waited outside to talk to her today. She said Booth told her about my confession. How could he do that? What happened to what's between us, is ours? He was so mad when I told Hacker about his mother's egg, and now he tells Hannah about me!

Hannah said, "He had to we're a couple."

I told her I didn't want to hurt her, I knew I never should have told him, but I felt he needed to know the truth. Hannah and I talked about it, and she said we could still be friends. I don't know how much longer I can continue this charade. I'm trying so hard, but it hurts so much.

Angela told me I should move on, but I don't know if I can do that. I don't want to let my defenses down again, if this is how I will feel. It took me so long to trust Booth, and I don't think I can ever do that again.

29th Heather Taffet was being transported to court for her appeal, and someone shot her in the head. The shot completely destroyed her head. We are trying to reconstruct the head now. Booth has my Dad on the suspect list.

30th My Dad came to see me today. He wanted to talk about Booth, but I couldn't. He thought we would be together. I told him I didn't want to discuss it. Thankfully, he dropped it.

31st Booth tried to catch the killer singlehandedly, but when the killer, Jake Brodsky, blew up a trailer, Booth dislocated his shoulder. We talked about it at the diner with Caroline and my Dad. Booth gave me another one of those looks again, but as he did, he said, "I didn't want to let anyone down."

Why would he think he could let me down? Booth could never disappoint me, never.

February

3rd Booth made me a periscope today. It was difficult to be that close to him. Angela's right I need to move on, I just don't know how.

4th This was a strange case, the victim was married to three women, at the same time. Booth and I got into a discussion about monogamy and I remembered the last time we spoke about it, he told me, "There is someone for everyone. Someone you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. All right? You just have to be open enough to see it. That's all." At the time, I wished he meant us, but I guess I closed that door when I refused him.

5th I think Booth is finally starting to feel more comfortable around me. We had a great time laughing in the car today. Although it was about the victim, and that was in poor taste, it felt like we were finally coming back together since we left almost a year ago.

6th Booth and I went out to the Founding Fathers after the case tonight. Cam was there with Paul, and I realized that they look good together. This has been the first time Booth and I have been alone together in a long time. We talked about the case, and I asked Booth if Ed Samuel loved all of his wives equally, and he told me he loved the first wife the most. When I asked him how he knew that, he told me that he always went back to the first wife on his day off.

I asked him what that meant, and he said, "You can love a lot of people in this world, but there is one person that you love the most."

I asked him, "How do you know?"

He said, "You just do."

As he said this, he again, had that look on his face. Why does he keep doing this to me? When I look at him, I feel like maybe he cares, but he goes home to Hannah.

So I asked him, "What if you let that person get away?"

He told me, "That person's not going anywhere."

Does he mean himself? Does he mean, in relation to work, or is he having second thoughts? As I write this at home, alone again, I can't help but think he means us. But, if he does, why did he go home to Hannah?

I don't want him to cheat on Hannah, I know he can't do that, but it hurts me so much to look at him, to work with him, to be near him, and know he goes home to her. To know he loves her. Maybe he meant he loved Hannah the most. I wish I knew more about love, because maybe then, I could understand this, instead of crying myself to sleep every night.

8th We finished the case and Booth didn't want to go out for drinks. He said he had plans with Hannah, and he couldn't be late. He seemed strange all day, and I think something is bothering him. I hope everything is ok with him and Hannah.

It's ten o'clock, and Hannah just called. She said Booth might need me. He proposed and she said no. Now I understand why he was so strange all day. He was thinking about his proposal to Hannah. How can I go to him knowing he proposed to her? How can I look at him knowing he loves her so much that he wanted to marry her? No matter how much it hurts, I need to go to him. I need to help him. After all, that's what friends are for, and Booth is my best friend. I will be there for him no matter what, or how I feel.

Its four o'clock in the morning and I just got home. I went to the Founding Fathers, and found Booth. He was pretty drunk when I got there, but even more drunk by the time we left. He said some things to me that really hurt. I don't know if it was because he was drunk, or if he meant them, but he told me he didn't want anything but a partnership with me. He said, "If I didn't want that, I could leave, and tomorrow he'll find me a new FBI guy."

I knew I couldn't leave him, so I stayed, and we drank together. He told me he was angry with all women, and he couldn't understand why he wasn't good enough for anyone. He wouldn't let me explain that he is too good for any woman, and they don't know what they lost, but I was one of those women, so I just let him talk.

He said he loved Rebecca, Hannah, and me, and that no one wanted him. I wish he knew how much I regret my decision that night, but I was so scared, that I could never make him happy. I didn't understand what we had together, and I lost the one chance I had at happiness. My one chance to be loved.

14th Today is Valentine's Day. It is a ridiculous holiday, and I don't know why anyone celebrates it. Banks aren't even closed. Booth is in a bad mood. He also hates Valentine's Day. Everyone at the lab wanted to get out early, and men kept calling me for a date. I don't want a date, because a date on Valentine's Day comes with the expectation of affectionate companionship and sex, and I do not intend to engage in either.

Cam said something cruel to me today; she said that at least she has someone. If I had accepted Booth last year, I would have someone too.

I met Booth at the shooting range with a pair of machine guns from the roaring twenties exhibit. We shot into targets with hearts on them. It was good to see him smile. I think he liked my Valentine's Day gift.

March

10th It's been a month since Hannah left, and Booth and I have been getting closer. We meet on a regular basis at the Founding Fathers, and just talk. He is starting to talk to me again. He met me at the park while I was running today. He asked if he could come with me to a lecture on the Peloponnesian war.

11th Booth seems irritated with me. I don't understand how he can be so much like Brodsky, but still say they are not the same. They both were paid to kill, but Booth says that they are on different sides. I believe I need to think about this more.

13th Booth and I have been going out to have drinks again after solving a case. Tonight we went to the Founding Fathers, and it was nice to spend some time with him. It was also good to see him smile when I told him he was good.

17th There was a blizzard today. Booth and I were stuck in an elevator for most of the day. Sweets kept trying to get us to talk about our relationship, and Booth became very angry with him. I'm going to write this in the order it happened, although I would like to jump to the end, because I think a future with Booth may be possible.

Booth told me about a time when he went to a game with his father. I'm glad he is starting to trust me. I feel like we are getting closer, but I am also starting to feel anxious. If Booth wants to try a relationship with me, I hope I am ready.

I told Booth that making love with him would be quite satisfying. We both have excellent stamina, and passion, so I think it would be an incredible experience, but then he told me we would never work as a couple. I know Booth won't have one without the other, so I guess making love will have to wait.

After we got out of the elevator, I went to Booth's place, and we just sat and talked. He told me he wasn't angry with me anymore. He just needs time. I can wait for him.

I told him, "A time could come when you aren't angry anymore, and I am strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviousness, maybe then we can try to be together."

He said we should both write down a date, and if we burned them together, our wish would come true. I know it is a ridiculous notion, but I hope it works. I wrote, 'whenever he's ready', because I believe I am.

April

7th I disregarded another scientist's work, and Booth thought I should apologize. The article I wrote was true and factual. I don't see any need to amend my findings.

8th Booth said something to me today that reminded me of something that Avalon said to me a few years ago. He told me, "Because I know the kind of person that you are, and I think that you should let other people in on the secret too." Does he know the real me? Is that why he thinks someday we have a chance?

9th I spoke to Dr. Filmore today about his remarkable skill and expertise. Although I didn't think an apology was necessary. I did tell him I considered his input on the case to be the basis of our solution.

After solving the case, Booth and I met and talked about the difference between apologizing and feeling contrite. An apology is a speech in defense, whereas to feel contrite, is to be crushed by a sense of sin. I believe we both have made mistakes in the past, and it's time we both feel contrite about what has happened between us. The past is in the past, it's time to let it go.

16th I'm having a difficult time understanding Booth lately. I know he still has some residual anger, but it's as if he's intentionally trying to confuse me. Our case was about a mythical animal called the chupacabra, and Booth and I started to talk about mythical creatures. Then he told me he saw the Yeti in Nepal.

I told him that was impossible, because there is no such thing, and he said, "Why don't you just trust me here? Why can't you just use the brilliant scientific mind of yours to at least admit the possibility that what I'm saying here is true?"

I tried to tell him that maybe he saw something else, instead, but he just became angry and told me, "Just forget it, you talk a really good game here Bones, but when it comes down to it, You know you're no different than people who were certain that the sun revolved around the earth."

He compared me to Galileo's accusers, and that really hurt, I would like to believe him, but I know it is not true. I think I will research the idea, and see if I can come up with another explanation.

17th I told Booth today that I believed that he believes he saw a Yeti. I said that it was possible that he saw an ursus arctos isabellinus instead, and because it was covered with snow, it looked like a Yeti. He was very happy that I believed him enough to look at other possibilities. Maybe some things need to be approached with an open mind.

We went for drinks at the Founding Fathers again tonight, and as we left, Booth told me he never really saw the Yeti. He said he made the whole story up. He told me I rationally explained something that never happened. However as he said it he had a strange look on his face, so I asked him if he was trying to confuse me.

He said, "I might be?"

When I asked him what the point was, he said, "That some things are confusing. Just because you can explain something, doesn't mean that it's explainable, like us. We don't make any sense at all."

As I got into the cab and drove away, I looked out the window and he waved at me. I started to think of our conversations over the past few days, and I concluded that if I consider the possibilities of things that science can't explain, maybe it would open up the possibility of us. Maybe I need to look at some things from a different angle.

21st We had to go to Florida to investigate a murder today, and I met a friend of Booth's. His name was, Walter Sherman. Booth says he finds things, and because we needed help in finding a chart, here we are.

Walter is very strange. He seems paranoid and delusional, but if Booth believes, I will too. We had a strange conversation.

Walter asked me, "Are you two sleeping together?"

When we told him no, he asked, "Would you sleep with me?"

Booth told him,"You know what, find the map and maybe you got a shot."

I punched Booth in the arm, but he gave me a look that said he was kidding, and then he said sorry. I am defiantly getting better at reading his expressions.

23rd Booth knew that I doubted Walter's abilities, so he suggested that I ask Walter to find something for me. I told him to find an award that I had won when I was eleven years old. I was surprised when he came to my office to deliver it several days later. He was still flirting with me, but no one is going to turn me away from Booth, because I know I love him.

28th I found out today that sometimes Booth goes commando. I know that isn't relevant information, but I still found it interesting.

Booth told me he lied to me to spare his own feelings. I wonder what he meant by that? He wouldn't elaborate in the subject, but he did promise that when the case was over we would discuss it.

30th We solved the case and again we went to the Founding Fathers to celebrate. As I looked at him, he knew what I wanted, the truth behind the lie. He looked uncomfortable, as if it was almost painful to tell me.

"Fine, Ok, remember when I broke up with Hannah? Well I didn't lie to you; I just didn't tell you how much it meant to me that you were there for me. It meant the world to me.

I told him I stayed, because I am an exceptional partner, and then I asked him, "Why is it so difficult to tell me something I already know?"

He just said it was hard to explain. I wonder if it has anything to do with the way he feels about me?

I told him some things are better left unsaid.

I probably should have told him I stayed because I loved him and I couldn't walk away. That would have been the truth.

May

5th Caroline brought me an alive suspect today. When the police picked her up, she was covered in someone else's blood, and carrying a knife. The main problem is she is deaf and non-communicative, and she refuses to tell us what happened.

Sweets reminded me of the way it feels to be a foster child today. I wish he didn't bring up those feelings again. I had them hidden deep down inside, and now that they have surfaced. I understand how Amy feels.

6th Mr. Vaziri told me, that this case was personal to me. He said I distance myself from the victims, and I don't care about them. This is the second time today that someone has told me that I am uncaring. Is that how everyone looks at me? Do I really appear cold and heartless? If I knew how to convey how I feel I would, but I don't know how to do that.

I talked to the suspect today. She allowed us to take X-rays of her bones, and we found that she has been severely abused. I saw many kids like her when I was in the system, good kids who were never loved or cared for. I think I am becoming too attached to this case.

12th I am becoming concerned for Booth, he has refused all cases so we can only concentrate on Brodsky. I'm concerned that Brodsky is going to take matters into his own hands. I can't handle Booth's death again.

Mr. Nigel Murray and I are delivering a paper at an upcoming conference. He is an excellent intern, and I am looking forward to presenting with him.

14th Vincent was shot today; he died in my arms. As he died, he told me not to make him go. Why would he say that? Do all the interns think I am so coldhearted that I would just throw them out? Why did he have to die? He was an excellent intern. I was looking forward to working with him.

Booth had me go home with him, so he can watch over me. He gave me some clothes to wear. I am lying on his couch alone. I feel so sad. Why did Vincent have to die? He kept saying don't make me go. Why would he say that to me? What kind of person am I? I think I need to talk to Booth; I can't lie here any longer.

15th I went into Booth's room to talk to him, and he told me Vincent was talking to the universe not to me. I asked him to hold me, he pulled me into his arms, and we lay down on the bed. He held me while I cried. He told me he understood and he was there for me. I cried in his arms until I feel asleep.

When I awoke, he was looking down at me, and he pulled me closer and kissed me. My mind went back to that kiss on the steps of the Hoover building, and the fear I felt, but this time there was no fear. This time there was only peace. I responded by pulling him closer to me. I instantly felt an overwhelming desire from deep inside me.

Booth stopped, and looked at me, asking me if I was sure I was ready, because I knew this would lead to a commitment between us. Booth didn't believe in casual sex. I looked in his eyes and saw all the faith and trust that he had given me, from the day we met.

I told him, "Yes Booth, I think I've wanted this for a long time."

I pulled him back to my lips, and he continued to kiss me. I felt my heart rate increase, as I ran my hands over his pectorals, and his deltoids, then around his trapezius muscles. He felt just as good as I knew he would. I quickly became breathless, and pulled his shirt over his head, revealing his gorgeous chest.

Booth pulled away from me, and told me he wanted to stop. Was he kidding? I didn't know how I did it, but I stopped. He told me he wanted to wait until after he got Brodsky. As I thought about it, I realized that he was right. He needed to close this chapter in his life, and then we can start another together.

I asked him I could stay with him, and he agreed. Eventually, I fell asleep in his arms. When I awoke in the morning, I felt his arms around me, and turned to look at him. He smiled.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

I lay my head on his chest and held him close, a short while later we got up and dressed. He dropped me off at the Jeffersonian.

Booth caught Brodsky today. He shot him in the leg, because he wanted him to go to trial. I'm glad he had enough restraint to only shoot him in the leg.

We said goodbye to Vincent tonight. As we placed the box containing his remains in the hearse, everyone sang 'Lime in the Coconut'. It was his favorite song.

As we walked back onto the Jeffersonian, I took Booth's arm. We were going back to his place tonight to be together. I am definitely ready for this next step.


	17. The Realization in the Rescue

**I don't own Bones, I know I have 206 in my body, but the Bones from Fox isn't mine. **

**I took a few liberties with this by showing the time lapse between HitH and CitG. I hope you don't mind. Please be kind and review.**

The Realization in the Rescue

They drove to Booth's place together. They stopped for Thai on the way, and when they arrived at his apartment, they both felt nervous.

"Bones, you're awful quiet, we don't have to do this if you're not sure."

"No, I'm sure. It just feels different. We will be making a big step going from friends to lovers."

"Why don't we just think about eating for now, and see what happens. We can just take this one step at a time."

"Sounds good."

They began eating and Booth talked about Parker, inviting her to go with them this weekend. He turned on the television, and they started watching "The Notebook".

"Bones, I love this movie."

"I've never seen it."

"Good, then let's watch it."

She sat down next to him on the couch, and soon laid her head on his shoulder. Booth put his arm around her and pulled her close. He kissed the top of her head, and inhaled her scent. He immediately felt dizzy. He was amazed at the effect she had on him, and realized that he had wanted this for a long time.

There were many times over the years that he wished for this. Many times, he wanted to hold her, and now that he could, he felt overwhelmed by the emotions. Bones turned her face to look at him, and saw all the love he had for her in his eyes, those beautiful brown eyes that taught her to trust and love again.

He moved toward her, and as his lips touched hers, she felt a warmth spread throughout her body. She reached up and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.

He remembered her touch from the night before and the passion that quickly overtook him. He forced himself to take this slowly. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, and that would take time.

She began to move her hands over his body, increasing her desire. She opened her mouth to his probing tongue, and again felt that shock from his touch. Her breathing increased, and she moved to sit on his lap.

"Bones, let's go to bed."

"Mmm, yes."

He led her toward his bed, and pulled her in for another kiss. He realized that it was going to be difficult to control himself, because his excitement was already growing.

She pressed her body to his, and they were soon out of breath. He pulled her down on the bed, and his kisses moved to her shoulders. She pulled away and removed his shirt, running her hands down his chest, and over his shoulders. She again pulled him in for a kiss, allowing her tongue to press into his mouth.

Booth flipped her over and pulled off her shirt, gazing at the body that he had wanted forever. His kisses became more passionate, and he moved down her body, as she moaned his name. As he continued to explore her, he reveled at the love he felt for her, and thanked God for allowing him to finally fulfill his dream.

They made love for hours, and when they finally, lay back on the bed exhausted, he pulled her into his arms, and held her close.

"Booth, that was incredible."

"I agree. We were meant for each other. Why did we wait so long?"

"I don't think either of us was ready before now."

"Maybe you're right."

She snuggled into his arms and fell asleep. He looked at her sleeping face, and whispered, "I love you". He knew it would be a while before he would say it to her, but at least he could tell her when she was asleep. He lay next to her, and pulled her close, quickly falling asleep with her in his arms.

As she lay next to him, she heard him whisper, "I love you". She almost didn't hear him, because he said it so quietly. She waited for the fear and panic to come, but soon realized that she trusted him, and knew he would never leave her. She knew she was right where she belonged, and she never wanted to leave. Sleep quickly overtook her and she didn't wake again until morning.

Waking up next to Bones two days in a row was pure heaven. He watched her while she slept, and remembered last night. He realized that they had the day off, and he could stay in bed with her all day. He kissed the back of her neck and she rolled over to look at him.

"Good morning."

"Good morning. How do you feel this morning? Are you hungry?"

"Not for food." She pulled him down and kissed him.

"Me either."

.

.

When they could no longer avoid the hunger that assailed them, they got out of bed to have some lunch.

Booth made her grilled cheese sandwiches, just like his Pops taught him. They chatted about their newfound relationship, and realized that in the heat of the moment last night neither one of them thought about birth control.

"Bones, you're not on the pill?"

"No the ramifications of the hormones on the body are too dangerous. I stopped taking it years ago. I've been celibate for so long I never thought of it, and then last night was incredible, and it never occurred to me."

"Yeah, it was pretty incredible. It was as if we went from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds. I never thought to ask."

"Are you concerned?"

"No, I menstruated over two weeks ago, so I don't think I am fertile right now."

"Bones, I don't need to hear that."

"Well, you asked."

"From now on we will need to be more careful. There are many different methods we could try."

"I will contact my doctor and begin birth control. We will have to use something else until then."

"Yeah, no problem Bones."

"What do you want to do?"

"I would love to go back to bed, but I think we need to go to the store first."

"Ok, can I take a shower? I want to clean up a bit before we go out."

"Sure the towels are in the bathroom cabinet, and did you remember clothes?"

"Yeah, I have my bag here."

She leaned over and kissed him. He pulled her close, and they both soon realized what was happening again.

"Wow Bones, I can't get enough of you. You better go shower, before we end up in bed again."

She leaned over and kissed him again, then pressed her forehead to his. "Booth, thank-you, for showing me the difference between having sex and making love, I now understand what you were trying to tell me all those years ago."

He pulled her down and kissed her again. "Before this I thought I knew the difference, but now I'm sure I do. Last night was an eye opening experience for me too."

She pulled herself away, and went to take a shower.

.

.

They both shared the time at each other's apartments, except when Parker was there. Then she stayed alone. Those were the hardest times for her, and she was glad they only occurred once a week. They used other methods of birth control, and the incident from that first night never happened again.

They kept their relationship a secret from their friends, except the one time she told Angela, but even Angela didn't know how extensive it had become. They both felt a strong attachment for each other; Booth would explain it as love, but Bones was hesitant to go there yet. She knew she loved Booth, but she wasn't ready to admit it to anyone yet. She was still dealing with those feelings.

.

.

Three weeks went by, and one day she realized that she hadn't gotten her period yet. She ran into the kitchen and looked at the calendar. She was three days late. She had never been regular before, so she wasn't worried, but she remembered that first night, and wondered if it was possible.

She laid her hand on her abdomen, and thought could it be possible that she was pregnant with Booth's baby after all? She had wanted this, years ago, but after his tumor, never brought it up again. Now a careless twist of fate may have given her what she always wanted. She went to the store and bought three pregnancy kits. She had to know for sure.

The next morning she stood in her bathroom terrified of what all this meant. She could wait and deny it to herself, or she could just get it over with and know for sure. She really had to pee, so she opened the kit and took the test.

As she waited for the results, she thought about what Booth would say. Although he loved Parker, she knew he regretted the choice he made. If he had another child, she knew he wanted it while he was married to the mother. This would be a Rebecca mistake all over again. She started to cry.

She picked up the test and saw that it was positive; she was pregnant with Booth's baby. How would she tell him? What should she do? She took another test to be sure, but that one was also positive. She knew she had to tell Booth, but if she waited a while, it wouldn't matter, it was still early. Maybe in a week she would be more positive about the way she felt about him. Maybe in a week it would be easier.

.

A week later she took another test, it was also positive. She knew she had to tell Booth. This was his weekend with Parker, so she would wait until Monday.

.

Monday morning she got a call, they had a case. Booth picked her up, and they drove together to the crime scene. It was a bowling alley. She was glad she didn't feel any morning sickness yet, because this body was very badly damaged.

They decided to go undercover, and Booth would play one of the bowlers on the team. They met her father at the diner, so he could inform them of the other bowlers. When Booth said she could be his girlfriend, she was thrilled. At last, they could show others what they knew already. Her Dad seemed suspicious, but he dropped it, so she wasn't concerned. She knew her Dad would be happy he always wanted her and Booth together.

There was one moment at the bowling alley, when Booth kissed her, and she again felt that electricity between them. She wanted to pull him in for a real kiss, but they had to keep it professional.

.

.

Booth thought something was wrong with Bones during the past week, but whenever he asked, she said it was nothing. He hoped she wasn't changing her mind and thinking about running.

He didn't know what he would do if she ran. He loved her so much and for so long, that he didn't know how he would handle it. This time he would chase her, no matter where she went he would follow, and convince her that what they had was special, and no one should throw that away.

He even gave up the idea of marriage, because he knew how much she abhorred it. He did want to move in together, because this alternating between each other's places was driving him crazy, but he could wait for her on that one.

When the case came, he jumped at the chance to have her be his girlfriend. Max's reaction surprised him, but he didn't think Max knew. When Max suggested he show her some affection at the bowling alley, he almost kissed him. Finally, he could to show everyone she was his. He hated watching those other players watching her. He knew what they were thinking. He wanted to deck them all, but they were undercover, and he couldn't blow it.

He called her to him and kissed her cheek, he knew if he kissed her lips, he wouldn't be able to stop, and then everyone would know. So just a peck on the cheek, but his body reacted instantly to her touch, and Max saw his reaction before he was able to hide it. He was sure Max knew, but he was also sure Max wouldn't say anything.

Everything ended quickly once they caught the killer, and they rushed to the hospital to see Angela's baby. She had been in labor for most of the day. Again, Bones was very quiet. They didn't sit together, and as he watched her from across the room, he again wondered what was wrong. He prayed that she wouldn't run.

.

.

Bones knew she should have told him by now, but they were caught up in the case, and she kept putting it off. On the way to the hospital, she realized that she had to tell him tonight. After they saw the baby, she would tell him.

As she sat in the waiting room, listening to Angela's screams, she became frightened. She wondered about her ability to be a mother to a small human being. She worried that she would fail at it, and if Booth really wanted another child. What if he didn't want this baby? What if he left her? How would she ever handle it? She knew from that first kiss, on the steps of the bar, in the rain, that she would love him one day, and now that she did, she didn't think she could lose him.

She noticed that Angela stopped screaming. As she looked up, she saw Jack come out with his son in his arms. They had a boy. She looked at the baby, but walked away to see Angela. She needed to ask her how it was. She needed to know what to expect.

Angela told her it was wonderful, and beautiful, and then she said it was a dream. She hoped the same thing for herself.

.

After they left the hospital, they were walking to their car and she spoke to him. She was so scared, but she knew it was time.

"They looked so happy."

"Well, they had a baby."

"But their whole lives have changed; you'd think they'd be a little more apprehensive."

He again felt that fear that something was wrong. He again wondered if she was going to run.

"Well, you know having a baby, that's a good thing."

"Do you really think that?"

"Yeah it's a great thing, what, what? Oh, come on Bones, look, the baby's fine the baby's healthy, they have a healthy baby, they love each other this is the happiest day of their lives. Ok? What?"

She stopped walking and turned to look at him. He felt the fear take over from deep inside him. He knew she was going to tell him what was wrong. He waited for her to say she was leaving him again.

"I'm I'm pregnant."

What? This is not what he expected, he expected her to tell him she was leaving. He was preparing himself all week. He just stared at her.

She looked at him, still terrified at his reaction. He didn't say anything. Maybe he needs more information.

"You're the father."

Then it hit him. Bones was pregnant with his child. The feeling started deep in his heart, a happiness that he had never felt before. She wasn't leaving him; she was pregnant, with his child.

She looked at his face, and saw a smile begin in the corners of his mouth. Soon it spread to his whole face. He was happy. He wasn't mad. She finally felt at peace with the situation. It was going to be ok. She was having Booth's baby and he was happy.

He pulled her in and held her close. He was going to be a father. Bones was having his baby. She didn't run, she was staying right here and having a baby with him. He pulled back and kissed her. This was definitely one of the best days of his life.

She felt him pull her into his arms. She held him close. They were going to be ok. He was happy about the baby. She was finally having Booth's baby, and she realized that she had him too, because she knew he would never leave her. She looked into those deep brown eyes, and knew she would trust him forever.

A peace settled over them as they held each other close. They walked to the car and went back to Bones' place. Together.


End file.
